I feel like s**t.

Date:   7/28/2007 8:45:08 AM ( 17 y ago)

It is now just after 3 pm and at 8:38 pm I will enter Day Two of this Self-Transformation hell. I wish I could go to the movies but it is too expensive. This message is jsut going to be a stream of consciousnes. I wish I could organize and think about and develop what I am saying but I am too furious to do this. I need just to express angrily. Repressively cheerful posts make me furious.

I hate everything. Everything is gray. I do not want to go anywhere. i do not want to do anything. I am constantly assaulted by a compulsive pressure to be positive. I am forming this plan that says... oh... maybe today's not the day to begin a fast... maybe a nice slamming food-drunk tonight and start tomorrow... I'd have more motivation that way... But I am not happy with this. I am not happy with anything. I am frightened by this. I am frightened that I will never be allowed to be happy again. I am frightened by the emerging sense I have of the unacceptability, th unhealthiness, of seeking to feel good. I cannot stand life if I do not feel good. I am supremely frustrated at being stuck in a forum for healing that is belo my intellectual level and full of negativity and of people who attack me. I am frustrated that the higher intelelctual worls to which I aspire is closed to me and uninterested in what I am working on -- basic sobriety, such basic survival issues. I feel excluded and I feel so scared of jsut being permanently stunted and hurt by the intelelctual company I keep. I am so frustrated by the repressive, ignorant, moralistic, dishonest, idiotic cloak that the people in these cure zone healing forums keep their real minds under and the rarity of real healing. People don't dare to be honest and the positivity is so false and comes suppoorted by such unconfessed food addiction and people never say what they are really thinking and feeling ad they don't even realize that they don't even know their own real thoughts.

So the point is for me to get in touch with my real feelings here and my real thoughts and to discover some real Desire to Fast and Stay Out of Getting High on food. Okay, I am motivated. I just can't believe I have to f*cking go through this misery. I am unwilling to do it. It is a weird state I am in. I need to express my UNWILLINGNESS I think. I really feel so frightened and so unable to shore up my own resolve. I feel whatever I do to try to convin I fel I cannot manipulate myself, not be even a litle bit manpulative -- I feel I cannot influence myself at all. Like I have to just sit here and just horrifyingly be overtaken by this compulsion to leave thelibrary and go get a binge and just binge and get that wave of -- of what -- of blankness that is so dangerous now and so virulent... I just want neverthe less
I am thinking back to other miserable times some of them in europe but no les miserable for being there.. wandering the streets trying to find supermarkets that were open and that could give me the high that .. the anxiety ... I am afraid to assert myself to others The thing i need to assert is I DO NOT WANT TO BE FAT; I WANT TO BE THIN; AS THIN AS PLEASES ME; AND IF YOU DO NOT LIKE THIS THEN GO F*CK YOURSELF. And if I asserted this I would see the way to arrive where I wanted to be... but i have not asserted it and been driven underground in a horror of persistent food-toxicity and addiction as I have tried simultaneously to keep the weight off and conceal my efforts to do so because others slam me for making these efforts (frequently I am screamed at... I receive screams of 'stop trying to stay thin if it is so hard' as though something that were hard had to be abandoned, just because it was inconvenient for another, selfish, probably fat, raping, violating, domineering person to observe... just because it this person had no boundaries and was incapable of distinguishing between itself (yes, ITself)and me and had decided that therefore I was not to be allowed to strive hard for anything or go through any pain or discomfort...... and all this in the context of beign driven also simulta´neously to find ways to binge,and keep that secret too since the rapist type people would see me bingeing and be happy and satisfied at my humiliation and would never support me to get sober from food...
... and also there is my own attachment to the bingeing... and then -- OI say this vulnerably and with the request that any readers NOT REPLY -- I fear that if i really get over the food-addictedness my body will take over and force me to be fatter than i want to be. I cannot say this out loud because then the people will scream at me that I have to be forced to be that fat and that I am bad or unacceptable or "unhealthy" (the modern equivalent of "damned") if I insist on maintaining a thinness pleasing to me but not necessarily pleasing to others. I am furios about having been treated this way and having been forced to live in self-concealment and helpless secrecy and I am furious that my wish not to be fat, and to be thin, has been abused and repressed and denied support or even acceptance by others.
Most of all I think I have to keep on the awareness that right now I am trying to fast and I just want to binge.
Iam frightened that the good feeling will never come. I am frightened that it will come and my body will want to stay fasting forever and I will die. I am jsut bored. I am miserable. i lack a life because food addiction has taken over my life. I need a real forum where people address food addiction through fasting to detox and then the slowest return to eating, to prevent reawakening the craving to get high on food.
OK another post next hour i guess

So... I have the developing sense of my eating as simply a series of food-drunks...

 

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