belongs before post immediately folloeing

Date:   8/30/2007 10:23:36 AM ( 17 y ago)

please do not reply to this post! Thanks!

I did not post yesterday so need to get in touch with my process.

*MONITOR REMOVED REQUEST FOR PHONE NUMBERS, THIS IS DISCOURAGED.*

My other idea for more success in fasting is self-hypnosis.

I am a little discouraged generally right now because of the tenuous and difficult nature of some new friendships I have created in my life.

I got some support for fasting through my ads and talked with 2 people on the phone. The best help was a woman doing The Master Cleanse and talking with her, though she was too abrasive for me (I was not given time to assert myself to say how I really felt -- she merely was dismissive -- asserting myself in spite of others' dismisssiveness being a skill I still really need to develop -- and which fasting would greatly develop "automatically," as it does many emotional skills) -- talking with her supported me since she was so commmitted to her cleanse. She is going to call me today and I am dreading it slightly since I broke down and failed in my fast last night -- after more than 40 hours which is a bit longer than I have done lately but about one-tenth the minimum length of fast I need. I am still struggling with BOREDOM and disengagement and loneliness and disorientation and confusion and unwillingness to seriously engage in my life. All of which, ironically, I know from previous, successful fasting experience that fasting cures for me! I am so frustrated. .... If anyone supportive of my fasting wants to write me an e-mail with a phone number I could call at night for support, I would be grateful. Please, though, as I say, do not respond to my post, since for my healing I need the experience of accepting listening rather than dialogue.

So, I will tell what has happened since my last post. I think I posted on the morning I began the fast (let me check.... yeah.) I remember failing in the fast for the last time with 250 calories late at night... which night? It must have been Saturday night. I hate how the days blend together what with my failure to get organized and failure to effect accomplishment or order in my life. I am really frustrated ... I am less outright scared since I have friends now but these relationship as I say elsewhere in this post are problematic (very). (cannot assert myself.) (=deadly, trigger to eat).... So Sunday 1 am or so I take 250 cals, abandoning my attempted fast. Sunday at 8 am I take 950 cals, leaving over a bit, and not bloating myself unduly, and begin my fast at 9ish am. Sunday: What did I do all day? I think I went to the movies with one of my new friends, after a ... yes, I remember... good session on line. It was too hectic; but having company made me keep fasting. But it was such a strain. How do I keep busy without straining??? ... AND I got a call from the ex. (now friend) Sunday after saying goodbye to my other new (gay) friend for the night. THe gay guy helpfully remained with me for a LONG time talking after the movie. He was insistent on reaching a certain comfort level and though terrified I succeeded in more or less reciprocating. Though as I say he was much too much of a strain. So, then, a LONG conv. w/ the ex (another very deanding presence) and it was late and I was still positive enough on the fast to just lie down and get through the night. Not enough sleep, but at least fasting. In spite of not havign explicit support to fast from either new acquaintance (cannot figure out how to present it to them so as not to cause them to be rejecting... therefore cannot assert myself) .... Monday, yesterday: got up and more or less immediately got on line. On line from 8/9 am till 2:30 pm. 2:30 pm had to go to a housing go-see. First started to get twinges of desire to break fast prematurely as I was out being strained by being lost and driving around. Had fasting support people's numbers in my phone but was so strained and didn't want to use them. Eventually called a woman who is doing MC. She was supportive and totally committed to her MC but brusque and dismissive of my pain. It hurt and I could not assert myself to her. STILL talking to her kept me on the fast, barely. Fought the urge to abandon the fast all the way home. I was in such loneliness and misery. I was feeling devastated and needy (so clearly for me an intestinal condition healable by FASTING!!!!) because the ex had made plans with me for after my housing go-see and then canceled. So painful. And I don't even like to be with him!!! Such is my neediness. I am not ashamd of it or so afraid of it since coming to understand it as a phenomenon of my failure to fast, my toxic colon. I so want to fast. I was feeling physically good in the fast and I was able to stretch my arms out at times and take in the sunshine and feel that I was being detoxified and healed by the air and my fasting and my distilled H2O. I felt good. But as I say I struggled, from the boredom, emptiness, loneliness, fatigue, and lack of security in purpose/engagement in work/direction. And lack of secure housing.
After talking to the MC woman I picked up an icecream maker someone is giving me so I can make raw coconut into a better frozen dessert substitute. Wish me luck. Actually, do NOT wish me luck in that whatsoever -- wish me the transformation of becoming willing to abstain as I desperately need to from all non-green living foods. It is so tragic that I still do not have this. It is gross, in fact. Wish me a free, deluxe new sprouter.
Then... I almost succeeded. I got home and got on line as distraction. I was too vulnerable to post to a fast support forum. It felt too much strain, like it might trigger me then and there to go eat. But then I had (helpfully) a phone housing interview, for a place in my ideal location, 200 a month and being a "Friendly presence " housemate for an elderly woman. probably too much strain for me. i could not really assert myself. could not tell about my fasting. i so hate being secret and feel I could "Come out" but ... BUT then RIGHT after the phone call I was DEVASTATED by the compulsion to abdndon the fast (then 36 hours old). I called a fasting support partner. He and I had been on phone when my interview call had come in. Oh another problem w/elderly woman is she is apparently a food pusher -- what I call privately to myself a food rapist -- someone who attacks you and forces food down your throat -- an italian mother apparently. THis is so not Ok but since she has alzheimers apparently it will be easy to distract her, just answer quickly NO THANK YOU and then say QUICKLY "I am so enjoying this weather! .. I hear you grew up here in this house!... How about those Bears/Dolphins/Red Sox?" ... anyway RIGHT after the strain of the phone call I was so totally compulsed. So I called back my support partner. His first words to me were: "I am sitting here with my mouth stuffed full of XYZ Snack Mix!" ...??!?!?!?!?!?!?! .... God, how offensive! Why would you ever say that to someone on a fast? I am so sick of turning the other cheek and not asserting myself. But I persisted, out of loneliness. I wanted to call my ex for support and could have and probably should have. But I did not. I stayed on the phone with this a**hole. STill.. he though being totally rigidly committed to his own food addiction and to the accaptability of food addiction generally still helped me to focus a bit on my fasting. I remember he asked me: what are the chances for making it to 48 hours fasting? and this sort of helped. Just someone asking me prompting questions like that. Also even more helpfully he said: what can you do to distract yourself? and immediately i was able to think of things and be willing to keep fasting... I thought of the personals... though tragically I have not received a response from Prince Charming whom I met on line last week and delayed answering for 8 days. I guess he did not like that I live on Social Security Disability. I was honest with him since he asked me. I feel so sad and frightened. Who will want me? But anyway. After my phone call with Inconsiderate Guy, which ended in his hanging up the phone abruptly on me when i remained silent from pain and overwhelm for a period of time just exceeding his brief attention span, I actually lay back down in bed (I was tired, and had detox symptoms. They were not bad but they were scaring me a bit... triggering my anxiety... I aws uncomfortable... unwilling to do anything complicated or requiring effort... this was scary. this always makes me anxious. Note to self for next time. I went to sleep. This was a huge achievement! This is progress: actually going to sleep during a semi-compulsion to violate a fast.
But then after a time I woke up. At 1:30 am. Exhausted but totally, rigidly compulsed to destroy my fast. Ate 600 cals. Felt sad. Why am I doing this to myself? I asked myself. The answer: "Because I am just too unhappy." ... Ok! now I know what to address! Interesting thing: drank ACV in water after and got great healing nausea. Got an aversion to food. Helpful since after the 600 I was verging on being compulsed to stuff down more. I am so sick of false, toxic hunger. The nausea did frighten me. Since I wanted to be in a condition where I coudl repress comfortably any difficult feelings with food. THis is the desire and anxiety of the food addict. But I have recently overcome similar anxieties. So I can progress here, I know.
VERY IMPORTANT NOTE: following violation of fast: was totally ill. My cold came back in force. I could hardly breathe. Hyperventilation so badly and painfuly. Such misery for the brief fix. MUST RMEMBER THIS!!! How to harm-reduce? Could have violated fast with ACV in water? virtually non-calorically??? Or with some green drink???? Instead of the full fast-busting 600 calorie meal? ... which was living food so better than any of the drinks I have named so I am confused. oh help. (please do not respond.) How to harm-reduce. Use baby greens? oh god as if I would choose that to betray a fast with. But tomatoes I have used in past... still living is better... I will have to think about things possibly to substitute for the full heavy meal... living foods that I would still actually be willing to use as substitutes... alfalfa sprouts and garlic???!!?!? What?!
I planned my day for today after the failure-of-fast. I wanted to sleep from 4 am (time I ended up finally turning lights back out) to 12 noon ... then have 950 cals, re-beginning fast, aiming for 5 or 7 days, then worked out actually a really good day plan.

This day plan was: Sleep 4 am to noon. 12 noon get up and tend sprouts and shoop for re-beginning-of-fast 950 cals. Home and ice-cream-maker the coconut (with cornstarch? or some desperate thickening agent (.. gelatin????? sin of non-vegan sins. and I would have to cook the coconut then oh God). Anyway, then: one hour to plan the first 5 days of a fast so as to avoid boredom. Then: my meditation and therapeutic-writing regime. Then: exercise by walking on beach, at same time talking on phone to friends or fasting support people. Then painting on beach. Then -- it seems-- 3 hours' silent sitting meditation. Lights out 11 pm. ???? i am too tired to do this but i will plan the 5 days of the fast i guess tho i am so strained by even the thought of it. and i hate my day already and i am too compulsed to go sleep as i should. fear of missing an opportunity to get high, brutalizing my own body.

but could only sleep 4 am to 8 am
and this a.m. it is apparent I need a lot more than 1 hour on line. WHAT TO DO ???(please do not respond.)
So still I am not quite able to plan realistically.,
I am so frustrated that building a phone support fasting network is to take so much time. That I cannot jump into the fast, supported, right away, as I desperately need to.
Other emotional note:I am still coming out of dependence on this man, my ex. This is I realize the emotional place I am in right now. We are frinds. Yesterday he called me in the a.m. and I was so strained by the call, could not assert self, though did succeed a little. My fears: that he will get sick of my frustrated attempts at fasting and persistent commitment to this goal at which I am not APPARENTLY succeeding (though I feel progress: and look: back up to 40 hours now, and willing to restart the fast right away, without neurotic fears of thinness, and beginnings of phone support). -- but he will abandon me. ALso: whenever I feel scared / depressed I cannot say since he does not quite accept feelings. Often: I am really in too much pain even to speak to him. Yet I do not dare remain silent. When I do remain silent he quickly starts chattering. so it becomes MORE frightening / unacceptable for me to remain self-caringly silent... this man simply cannot stand real feelings. It is horribly destructive for me since I cannot assert myself in the face of his intimidation.

A major thing that is not working in my life is that I do not have internet access of my own. I use my housemate's computer. This is really bad. i need to have unfettered access. Today I am depriving myself of sleep to use the computer while it is available. Depriving myself of sleep is not conducive to my being able to plan my life and fasts as I need to do to succeed. The solution. Is what? Get wifi on a monthly plan. I have a wifi card. Or as I say before try the cable in my room. But wifi the real solution (cable may not work and I have to buy cables oh God) is too expensive. This is incentive to go to live withthe italian food rapist. How am i supposed to leave my comfortable gentle situation??????

I want to use self hypnosis to create a fast. I want to put this in my routine and have it enable me to take a fast of my desired length.

Right now I have been on line several hours. I woke up 7 or 8 am I don't even remember and hate that, and got right on line. The computer was free, you see, and I was so afraid it would not be later that I destroyed my sleep. Also having violated my fast I felt "free" to stuff down more food which thankfully i have not yet. But still I am in pain since i am compulsed to eat right now but my body cannot handle food and I am basically compulsed to go and stuff food down since I do not see another solution ... or do I? ... I could wait till able to handle food and THEN eat. But what I wanted to do was re-start my fast right away. What I wanted to do was at 950 cals and then set up plans for distraction and support and go 5 days. Maybe a personals ad: Distract Me During a Fast! I would probably get response.

... this is later. my body can sort of handle food so i am going to go get 950 cals, re-begin my fast right after, then go about my day plan including importantly minutely scheduling the first 5 days fo the fast to avoid loneliness boredom disengagement from art overstrain etc. This may take all day actually but is the only thing worth doing -- so worth it. My priority is fasting. it is coming to be almost large enough in my life and attention for me to succeed. i know with persistence I will succeed in learning to fast several days.


COMMITMENTS:
To buy more and better sprouters on line.
More fasting books on line (Shelton) at amazon dot com
Set up own computer.
Call better living situation today (non-italian-food-forcer situation)
Personals ad for more fasting support. Distract me during a fast!
Work out how to minimally violate a fast or some harm-reduction solution if compulsed.
PLan in detail first 5 (difficult) days of fast, to escape situation of loneliness, boredom taht triggers abandoning fast. Use personals ads...

How do you feel about this message? Agree Disagree Hide this question


Attributes associated with this message:

lauray will be notified if you reply to this message!
lauray will be notified if you reply to any message in this thread!



 

Popularity:   message viewed 2086 times
URL:   http://www.curezone.org/blogs/fm.asp?i=985684

<< Return to the standard message view