Feeling very lonely, unappreciated 
shamelreaper
14 years ago
8,347
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Google AdvertisementWell I really don't know how to begin... my whole life I've felt as though people just tolerate me. It's not like I didn't have friends, I did but when looking back and what is going on now, it is history repeating itself for me. It started as a child I was considered a "cry baby" because I was shy and unable to deal with the childhood teasing and taunting. Quite frankly I thought it made me a stronger person as i did change a lot through the years. I became more assertive and stopped taking things so personally, started to not stand on the side for fear of being teased.
Now that I am 30 I thought that maybe I would be taken a little more seriously but again, I see that tolerance is directed at me and not actual friendship. I make plans with people they always break them, then trying to make more plans, no one calls me back, i get excuses (right now its bitterness speaking) that I know are just to placate me and I feel it is only to send me off and again, no one speaks to me. I get "hi how are you, its cold outside" conversations but again, the look in their eyes tells me they really do not want me to speak with them. Sitting with co-workers, they are making plans, everyone is putting in their 2 cents but when I speak up, I get the "we weren't asking you to come". These looks I know intimately as I have seen them my whole life, throughout school, "friends" only wanted something out of me and then once they got whatever they wanted they would dump me as a friend. Once I asked a "good" friend of many years what I did and they told me outright "they only tolerated me because they were bored, wanted my boyfriend and they now have found a better friend so go away and leave me alone you are annoying!" I tell you as a teenager, that really drove me to try and not be what they said I was, I turned quiet and sat on the side again. I also turned to guys as friends as guys do not really want much but mutual interest and fun things to do such as 4x4ing or what have you. For a time, i wasn't feeling lonely but after a while again being left out started up again. I couldn't understand and then i found out it was because they thought I would sleep with them, had a car and when I didn't sleep with them, they did not want me around.
I am quite educated, no one belives me when I offer them my assistance when they need help or looks like they are struggling with something. I have been told outright that someone my age would never know those things. Did it ever occur to people that a person can start university early? Have the experience regardless of their age? It seems no one I have ever cross paths with can. Again I get that look. Again I have been told I am not believed...why? I believe what I am told (to an extent of course) simply because I have not been proven otherwise.
I simply feel people do not like me. I do not burble on and on about what I know or my education, I simply like to join in general conversations, where people have been or what the gardening year may look like. Really, I have been told I am fun to be around but that's where it ends. I have numerous interests and again, not included. I have even gone as far as try to invite myself and it still was unaccepted! A few months ago i was invited to a retirement party by the person retiring and I was asked to leave by other people. Whatever i did to them i will never know ( I asked around as to why), they just did not want me there.
At this point, I really do not like people and I am very bitter. I am married and have been for almost 12 years, helped raised 2 children, have my own jewelry making business on top of a regular job. It is not like I do not have a life but again, I have given up on people and am leaning towards a "hate on" people.
I just would like to know if there is anyone out there experiencing this? I know there is. This post is for the venting of it all I guess. Feel free to add your thoughts and input, if you think i am just whining that's OK I understand because that ALWAYS runs through my mind when I start speaking about this. I am full of self doubt and I know it is not healthy at all.
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- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... konfetti_bomber
14 years ago
3,875
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The quickest way out of this of course would be to look for folks who are in need, the sick, the aged, even the lonely and offer your time being a companion to or helping them. You sound very educated and have many interests so perhaps the people you are trying to be with are not the type of people who can appeciate who you are - but for some reason you are drawn to them, seeking acceptance. Since this is a pattern from childhood is it possible you are drawn towards the types of people who are bound to reject you? Usually, we feel unappreciated by others because we are expecting to get something back - once you go into a situation with the attitude of giving rather than receiving you will begin to develop an appreciation and confidence in yourself that is not based upon what others are giving YOU, but the truth of who you are and what YOU are doing to add to the good of the life of someone else. Almost every unhappy person I have spoken to has pulled back in rejection and become extremely focused upon self. This is natural as bitterness and loneliness creep in, but again, the quickest way out is to be of good use to another person. There are many people in much worse scenarios than you are who are poor, crippled, aged, lonely and rejected on levels that are no doubt much more severe than your own. These are people who pray daily for a word or smile and who you can probably relate to on a lot of levels. Maybe they are shut ins or folks with no family. Bringing by books, cookies, meals, visiting those in the hospital, old folks homes, so many places you could be where people would look forward to your coming, your visit, your kind word, helpful advice, etc.
I think you would find this both rewarding and revealing. It would help develop aspects of yourself perhaps you have forgotten about. There is nothing worse than giving of yourself in a place where no one really wants any part of it. Trust me, there are many people on this planet who are dying for a visit, a kind glance, the gift of a 20 minutes conversation. Start looking around for some of them and you might find by helping them a lot of your loneliness and feelings of rejection dissipate.
Good luck to you.
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- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... lightstream
14 years ago
3,377
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This is a reply to # 1,087,486Have you taken a good IQ test?
Some of these IQ tests online are based on aquired knowledge, which is completely bogus. Fluid IQ means pure raw brainpower. Test that.
The crap they teach in psychology class, that people with high IQs are normal, sociable & just like everyone else is BS.
Hi IQ, high brainpower, highly intelligent people, do not fit in. They are easily bored by surface-level conversation, & it sticks out. They do not talk the same, look the same, or act the same. Something sets them apart, & it is a lonely world for such people, normally, but when 2 highly developed people, whether it be intellectual, spiritual..., get together, look out, the very fabric of reality may rip.
Look at the life of Jesus. How many friends did he have, relative to those who rose against him, & even of those few, how many of them were faithful to the end. Darkness hates the light, & while the majority of people arent necissarily dark like Darth Vadar, our educational system, & church education systems, & popular media do not train & guide in the best direction for real growth, health, maturity, & knowledge.
I'm not preaching elitism here, it's just the way it is, & those whose eyes are blind, & minds are dim, will have no idea what in the hell I'm talking about, because they cannot see past their own level of development, & I wouldnt be surprised if I get some heat for saying this, but I'd rather get heat for standing for what's right & being a beacon to those whose minds are fertile, then hide behind the status quo. The more you let your light shine, the more you become a target from the jealous, but it's all worth it. Read the poems of Hafez, Attar & Rumi & know that you were never alone.- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... shamelreaper
14 years ago
3,250
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Thank you both for your insight it is greatly appreciated. It is quite ironic that Konfetti would mention giving my time to people in need. The irony is that I work in health care and long term care. My employment primarily is to speak and take care of the sick and elderly, give all my time to them as they are in need too. I listen to many things during they day and am told at the end of each day that it is appreciated. I have also volunteered a lot of my spare time to these people as I know they are in need more than I.
What I did not agree with however is a perception of me thinking of only myself when it comes to acceptance in the world and with people. When a person is rejected for so long after giving their 100% (and sometimes more!) into a relationship but it is not reciprocated, they will start thinking of themselves but in a good way. I believe that a person does need to tend to themselves better and think about themselves so they can know who they are as a person and not what they think others would want them to be. I was used for so long by people (meaning that I would go all out and try and do the things people do for each other or at least believing that is what people do for each other) but again when it is not reciprocated at all, what is a person to do? I know its wrong to dwell but again, it is all I am left with in the end.
As for lightstream's perceptions, yes I have taken a few IQ tests and I do agree with your thoughts about how people with a different or higher intelligence are left out, they do stand out and are often left to the sidelines. It is very lonely as there are not many people out there willing to expand their horizons, do not want to know much and stay ignorant. It has even got to the point where people will ask me about something and I will tell them what I know or maybe just give an opinion on it all and I think they do not understand, know what i mean or simply do not believe me - that has been said to me! I do agree that when 2 people who have the same interests regardless what it maybe, there is a great connection however, I have found a few like that, we had wonderful friendships (at least i thought so!) but in the end again, I was set aside for "better"(?) more exciting (?).
In the end, i feel i have wasted my time, effort and energy. It simply makes a person bitter. My employment is very fullfilling and I am very happy doing what i do, my clients always tell me how wonderful it is to have me around (these people by the way have no family, friends and sometimes memories)and I love them back but again, it is a workplace senario and I can not get too attached as that would be detrimental to my mental health and employment.
Thank you both again I know I am not alone and this site makes it easier,lets others know they are not alone either.
Your insight is appreciated.
- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... mellisamouse
14 years ago
3,276
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This is a reply to # 1,093,096I was also thinking the high IQ.....I have learned to mostly do knodding and smiling now, and giggling when something is funny, as to not make people feel stupid or inferrioir, (even though I NEVER intended to make them feel that way) When you are very intellectual, you can mistakingly assume everyone else is too, and it makes them feel belittled etc......that is where we may have a low EQ.....
It is a coping skill to be accepted in the "crowd" but I still yearn for friends that I can be myself around without them feeling insecure etc......those kind of people are soooooo fun, and sooooooo funny!
Another problem you may have, is you may be very attractive, and have no idea....apparently people don't like that too much in social situations. According to some of my friends ( I still don't see it myself, as my nerdy side see's beauty in everyone) this is one of my problems, so another coping skill I used for 3 years, was I gained weight, but that was just stupid,(it worked like a charm though) and unhealthy, so now that I have given up and lost the weight again, the same passive agressive stuff, and being left out started up again, so I am doing my best to wear baggier clothes, and play down myself as much as I can.......it was funny, the only place I ever fit in was the movie industry, and I still never clued in because I still can't see it...My aunt spent my whole life telling me I am hideous and ugly, and didn't want to be seen with me without make up on etc for so long I just still see the image she pounded in my head for so long.....the funny thing is, I have usually tried to include everyone, so they don't feel lonely too.
- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... mellisamouse
14 years ago
3,276
- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... shamelreaper
14 years ago
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- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... BenjaminJacob
14 years ago
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This is a reply to # 1,087,486Advertisement
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Um... I completely agree with your "venting," and was wondering if you look anything like that statue/artwork picture - please write me! lol Sorry but, it's a known fact that beauty is on the inside, yet, normal sex-appeal would lead us to believe that true beauty under the skin isn't known until you speak with that person first right? I hope this doesn't sound shallow, but I always choose women I'm immensely attracted to before approaching them for two reasons: I know if there's something there, and we have a relationship I'll never even be halfway tempted to look at another women, (because the one on my arm is gorgeous to me)hence, I've never cheated; and secondly, why settle for anything less? If you choose the hottest person to hit on initially, I mean a real knock-out, then you won't feel that tiny sense of regret years later, but thankful for the guts to take the bull by the horns and run with it. ;)
So, after all that jibber-jabber, I just have to say: I read your 'lonely' forum and the replies word for word. I only started an account today, so I could leave a reply on it for you. I work in patient care with Geriatrics/young Veterans at the Carl T. Hayden VA Hospital. And I relate to your way of events that occurred in our lives for far too long. If you look like that statue or anything close, send a msg. Same for the gal who lost that "weight" that you wanted so badly, 'cuz your Aunt says you're ugly... I'd be willing to be you're not, but at least one of you should send me a letter. SOMEthing - God even a reply to THIS would be nice! lol I'm hurtin' for a connection to a sympathizer out there somewhere.
- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... shamelreaper
14 years ago
3,135
Google AdvertisementThis is a reply to # 1,108,303Thank you for your insight Ben it is refreshing, working in health care takes a toll on the mind as well as the body. Also a thank you to melissamouse, yes it is hard being better looking than some and it is true that if another feels one is attractive (ESPECIALLY women) they tend to be well....what's the word I'm looking for Judgemental I think is a very good word to put to it. I am sorry your Aunt told you were ugly growing up because that just says to me she was not a good role model, jelouse and vindictive. Sorry if that upsets or insults you but we are adults here and sometimes the truth hurts but that is not what I'm trying to get at. As adults we have to have the "pinach" when it comes to kids, teens and young adults there's a way to approach things and calling someone ugly or as my husband was told, he was stupid his whole life, no wonder we have all these mental "diseases" and such. Whatever happened to helping your fellow man and all that I will never know. I tried to do the smiling, giggling and nodding and all it got me was more abuse. I hoped that worked for you. Also, I feel if I have to be someone else around people, they do not deserve to have me in their presence. Yes that's very vain however, I am better than they for what they have done. I have been always nice to anyone and everyone who has even crossed my path regardless of what they are, what they do.
Ben, I am sorry you are lonely too and maybe we can find a solid messaging frienship in here. You are not alone, I commend you for taking the initiative to approach people you think are good to approach, I however have reached a point in my life where I do not approach anyone for the simple fact I find them all liars, users and well selfish and this includes some family members. This is all again from the past things I have had to deal with. Eeven a couple of weeks ago, I was to have another dinner party (I don't know why I do these things) because the same thing happened. I spent days and hours getting it all together then at around 2pm everyone started to cancel. I found out later they all decided to go out for dinner together. I wasn't even invited. (Now I'm crying because it still hurts BAD). How did I find out well they even had the gull to speak about it after the fact and I was sitting right there! I wrote a new dictionary in my head as to what I think of them and well, I do not speak to them anymore, I have even transferred into another job (same place different job) just so I do not have to deal with anyone such as that. I am hoping that in the new place I will have at least some common ground to be in. In the new job it is what i have been trying for, for a few years so i am hoping it will work well.
But thank you both I am hoping we'll keep writing in here and supporting each other through the hurts. Happy Valentine's day to everyone!- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... shocked1212
14 years ago
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- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... shamelreaper
14 years ago
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I am very curious as to what that means. If it is intended to be negative in anyway, I forgive you as I am very used to being treated that way and I am a better person in the end for realizing people's shortcomings such as judgement and negativity. If it is intended to be negative I feel for you as comments such as that usually are to make a person feel better about themselves instead of trying to reach out and help others. Again, I forgive you.
If it is not a negative or judgemental comment, please enlighten me as what you mean, I am simply trying to find a path to happiness that doesn't seem ambiguous and I enjoy knowledge, aquiring it and using it. If it is not negative, thank you.- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... shocked1212
14 years ago
3,031
This is a reply to # 1,111,748On the one hand, I am sorry that I was rude in my delivery. I think you truly are loney and you probably sincerely would like some help. NPD=Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I think you may be so lonely because you come off as thinking you are above other people intellectually, physically, etc. Contrary to what it sounds like you think (and what the others who responded to you think) most people surrounding you are not stupid people and they do pick up on your attitude of superiority. You would be well served to see yourself and others simply as people, all of whom have imperfections. No one wants to spend time with someone who thinks they are above them. You don't want to do it, I don't want to do it, they don't want to do it. I am sorry you are lonely. Try being humble.
- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... jacob_415
14 years ago
3,181
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I disagree that she was being narcissistic. I think feelings are always valid, and that you are doing her and everyone a disservice for knocking her down in a moment of vulnerability.
Shamelreaper, I know where you're coming from. I, too, have felt isolated, alienated, left out of the crowd because people couldn't 'get' me. I've spent so many years blaming myself, my personality, my looks, but I realize that those weren't the factor, but that it did, indeed, have partly to do with intelligence, partly to do with temperament.
I just remember those rare times when I did 'click' with someone. Have you had those times? What kind of people were they? For me, they were of similar intellectual ability and similar temperament. Try to seek out those people who are safe and of similar mind/soul as you. I've found that helped. The hardest part about that is...they seem to be more rare than I would like.
Nothing wrong with seeking after someone with like mind/soul. Narcissistic you are NOT.
- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... jacob_415
14 years ago
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- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... shocked1212
14 years ago
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- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... shamelreaper
14 years ago
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- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... shocked1212
14 years ago
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- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... shamelreaper
14 years ago
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- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... geneivive01
14 years ago
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Google AdvertisementThis is a reply to # 1,087,486Wow! I'm so glad to hear from someone who feels similar to me. I've had similar experiences to you although perhaps not quite as bad. People actually asked you to leave the retirement party? It sounds like you're being ostracized. Anyway, I'm quite a bit younger than you--27--but I am engaged and also feel that people don't like me. My in-laws don't like me and I have been nothing but polite. I'm not a leper or anything either, I mean there is no reason why they should be ashamed of me. But it's typical, I could have predicted they wouldn't like me b/c most people don't. I am nice, courteous, and I believe I am socially fluent enough. But for some mysterious reason I find people being rude to me. It's just little things, like you talked about this look in their eyes. Their expression. Often they do rude little things like interrupt or ignore me when I talk to them but more often than not it is the LACK of politeness rather than any particular rude thing that gets me. I could chalk it up to people being extremely selfish but I see them turn on the charm for others. I just don't get it! I have very few friends. Since I moved to a new state the only person I hang out with regularly is my fiance. It's really depressing but I just can't seem to get along with people. Of course, I feel insulted b/c I think I'm a decent, interesting, smart person totally worth liking. I resent people for not liking me b/c I don't feel that they're justified. My fiance doesn't share my bitterness or misanthropy and I'd really like to meet some other good hearted, smart people who share my experiences. I am sick with loneliness and feel like I have to put on such an act around others b/c no one wants to be around a sour puss. It would just be nice to talk with some people who feel the same way.
- Re: Feeling very lonely, unappreciat... konfetti_bomber
14 years ago
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