i'm losing my mind

Date:   6/14/2007 4:24:21 PM ( 17 y ago)

Symptoms:
skin:
face smooth
neck smooth
shoulder dry
chest dry
abdomen smooth
pelvis dry
upper arm smooth
elbow dry,
lower arm smooth
right wrist smooth
hand smooth
inner thigh a little dry
back thigh smooth
knee cap mildly dry, inflamation, scattered bruises skin has repaired
back of knee dry, inflammed
lower leg (front)dry scattered bruises, dry and dull
feet ventrum dry and mildly inflammed
ankles ok

tongue: thin white film on whole tongue
odour:--
BM:--
others:
overall:could use more sleep

sleep: 2 hrs

Exercise
1.went to clinics
2.taught my student at Pandan Valley


Goals:
1. I want fantastic health, free of diseases and addictions.
2. Clear eczema
3. Lose 10kg

I am looooooosing my mind. The day could not get worst than today.

First, I had my court hearing where the judge gave me only 2 options: either I attend the trial on July 24 against my parents or I withdraw my PPO. Giving priority to my vacation with my boyfriend, I decided to withdraw. Now, I am extremely fearful because I have no legal protection and puts me in the danger for being attacked by my crazy violent parents. I feel like a toy thrown into the colosseum full of lions. And I am frsutrated and irate because my parents will no longer be charged for their wrongful behaviour. I am hurt most becuase the psychological trauma of my abuse is tearing me apart inside, something nobody can understand or empathize. I do not know how I am going to move past this.

Second, my boyfriend suddenly changed his mind and told me I had to severely cut short our trip. I was so mad because I withdrew my protection order application for him and it just was not fair we have not spent time together. We had a huge fight. With the pressure on to keep or release my ticket by Sat, I was losing it. He told me we would continue the conversation tomorrow. I hope we can compromise and work something out. I would like to spend what is left of my summer in his country. There is absolutely no reason for me to return back home here where there is just so much drama and pain. I love him very deeply and I know he loves me just as much but this long-distance relationship is proving to be just too much. Both of us have confided that we want a happy ending but that seems highly impossible. I am really hurt.

Third, my relatives vehemently turned me down when I asked them to be a guarantor for my tuition fee loan, once I secured the bond with MOH. They were all talk, no action, full of cynicism and claimed that their displeasure with my father was the reason for their rejection. Knowing that I am living on my own, trying to secure my medical school fees and being the only relative that can offer any help, they still flatly refused. I was stung by the cold water tossed at me. Now, only doctors will be able to help me ie Dr Rayong Ng (we will meet and discuss about being a guarantor next tuesday at united square) and perhaps Dr Chia or Prof Raj or Prof Gwee? I am running out of options. I am getting desperately perturbed.

Let me just compose my nerves. Yes, perhaps I could try to appeal the judge to take up the case again but I know that that is slim. What is absolute is that my relationship with my family is kaput and I have to take care of what all the violence inflicted arbitrarily on me can potentially do to my well-being. I need help. I need to fast and recover fully.

Rule: Form follows structure.

Spend time with people who care about me and make me happy. Take a vacation. Read nurturing books and start life afresh. It is going to be very challenging but life goes on. I just have to keep on going.

Rule: Someone may have stolen your dream when it was young and fresh and you
were innocent. Anger is natural. Grief is appropriate. Healing is
mandatory. Restoration is possible.
~Jane Rubietta


Rule: Start loving myself.

Convince my boyfriend to spend more time with me because this is the only long summer I have during my entire medcal school. It is not fair he is so inflexible with my stay. I was not prepared to be rejected by him. I was prepared for him to say, "Sure. I love you. I want t spend summer with you." So, though I love him very much, I am hesitant whether I want to continue this relationship anymore. He has hurt me so many times I don't know how much I can take. I am asking my travel agent to hold the ticket a little longer.

I am taking a day off tomorrow to rest. In the morning, I will return my medical books and hand in my TKC Scholarship application. Next I will go to the Registrar's Office to settle my financial aid (require my expedited order and declaration saved in thumbdrive). I will try to take a break in the afternoon and teach my student in the late afternoon.

In the evning, I will spend time speaking to Husnu. I dont want to incite another fight.

I am losing my mind with everything happening at the same time. I wish none of these have come to me. I will be able to just focus on medical school. Right now, I am just exhuasted, frustrated, worried, upset, uncertain and very alone and vulnerable.

What next?

 

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