Life isn't like a book. Life isn't logical or sensible or orderly. Life is a mess most of the time. And theology must be lived in the midst of that mess.” Charles Caleb Colton quotes (English sportsman and writer, 1780-1832)

Date:   6/2/2007 2:22:35 AM ( 17 y ago)

When I watch Lindsay Lohan's life unfold, I cannot feel but almost as messed up as her.I admire the child star in "Parent Trap" and "Mean Girls", but her departure from an actress with great potential in her late teens has not endeared her to me at all. In spite of that I have been following her increasingly addictive news of her off-screen-dominated life. First, she has a messed up family, a lime-light stealing irresponsible mother, a father in jail and both geting a divorced. Second, she has severe esteem problems that explain her bilimia, suicide attempts and her multiple casual relationships. Third, her inexorable downhill run-in with drugs and alcohol and now supicion on DUI.

What parallels do I have? Definitely nothing as extreme as hers but I have quite a heavy load on my shoulders. First, I have a messed up family, having been psychologically, physically and emotionally abused, so much so I have to take up legal action right now in order to get personal protection order. Second, I have problems regulating my self-esteem which explains my eating disorders and abusing slimming drugs, poor body-image and relationship-hopping(though this is history now that I am more settled in a committed relationship with one of the loveliest handsomest man). Third, my poor diet and lifestyle since young led to the manisfestation of eczema with a sickly body since I was 14.

Sure I do not do cigarettes, booze, casual sex or wild partying. In fact, I have an excellent academic track record, studying medicine, playing the piano and violin, a sensible and esteemed network of doctors and peers and earning a good living working part time. Nonetheless, look beneath the sraight As and I feel like a trainwreck.

What makes things harder was how foiled my 21st birthday plans were. What should have been a fanciful alfresco italian buffet at romantic CHIJMES was instead a day spent at a hospital escaping the drama and dnagers of my house. The compensation was the most touching little surprise party thrown by my closest confidantes from medical school at a private room at the hospital. Even patients, whom I befriended during my brief hospitalization, joined in the occasion. Yes, it is ok it was quite screwed up, but I still wished I had the party. I told my boyfriend what I really wanted was to celebrate my 21st birthday again with him when we are together (he lives overseas). So in a twist of fate, I spent my 21st year doing what I had wished for when I was a child: move out and live by myself, without having to account to anyone about anythin I do. A kind of emancipation.

Nevertheless, I know I am still in a difficult transition and the question in my head everyday is "How do I get back to being an 'A'?"

I ought to put in effort in getting the help I need to get my life back on track because I realize I can never function optimally because I am constantly distracted by an external problem or distracting internal insecurity.

The help I am getting:
1. Moved out of the house--away from my dysfunctional family
2. Seeking therapy--fix my esteem issues
3. Fasting--clean up my toxic body

I got to say they are TREMENDOUSLY tough. T-R-E-M-E-N-D-O-U-S-L-Y. And I constantly vascillate between "I want this" and "I can't do this". But I know myself inside (well, a good amount I would say), loving friends and a supportive albeit faraway boyfriend. So whatever it is, I gotta try. I gotta try. Yes, I gotta try. For myself.

That is not a guarantee but that is a good step.


 

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