I'm thinking of an Hour by Hour Blog of this Fast

Date:   7/28/2007 8:03:34 AM ( 17 y ago)

HI, so, I felt a little pressure from pride to restart my fasting attempt and I did eat violently yesterday in adnvance of this fast but I held firm in my underlying commitment to food sobriety and that is what ths fasting project os all about really -- becoming willing to permanently become sober -- to stop geting high on food.

Last night I felt really Ok with sobriety. i felt truly calm about it. I felt: yeah: being sober is simply and clearly BETTER and i actually PREFER sobriety to that constant state of anticipating food, and then eating it to produce that particular numbness and bloating and brain fog and panic attack and depression, and then recovering, and then repeating the eating-to-impact/numbness.
I slept about 13 hours -- just as I did on the first day of my last (51 1/4-hour) fast. I like this because it

I think my depression, an my willingness to practice sobriety, are, while I am still toxic, pretty much purely attributable to the bacterial condition of my large intestine. I have heard (Donna Gates, I think), and it seems, the bad bacteria are quiet after a binge but then "get hungry" as they are now and cut into my willingness to stay sober and not go for that eating-induced state of numbness -- that emotion-squashing impact.
Right now I feel hungry, and I woke up less excited about Sobriety -- or with less of the calm certainty of the superiority and preferability of sobriety to intoxication. I am trying to tell myself that eating right no would just produce the numbness and intoxication. The hunger -- false hunger, I know, but it is there -- makes it hard to determminedly avoid ... my mind is partly saying, "come on...

Yes, I do feel hurried and pushed and driven into this fast. But that doesn't really matter.

The big revelastion


So I woke up sort of disoriented and neding comfort an sad... having slept the 13 hours... again, very atypical for me... but a good thing was that I immediately reacred saying, "No!!! Happy!! I can make myself happy!!! I can chooe happiness and choose to just be happy fasting and think thoughts of things that I like and feel sunny and cosy and good! I do NOT have to go into the sadness and dramatic negativity and tragic feeling that -- as I have clearly realized in the past -- pushed me into the food-eating-self-intoxication! I can be happy! I was able to turn on the radio, NPR, loud, andread and write affirmations of my fast, and look at a cheerful kids' magazine I had bought for myself last week and dress and put away some kitchen-linen laundry (that I won't need! and to remove from my room any reminder of food!) and deliberately choose more cheerful thoughts than those that I was automatically inclinig towards. I got dressed and all the way to the train station I read or wrote affirmations of my fast... last night I dreamed of a girl that had been in language school with me this summer. She was from Chile and I really liked her; she had a a real and intelligent sense of humor. So she came to me in my dream. In the dream I was being unfair to her and trying to hide this unsuccessfully. I was actually eating up some of this food that belonged to her and that she had left in some common area. But I admitted this to her in the dream. I made some move to replace the food or make up for what I had done -- I dodn'T do enough, and i should not have stolen in the first place, but it was something for me to admit it. I felt reall ashamed of myself that I had treated someone really upper-class like her in this way,and someone that I really liked. I felt so ashamed.

So my feelings this hour are that I have this basic positivity about fasting seven days but I feel a bit pushed into it but I am hoping I will jsut settle into it and fast and heal.

One thing I haven't covered is my Eureka over the pst couple of days which is that ALL MY PROBLEMS COME FROM MY EATING AFTER FASTING. I eat too much too soon, as simple as that. I really hurt myself eating as I did after only a two-day fast. Even two days was enough to brign healing nd the need to eat again slowly instead of quickly. I have realized that after any fast no matter how brief I have got to eat about one alfalfa sprout per hour and really go slowly... I will probably take seven days to break this seven-day fast

....oh... it is a long time... but it is worth it, I have got to affirm it if I want to succeed. ...I have got to express myself and ALL my real feelings and thoughts EXACTLY, and this is of the utmost importance, though. I am confused on affirmations because I sometimes really repress myself with them and end up just backlashing and getting the opposite effect of what I want...


So I now have the willingness to breaka fast slowly and according to a prescribed regimen... there are two problems with this, one, my terror, which is from simply doing somethig differeng (it becomes perversely comforting to eat too quickly after a fast and get really sick)... and I am terrified that I will NEVER accept food again... and I am terrified my body will reject the tiny bit of food.. and I am afraid that i will be forced back into fasting.. and I am afraid that I illl be forced by my body to fast too long, and die. So it is actually incredibly scary to go into the very-sparing.eating mode after a fast. To eat lots quickly has this reassuring, you-aren't-going-to-starve effect, even as it kills me and kills my nascent food-sobriety. I wish people emphasized SO MUCH MORE STRONGLY that te MOST IMPORTANT PART OF A FAST IS AFTER THE FAST -- that there is a NON-NEGOTIABLE and VITALLY NECESSARY period of EXTREMELY SPARING EATING that has GOT to go on if you don't want to be severely hurt and jsut reintoxicated and sent as I have been this past time or couple of times rather out of control
.. oh.... I jsut want to binge....
But OK. THis fast can be a happy thing. I am going to be taking aa fun plane trip. I am going to be going back to America. I am going to be blogging my fast. i am going to -- ok here is maybe a possible gift to myself -- splurge in my lst days on an internet cafe so i can blog my fast hour by houra nd look over the hours periodically... if I knew more about the bacteriology of my colon I could trace the mod swings to definite shifts in that eliminative-organ-chemistry... I can remind myself that if I keep fasting I will get the willingness to be sober back. But it does not feel good to say that to myself so I won't ... i will simply say that it is hard but I am going to do it. I wish I could ba happy. i wish I could have the relief of a binge. I wish I could eat. I am so miserable. ... Maybe I have to tell myself that once the first three days are over with I will not miss the food. Well, I guess I can work on my fiction writing maybe and well I can commit to blogging every hour maybe but I really have to express MY EXTREME SADNESS AND RAGE AND FRUSTRATION AND CRAVING and it would be unhealthy to express anything else. I am mad. f**k this. I just want to go eat. What the hell is the point? I hate this. i am going to go back to the usa and be beaten and humiliated by my dad and refused a place to stay. I am going to have to go up to my new living situation and this will be miserable and my life will be miserable. it is no use pretending that I feel well. I feel like shit. Time for a new blog entry.






 

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