had to break the fast today

Date:   6/17/2007 7:56:03 AM ( 17 y ago)

I had to interrupt my fast today because the mother of a child I am tuitioning insisted that I tried her luxuriant dumplings she specially bought for me. Sigh. Anyway, I will restart the 21 day water fast tomorrow--again. No more excuses.

I had a weak moment today when I broke down. Life is such a paradox. I am such a strong character yet I have such a fragile inner core. Although I have struggled with my weight since young (no, I am not fat), a consequent of my multiple eating disorders and diet changes, today it hit me very hard when I saw girls my age being able to flaunt their bodies, especially their flawless skin. I hate that my legs are the worst affected and it worries me so hard whether a long fast will fix it. I hate my eczema and it made me so upset and angry with myself the emotions poured out in silent tears. I hate the way I look now. I hate being ugly. I really hate it. My physical problems--eczema and some extra weight--are causing me to lose an overall stability, which contributes to my irritability, distractability and self-deprecation. It is a double-edge sword. On one hand, it motivates me to finish the fast. On the other hand, the frustration at myself intensifies my emotional binging tendencies. For the first time, I really feel grostesque.

Yes, I should not be so melodramatic. Nobody is perfect and life is never fair. Everybody has a weakness that they wish they never had. I have been blessed in many areas of my life but my health is my headache. Yes, it is not entirely nature's fault; I did make some very negative lifestyle choices from a young age. But there is no point reminiscing. I just have to keep going on. Just take to heart that this is just one of God's greatest challenge for me. I am meant to learn from this lesson. When I have learnt, this will pass.




 

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