6:30 PM
April 25, 07
Heart's Desire
Blog # 8
It is one month after what would have been
Dr. Bernard Jensen's 99th Birthday.
It that possible thatI have done so much
in just one month?
I feel I have lived Lifetimes,
so many precious adventures,
insights, and special gifts.
One of the Most Precious Gifts
has been interacting with a Powerful Jewish Woman
in the last ten days or so.
It has all been via email.
She lives in a different part of the country.
I just got up from a nap
with deep insights.
It is somewhere in the late 70's.
I am a "New Age" star in my own eyes
in San Diego. I have been interacting with
[ ], one of the great trance channels
of our time. We created the Essene School of Thought audio
library together, my questions, his answers
in workshops with many students in San Diego.
It is the start of Expos's and Conferences.
The Whole Life Expo is gearing up
and starting to become something
at the Pasadena Convention Center.
I am walking toward the door
on the East side of the building.
I am still with Harpo, or he is in my energy field.
Harpo is a substitute father figure for
my Jewish Father whose Jewishness was very toxic
to me. My other substitute father was Dr. Jensen.
It took two substitute fathers just be get me
up and running.
I felt really beaten down by my own Jewish father.
Somewhere on this Blog, there are a ton of writings
about that. I was writing Father issues when I
attended my 35th High School Reunion.
That triggered a lot of stuff and healing
of Father Wound.
So here I am back in 1979.
I see this woman.
She is Jewish. I go into shock.
I had no idea how deep the pattern.
I have been avoiding Jewish woman like the plaque.
They are too painful. They
trigger in me all the issues I have escaped through
my New Age existence.
I am a Runaway from responsibility.
I am a Bonefide Peter Pan.
Jewish Women:
They ask questions like,
"Are you a good father.
Where is the paycheck?"
Are you making enough to
take care of the family?
[ Of course, any good woman,
no matter her ethnicity asks the same,
but being born Jewish, I relate
this to the Jewish woman. ]
To take care of a family
a man needs to be a grown up.
Most men can make a living
and bring home the bacon so to speak
but at what cost? Most generally
sell their souls for the entry Fee to
the Garden that for many
of us men can be defined as the
sexual entry place on Woman's Body.
The Cost to Mother Earth of defining
the Garden so small is evident today.
I see the results in Global Warming.
That entry place is used by society.
Every man by nature wants to enter
the Garden, and he will do anything
to come home to that place, even
commit crimes.
I never went the conventional route
of making a Live. That route was
unnatural for me.
I was intended to escape this insane world
so that I might as a outcast, create
a more luscious world and redefine the garden
for both men and woman.
The larger Garden has been lost.
It is lost to Jews. It is lost to all.
We have found computers.
We live in a Computer Age.
The Apple computer is more well known today
than the Apple Tree.
We know very little about seeds.
We know so little that we will allow
GMO's to take over and Bees to die out
because they are lost in the world we
have made for them.
The Jewish Woman:
As an Outcast, I would do anything to
be Acceptable in her eyes
because in the Jewish part of me I not Enuf in my own eyes.
So here I am in 1979.
It is likely the Rainbow Rose Festival
I am in my first return to the City of Angels,
the City of my birth, the place of
my Original Pain, that happens to be
in a Jewish context.
Oh God. I recognize this woman!
She is familiar to me!
Who is this?
I know this woman.
When I was less than 13, my mother had already died.
My Mother was the Center of my Life.
She was the Center of our Whole Jewish Community
of East Los Angeles in my eyes.
She was my connection to my Jewish Community.
She was my safe haven from my Raging Father.
She is the spoon I cuddle up with on a Sunday
night in front of the TV to watch the Ed Sullivan
show. She is the warmth of hot milk with
soda crackers, and the feeling of safety up against my
back.
And then she dies.
I wrote about that in "Rekindling of Faith,"
and describe in that book some of my healing
of this Original Pain Work.
Can you see how powerful it was
for me to be accepted by Twin Soul/Best Friend,
the woman I have been with for near seven years?
She is a Jewish Woman, born of a Jewish family.
She lives in a suburban area and her home
is in a wealthy area although it is an old house.
She went to school, a good college.
She showed brilliance.
She, like me, was an outcase at an early age.
She like me, had Father Wounds.
She was my Garden, even though I had a Bigger Garden.
To be held by her, to be loved by her
on her belly, this was powerful and doubly
powerful because she is Jewish.
There was a pattern between us that fit
my M.O. I was consistently being let in
and then kicked out of her Garden
The coming in and being cast out of her
Garden. Can you see it?
It is the pattern.
I was always being let in for brief moments
as a youth into the place of comfort
and then caste out, and then, my mother
died and I was really kicked out of the family
life that I knew.
One of the Ultimate Casts Out came when
my Mother died. We had just moved to another
part of town. I was tossed around
and taken here and there to be fed
by my father who tried so hard, and yet
he was in such deep pain and grief of his own.
Each time, I am kicked out of a woman's garden,
I relive the loss of Mother.
It is a pattern I know. Some kind of
incomplete pattern.
My mother, she was my father's mother too,
not really his wife.
The Pattern Revealed:
Here I am walking up to the Pasadena
Convention Center.
I see this woman. Her name is Kathleen Gildred.
I know her.
My Aunt Sadie, a distant relative of my father,
would bring me over to her home in Beverly Hills.
There was a picture of this little girl,
this little girl who was loved and not cast out.
She was being so honored up there.
I admired that painting, that some one cared
that much to make a painting, and her parents
the son of Aunt Sadie, they had money.
Her father could afford this painting and take care of
his family.
Me? What could I afford?
I had no conventional Job.
What did I do to Make a Living?
Promote a Trance Channel.
Live with a weirdo named Harpo on the beach.
Live in an earlier version of the
EG Mobile in the country with Dr. Jensen.
Walk crooked. Have no normal relationship
with my sister, or her children.
Not speak Hebrew.
Be a Failure in Hebrew School as a kid.
Be a Leader of the Outcasts...
the Light Workers.
Oh my Gosh, can you see the picture?
I saw this woman, Kathleen.
I was terrified. I was shaking in my body.
A Jewish Woman, a Representative of the
Old I ran away from. Society, expectation,
House Ownership, the Two Car Garage.
Adult responsibility. The children
I helped abort from my unwed girlfriends,
who by the way were not Jewish.
Kathleen, this woman I saw the first day
I came back to L.A. She was the little girl in
the painting.
The only Jewish Woman I ever was intimate
with up to then, I shunned. Sweet Marilyn
of Hillel, a Jewish group on campus.
I chose Christina over her, a "Shiksa,"
a non-Jew.
["Non-Jew"?
What an abomination of a word.
I would ban it from the language.
It is like defining the world
as all Christian and calling
Jews, "Non-Christians." ]
Where am I?
Of yes...
So here I am conversing with this
Jewish Powerful Woman the last 10 days.
She is saying things, during our
Honeymoon, like,
"What took you so long to get here?"
How esteeming! How incredible.
It would have been absurd for Kathleen
to say those words back in 1979
I was no where is the healing
of my Self Hood a Whole Being,
a Whole Person.
And here is this Jewish Woman
a Center of the Jewish world that
I respect, saying these words to me
in 2007.
Virginia Slim:
"You have come a long way Baby!"
Twin Soul/Best Friend.
I have been struggling not to call her today.
She is so a part of me.
So very essential.
This New Woman, a very special Soul Ally,
in some ways, she is Intimidating.
Where is this going, this new whatever?
What does it matter.
I today won a game of Bingo.
I see.
Through our interactions,
I wake up from a nap.
I am maybe five.
My father has held me back from Jewish Parochial
school. I went to Kindergarden with the Christina's
in my world, and now I am sitting in second grade,
and do not have a clue how to make sense of Hebrew.
I am in Hebrew class, and the Kids around
me have a Foundation in this. They went
to Grade One and Kindergarden here.
I am naturally smart, so I am coming up with
some formula for how to read Hebrew.
A is 1
B is 2
C is 3
Here is a Hebrew word.
What does it mean?
So I translate Aleph for A
Bet for B and I turn in my work.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Wrong.
Stupid.
Dunce
Dunce.
Dunce.
Memorize this, Memorize that.
Oh what pain!
[ I lot of this material
is in "Rekindling of Faith,"
one of my books. ]
Who is my first girlfriend?
Is she Jewish?
of course not.
She is Asian.
[Oh my God...Benny
where is Benny?
I saw Benny at my 35th High School
Reunion, and he told me he knew
where she was! Is that possible?
Oh my God, Benny. ]
Fast forward.
a number of years.
I am sitting in the Fire Engine
at the Fire Station.
I step on the wrong button on the floor,'
The horn goes off. I am the first one
out of the Fire station...that is how
fast I can run.
That was before I started to grow crooked
and old before my time.
There are certain bones that develop
and seal in the hips when we are young.
They are suppose to seal at a certain age.
Mine sealed before their time.
I attribute this to being forced to grow
up too soon.
When I was 7, my father was always
saying, "You are almost eight. Grow up!"
When I was eight, he was saying, you are almost
nine. Grow up!"
I remember crying because I was crying.
I never got to be the age I was.
I remember sitting at the table attempting
to learn money numbers. Every Jew is suppose
to understand money #. I never got it.
Something in the Sacred Numbers was missing,
maybe nothing was wrong with me.
Maybe it was the math. Maybe it was because
I was not suppose to grow that way.
I was not suppose to grow this way.
Now here comes this Powerful Woman into my
Life. We are talking. Who knows where this
is going. Who cares.
Today was very powerful.
She says things and I know enough
about her Jewishness inside the loop
to inspire and trigger certain trains of thought
that are healing.
I have been coming into my Self in
a Whole New Way.
I imagine that is why she is in my Life right now,
and it is a Precious Gift.
What is the purpose of Love?
Love is what makes the world go round.
It makes the Jewish World Go round.
It makes the world that Jewish is part of
go round.
Love brings up everything in us
so there can be more love.
Love is what happens when two people
stay in touch with feelings, and find
the courage to keep making a healthy
relationship.
Often a healthy relationship comes
from seeing what we are doing that is
self abusive, and raising the Price Tag
for what we are asking from others who
we adore. Love asks reciprocity.
Love asks the capacity to forgive
and let go. Love asks the Other
to be themselves, and that being themselves,
there is both a self honoring and
and selflessness, a giving and willingness
to receive.
Today I am drawing a larger circle.
I am wondering if someone in the
Wounded Healer's Path ever gets
to Truly Enter the Garden, truly
enter the Promised Land that is Really Big
and wants to be everywhere.
There is a crisis in Bees I hear.
Some say, Bees are dying and when they go
there will be no more food for anyone.
Outside, on the front porch, there is
a happy bunch of bees, very tame, going
about their work, gathering pollen off
a bright red tree.
I am in the Garden,
and it is oh so beautiful.
Your EG
8:19 PM
# Plant Your Dream! by YourEnchantedGardener 161,621 page views
# Apple Cider Vinegar Cure Research Blog by RisingSun 123,038 page views
# MB Report by Ana 72,087 page views
# Raw Foods is it for Everybody by bluepastry 67,473 page views
# Mirena side effects- joint pain by zamsci 61,860 page views
# The Master Cleanse Express by Zoebess 61,374 page views
# Vibrational Health Village by vibr8 59,258 page views
# Mother Earth Heals by Liora Leah 59,222 page views
# Make Your Own Shampoo by risingsun 58,892 page views
# Uncovering The Starchild Within by Ren 57,709 page views