Some years ago before actually discovering (or in the discovery process) of finding out what was wrong with me, I moved in with my parents (who are in their early 60's). I'm 28 at the moment. I had to completely give up my life because I was having some serious anxiety and concentration problems getting in the way of working and everything else.
Since this time, my world has gotten smaller and smaller. Friends have continued to live their lives, settle down and some are having kids. I've lost a huge chunk of my 20's to whatever I'm dealing with and my mental health has really deteriorated. I haven't been in a position to work and every day feels the same or like an episode of the Twilight Zone (or that movie Groundhog Day).. my parents do and say the same things day in and day out and seem sane.. and I just sit on the computer all the time. I've lost my passion and drive, and I feel I have a total inability to cope with life where I'm at. I feel like an alien. And for some reason, I dread the thought of stepping back out into the world (I've always struggled to be outgoing and social).. and I just feel so out of sync with everything and everyone. I basically have the life experience of a 20 year old, yet the mind of a 60 year old at 28 years of age. Things I used to have no problem doing, like say buying a car or setting up a bank account.. it's as if I've totally forgotten what to do in situations like this. As if I've forgotten everything.. essentially I have alztheimers.
I was sitting on the couch earlier tonight with my mom, and it's as if I'm completely dissociated from myself. I'm not present in the moment and I'm totally disinterested in everything. My body is stuck here, but my mind is in a far away place.. it seems this happens almost every night now. And I can't imagine being happy and content in the future. There's this deep sense of helplessness and hopelessness I feel about my future, like it's just not going to work out in such a way that I ever reclaim my mental health and former happiness. You know, that feeling that you're where you belong in life and the assurance and confidence that naturally comes from it.
I'm having a particularly bad episode right now. A friend came to visit the other day who I haven't seen in a year and a half. It was really awkward.. and even when I tried to explain what I was going through, I knew he didn't understand and probably wouldn't try to get in touch again. And I don't blame him..
I don't know if this is a physical problem or a mental one. I'm taking humaworm right now and I'm experiencing burning sensations inside my head. I never felt this messed up before November of last year. Around that time I started getting headaches until I went into a 24/7 state of depersonalization which has only recently let up a little bit. Right now though I'm fully depersonalized.. I don't feel like I'm really here typing this.
I know that being bored and cooped up in a room with the computer all the time isn't doing me any favors... but has anyone else ever been in such a dire situation as me? What can I do about it? I also have this fear I'm never going to be well again, and that this is my destiny. All this existential thinking is driving me nuts.. and I'm completely powerless to just snap myself out of it too.