I am not as strong as I appear to be.

Date:   5/11/2007 2:08:44 PM ( 17 y ago)

I have to confront my emotional wounds. For the past few days, I have deeply upset about how screwed up my life is. At clinics, my friend told me I seemed "to be in a daze" or "I looked lost".

Nobody will ever know how heart-wrenching it is for me to fight for my freedom. There are the fresh memories of my intense parental physical abuse over the past year and then there is the constant reminder of the feeling of entrapment by my parent's expectations of me from young. Things have reached a point where I am forced to decide to move out so that I can protect what I believe in and allow me the space to be creative and pusue my dreams. But as I plough through my blog to produce a detailed summary of the abuse over the last year for the judge to view and grant me a protection order (next week), I am enveloped by a mixture of livid anger, disgust and hurt. Going back is very hard.

Hearing my relatives and doctors express genuine admiration for me and empathy for my predicatment makes it harder. They affirm my intelligence, potential, level-headedness and resilience. They are utterly incredulous of my plight and help me to weigh out solutions, emphasizing to focus on my goal of graduating from medical school in 4 years time. I am incredibly grateful that so many are rallying behind me because this situation is really a problem with my parents--not me-- and I am a victim of their problems, but while talking about it helps, it can only help so much. Ultimately, I am still alone in dealing with my problem.

However, what is hardest is how vulnerable and lonely I feel inside. Yet, what appears to everyone is how brave, tenacious and composed I am when I talk about my issues. Like every child, I want to be part of a good family. Like every child, I was not born to destroy my parents' expectations. But like every child, I have my own unique me to discover and become. Do you know how difficult it is to feel as if I have nobody(family I mean) to fall back on or talk to? I hear nothing but vulgarirites, accusations and insults hurled at me. I do not learn how a girl grows up to be a woman and all those femal-ish stuff that mothers pass on to their daughters. I do not learn a single wisdom about life from my father. It sucks. It disappoints. It hurts. I know my decision to move out is strongly right, but I wished I had someone, someone who loved me the way I would like to be loved, who understood me and who let me be me.

It is just very hard--and very painful. I am as strong as I appear to be.

I decided to break up with my boyfriend today.
1. He cannot give me what I need (I need a friend the most now to listen, support and believe in me. I need him to love me more now but he is vague about the progress of my family situation. I do not want him to hear the sordid details and have the idea I am whining.)
2. He is too far away
3. I cannot give up my medical dreams and if he cannot have a guaranteed place in my life, then it does not make any sense for me to waste his time.
4. I have deep emotional wounds (that is why men are advised against dating a girl who has experienced traumas like abuse or rape)
5. I have caused him many problems (my parents harass, threaten and defame him because they strongly and absurdly reject our relationship. I wish to protect him and his family. I am a cause for everything.)
6. I do not really know him (I know I can but sometimes he gets so loquacious, it makes it hard for me. My relatives are constantly asking me how much do I really know him? How much is true? Does he really love me?)

I still cannot bear to separate but I do not believe I can make a good gf to anyone now and I do not know if he can be the kind of support I need now because things are just so sickly screwed up. I love him. I really love him.

 

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