I am trying to WANT again to fast for all ten days.

Date:   7/24/2007 12:03:17 PM ( 17 y ago)

I am trying to find the willingness to fast throught night. I do not really feel it. i just anticipate misery although i am going to the bookstore and the movies. i am a little scared of the fasting.

I have ben having some very slight sickness. i have not drunk much water at all. i could go out and get some nice water. Nice water. Hah. Ugh.

so, some slight sickness, and a massive crisis in motivation, probably an outright loss of the fast. i guess I can determine just to get through the f**king night.

So. i keep the fast. Then what. No-- I do not want to consider pros and cons. i do not want to think it through. If i did eat though i would be i guess disappointed. but that isnt going tostop me from eating.

what is going to stop me???????
i am going to the bookstore and then to the late movie. movie will go until like 2 30 am and home at 3 and straight to bed so fine. Morning i will get back to the library cause i dont trust myself at home tho it might be nice to get myself home-organized and packing-prepared... so maybe that is the plan
Can I commit to fasting tonight?

one note: got an email from my mom today who 10 years ago this year was instrumental in having me (briefly and, the doctors admitting me all agreed, completely unwarrantedly) locked up in a mental hospital... obviously not someone capable of conceiving that I am good and a positive and constructive person (I have decided I need people who are not "worried" about me... that I need people who see strength and success and flourishing and life in me... mom is scaaaaarrrrred by fasting...) ... so, got an email, in response to a cheeky email sent by me yesterday... she had sent a brief note: hi! where are you and what are you doing? and I shot back: I am in Berlin, fasting! ... Please respond only with positivity about and support for fasting! and now she sends this email back which I have not read... I am so scared now she is sending Interpol after me and i will shortly be arrested and confined to a hospital and forcefed until my system is irrevocably ruined and no amount even of fasting will ever put it right. oh god do i dare read this email I so hate her f**king guts.



I am very depressed right now since i am delirious with fatigue and just feel myself slipping into apathy and just the giving up of this fast and just going and eating.

i am in despair now and i cannot lie, I do not see how I am going to get through the night and I cannot see how to get myself to want to fast again. Help somebody please





 

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