Major Panic Attack; Goal for this 12-Day FAst

Date:   9/6/2007 8:13:34 PM ( 17 y ago)

Just noting that today has been day 1 of a 12-day fast. I really want to do this this time. I have support.
I have had a major anxiety attack. It is the condition of my colon. There may be something with my liver.

I feel overwhelmed. I had a really tough session with my therapist. I feel really abandoned by her and she seems so totally inhuman and it is terrifying sometimes. Sometimes I simply feel alone in the universe, or surrounded only by people who wish and pressure me to do something I am mutilated emotionally by.

I do not feel organized enough. I cannot really feel anything right now.

I feel frustrated. I could have had a good studio session with my abstract drawing project, but, one, this jerky guy kept me on the phone. I was too scared to tell him I didn't want a relationship and to get off the phone. I should have said this the instant I started to feel strained. Oh, why did I talk to him. Two, I had to go to English class -- which ended up not even being a class - we were let go early. In the end I wished for a little workout through class or studio and got nothing. I hate this sleazy condition of not having worked. So much of my life has been spent in avoiding work -- through pain, yes, but it has been a sleazy way to live anyway.

I have support from a guy who invites me to call tonight, tomorrow night, and Sat. 1 pm. He fasts. I am frightened talking with him: my desire to fast might become a reality. I am so frightened by this reality.

I am tired and so maybe a night's sleep will make me feel better. Then to the studio all day tomorrow. But I know I will be interrupted by the need to go on line and this is horrible. I can't stand it. I just want to go into the studio and get it all out and really sincerely work. I know I will make a friend of the teacher this way . I will also help my fast. May I please not become sensitive to the materials -- but in this case I can just prepare a performance instead of drawings for the class.

In this fast I really want to get past the first 3 days and the heavy detox symptoms of these days. i want to stay brave through these. How am I going to do it????



 

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