another day I tell myself - it's time to start taking care.. time to take your body and your health seriously.

Date:   8/29/2007 8:58:56 AM ( 17 y ago)

So gradual weight gain sucks. Because first you start noticing your skirts tightening, but then you need to do a new shopping anyway. You opt for A-line shapes and you still look good. And you can stay in the same size 6 in the A-line shape for long. I still have some size 6 dresses that are A-line. Though they now are tight in the chest. Anyway, you move on - because even though, it's gone up 20 lbs you still look good (I am very tall - it's easy to hide).
Until you notice, after another couple of years of stressful job and a lot of partying, on a picture that someone took of you without you posing - here it is - the double chin, the flabby arm..oh my, you say - this is a crappy picture!
Then, after a while - you notice that the amount of "crappy" pictures increase. That, picking up your photo albums of recent years you say - wow, i USED TO BE so skinny (whilst clearly remembering how you use to hate you "fat ass" back in those days !).
But this does not motivate you. You look at your girlfriends - they have gone through the same transformation, or so you think. Every once in a while, upon entering your thirties, you say - well, I have to slow down on partying, I drink too much, I don't exercise, I have a stressful job. But then again - I have no wrinkles and still look comparatively good. So you think. And you do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
You say - I will definitely lose weight for my wedding. But the A-line wedding dress looks good - so you pass on it. You get wasted the every day before your wedding, and weeks after - but everyone still says - wow, you look really good on your wedding photos. And you buy into it. And the fact that your face looks like Boris Yeltzin, totally hangover, that your arms are flabby - oh well, bad lighting or something. And a thought that nobody ever tells ANYONE that their wedding pictures look ugly, just doesnt enter your mind. It's like - would you ever tell a mother her toddler looks sh*tty - no, of course not. Ahh.. ignorance - a bliss.
So when you keep telling yourself these stories - bad lighting, bad picture, ah, i am a fat slob but still... then, other than the occassional splurge of enthusiasm of healthy Monday or 2 hour diet or purchase of a juicer - then you do nothing. and it goes on.
I've never written a blog. I am on vacation now and stuck in a hotel room because it's raining. I had a good dinner last night and a lot of local wine. I woke up with the tiny red eyes, dry skin on my face (I have a nice face structure - but i lately see my beloved cheeckbones only in my imagination). I look in the mirror - but the mirror doesn't show it. Because you look in the mirror everyday - so you don't see it. So i took a picture of myself - a mugshot - in full morning light - close up. Let me tell you - I wouldn't put it on any profile. I wouldnt put it on anything. I would not and I will not - because i deleted it.
I know, I've felt like that before - the morning regret of last night's excesses - who has never experienced it? Anyhow. Internet is an answer these days - so I said -I have to vent, to reflect, to decide on when and how I shall change - gradually - my habits, my lifestyle, my low respect for my body. I have decided on when: it is now. And "how" will gradually come.
It is not my goal to lose weight - because it will happen naturally, as I go about altering my habits - little by little.
So today, I will not have wine with my dinner (and I ALWAYS have wine with my dinner!) Even though, I am here, in a beautiful wine country, on vacation. Because I am not able to just have one glass of wine. It's usually three - with the full 3-4 course meal. And then maybe a dessert wine, or champagne. I love it. What can I do. (no I am not an alcoholic - or at least I wouldn't describe myself as such, for I only drink at dinner time or cocktail patries - and mostly red wine, never a hard alcohol - though admittedly - living in a european capital and travelling constantly in Europe means a lot of nice dinners and a lot of parties).
Anyhow, I think I shall start with that - a couple of days of total alcohol abstinance. I don't smoke or use drugs - so that's easy.
I start slowly. Eventually, I want to try the vegetable juice fasting combined with mild exercise (yoga, or something not too exhausting). But I don't want to start it abruptly - being hangover - i think my body would go into total shock! : )
Anyhow - my vacation is on for another week. Local food is not too healthy - goulash, fried stuff - but it's easy to find a salad. So I prep myself. And let's see if I succeed in that little step.


 

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