“Hatred paralyses life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it.” Martin Luther King, Jr. quotes (American Baptist Minister and Civil-Rights Leader. 1929-1968)

Date:   6/18/2007 10:07:06 PM ( 17 y ago)

Symptoms:
skin:
face smooth
neck smooth
shoulder smooth (is this just a passing phase cos it feels very nice)
chest a little dry
abdomen smooth
pelvis a little dry
upper arm smooth
elbow dry, a little shiny, slight inflammation
lower arm smooth
right wrist smooth
hand smooth
inner thigh a little dry
back thigh smooth
knee cap mildly dry, scattered bruises skin has repaired
back of knee dry, inflammed (omg i hate this part)
lower leg (front) dry and dull (maybe if I dont touch the skin, it will renew and heal faster)
feet ventrum dry and mildly inflammed, slight improvement
ankles ok

tongue: thin white film on whole tongue
odour:--
BM:--
others:
overall:listless

sleep: 10 hrs

Exercise
1. moved my 2nd box of stuff to new house
2. met up with Dr Raymond Ng--TFL?

Goals:
1. I want fantastic health, free of diseases and addictions.
2. Clear eczema
3. Lose 10kg

I want to write an expository on my gratefulness today. I feel I do not appreciate enough anymore, or at least I forget to because I spend more time dwelling on what others have which I do not.

Thank you Lord for giving me another day to live. A day that is made up of many many seconds--86400s--where each miniscule pocket of time holds beauty of an infinite degree. It may be fleeting and unrecoverable, but nonetheless I had the blessing of that moment. It is given to me not because you have spare time and had to equitably distribute among the masses, but because you want me to profit from it.If I did not serve you well yesterday, last week, last month or last year, then I will try to make you proud today. I am like a baby learning how to take my first few steps. No matter how many times I fall, I will crawl onto my feet again and stand tall. I want to show you I can walk 10 steps, 100, even 1000 steps.

Thank you Lord for giving me legs that allow me to walk, run, kick, skip, swim. I cannot imagine what an inconvenience it will be to have no legs. I know I often complain and wish I could have good legs with no rash or dullness or dryness, but I have forgotten that these two legs I have were given to me. And I have to take good care of them because they are the only two legs I have got. (well, maybe if I were a robot I could get spare-parts, but that is wishful thinking!) I know physiologically the skin can fully repair itself. I just have to serve up tenacity and self-control to turn theory into action.

Thank you Lord for giving me the courage to study medicine. It is a fiendish coveted course of many high school students and yet as effortlessly as it was, I was given this wonderful opportunity. I enjoy my learning process, even sitting here in the doctor's room conducting my clinical research. I always grumble that going to school can be such a waste of time because at every lecture there is so many more question marks rather than answers gained, but I realized yesterday that this is part of learning. Even when I teach, my first session on a new topic intimidates my students but by the second and third, they become very familiar with the new skill. And a very interesting observation is that my students always push themselves very hard for me because they wish not to disappoint--each session there is abundant laughter and eureka moments.I still have a long to go before I graduate but if I model after my students, I hope to do you proud. I told myself the night before, "After the last 2 difficult years, I am not willing to compromise my academics any further. I will faithfully read my work everyday after lecture and keep going until I find my way into the dean's list--for the next 4 years of medical school."

Thank you Lord for giving me an assortment of friends. Friends from M2 are invariably concerned about my physical and mental well-being after they knew about the horrific details of my yesteryear. I still remember how they all threw me an intimate make-shift birthday party when I was hospitalized on my 21st birthday. I still keep their presents with me. I love each of them dearly. Friends from M1 have only been of short acquaintance but they clamour to spend time with me to get to know me during the new academic year. I wonder how they will take the news of my trauma which I have tightly kept mum about, but I know we medical students are a supportive bunch and I will be just ok. Friends from HCJC were surprisingly benevolent when they heard of the nasty reports my parnets made about me. They have not heard from me for two years, yet just hearing that something was wrong they were immediately concerned. I owe them a big thank you. Friends from clinics have been nothing but welcoming and I have learnt a lot being here, speaking to patients everyday and learning from my doctors. And many other friends too which I missed mentioning. But a special thank you for having cross paths with Vanda who has followed me for a few months now and has been the most encouraging big sister I never had as I try my best to recover into a state of health.

Thank you Lord for giving me Husnu, at my best and my worst (worst should be more appropriate). I love him and I know he loves me too. I have no picture of him with me(my parents probably stole and destroy them), only a memory and a belief. But I miss him so much. I miss his soul. After 2 very difficult years, it feels as if he has disappeared like mist. I miss the man who used to be soft, appreciative and talkative. Where has gone to? I plan to just stop talking to him for a while and maybe tell him how I feel when I am at a better place;I have too much to deal with now: myself and my medical school finances.

Thank you Lord for all the little things. I shall say my prayers every time I see, hear or remember something blessed. It is far better to be awash in golden love than to be soaked in never-ending unhappiness.

I am a larva in a chrysalis, incubating. Give me a little time and I will crawl out as the most beautiful butterfly--a red, black butterfly. I will flap my paper-thin wings and take to the winds.

What a sweet thought.

 

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