“We have come into this exquisite world to experience ever and ever more deeply our divine courage, freedom and light!” Hafiz of Persia

Date:   5/9/2007 4:55:14 AM ( 17 y ago)

Symptoms:
skin:
face a little dry
neck a little dry
shoulder a little dry
chest smooth
abdomen a little dry
upper arm smooth
elbow mildly dry, inflammation
lower arm ok
right wrist skin is 90% healed (it is gorgeous)
hand smooth
inner thigh a little dry
back thigh smooth
knee cap dry, inflamation areas showing clearly ( hate this)
back of knee dry, mildly inflammed
lower leg skin renewing (hate this)
feet ventrum dry, healing
ankled healed

tongue: thin white film on whole tongue
odour:
BM:
others:
overall:

sleep: 5 hrs (VERY BAD )

Exercise
1.walk all over (bus stop on fullerton hotel's side)

Medication
0 GNC Ultimate Cleanse
0 Multivitamin
0 Evening Primrose Oil capsules

Goals:
1. I want fantastic health, free of diseases and addictions.
2. Clear eczema
3. Fight bulimia
4. Score A for finals

Many inner thoughts today. It took me half a day to finally understand what I feeling.

1.I treat people the way I treat myself.
This is a mainly subconscious fact, which explains why people often say the truth of a person reveals itself in no time, no matter how hard we try to hide or fake ourselves. I treat others with confidence, respectability, non-judgementality, charm, well-manneredness, humor, docility and discretion. No wonder I am often similarly positively described by my friends, acquaintances and strangers. My weaknesses which I often try to hard to hide--but obviously is revealed--is that when I begin to deprecate myself, I will snap and withdraw from people and work like these outer objects are fussy superfluousness. So this is how I treat the world.

But most of all, I love a lot--myself and people. A friend calls it empathy. I noticed a message I sent to my boyfriend today.

" Do you know how exquisite you are? How exquisite you can be? I miss you. I saw two men resembling you today. Maybe I am chasing a dream, but you will always stay beautiful to me, like everything in my life."

Then, it hit me--I was talking to myself.


2. Do I know how beautiful I am? How beautiful I can be?
I felt very ugly today, absolutely debilitatingly cripplingly ugly. One, because I feel like a total object of pity having such a shitty family. Two, because I have not yet recovered and continue to hide my body in baggy, covered-up clothes, which is a huge disservice to my petite frame.

I received another threat mail from my father the night before. I knew for a fact now that he will never let up and continue to badger me as long as he pleases. It was time for me to move out, yes.

From the moment I left the house today, my sleep-needing mind was swarmed with thoughts about how I am going to move out quietly and safely, how I am going to protect my boyfriend from my parent's harm, how I am going to keep my relatives and friends safe from my nasty parents. I had to wait for a call from a social worker who was going to inform me on my protection order application. I was concerned if I had annoyed my bf when I revealed that we had to discuss soon about how we can protect him and his family from my parents (he has had the misfortune of being harassed by them before and is still unhappy with them)once I move out. I was unsure if he still loves me because of his less-than-desirable commication frequency. I was swept by a wave of loneliness when I left clinics; I do not have a good family and I have a guy whom I am just suddenly feeling uneasy about.

Where were all these feelings coming from? I did not know, but it left me nostalgic and quiet from morning.

For the second issue. Nobody can even begin to fathom what it feels like to go through eczema and two years of traumatic struggling to heal a full blown disease.Hard is too cheap a word to use. And the disease has made me feel so so so ugly. I have never liked myself and now even as I struggle to try to love myself, the fact I need to cover up my affected areas makes it a 24/7 chore. The experience is a lonely one. Now, whenever I look at anyone, I think everyone is prettier than me. I forgot how attractive I used to be.

It is known that beautiful skin and hair are assets to women. I have yet to get a haircut and a rebond and yet to heal. See what I am trying to say? I know I have to be patient--besides it is just one month isn't it? But still.

As I was strolling through the building lobbies from the clinic to the bus stop, I began to become more aware of my surroundings: quaint shops selling an assortment of goods, brightly-lit designer retail shops, multiple crowded cafes, the gloomy drizzling sky. Then, my eye rested on a building with an interesting architecture and I paused. It was an exquisite creation--a brainchild of someone, a construction by some people, and a function for so many.

And that is exactly me, Isabella. That is exactly what you are doing each day. My research work, medical school, dreams, fasting....I am doing all these for something much bigger than myself one day. Each of the things I am undertaking makes me all the more exquisite. No, please don't feel ugly.

My family treated me badly and have proven to be extremely bad role models who quashes my dreams and my identity. So leave gal, don't stay in a place which is inimical to your soul. If you feel lonely, you are not. You may not have your family--and maybe Husnu may not make the right guy--but you have so many things to keep you full and much more is awaiting you. Settle your protection order affairs and school fees affair, then move on to rebuild your life from zero again. Remember you asked your friends, if you moved out and started to rebuild life anew again you would start poor and would they still love you? They said yes.

Please never feel ugly. An approximate one month of fasting will work magic for you and a lifetime of health. You will be extremely beautiful again. So do not be discouraged.

3. I want beautiful and exquisite things in my life.
I was very confused and conflicted today. I was in clinics today and as I watched professional "bigshots" lounging as they waited for their turns during their health screening,the professionally-clothed office workers moving about the lobby of office buildings, the lavish building interiors and the rows of expensive branded cars parked outside fullerton hotel, I asked myself, "One day when I become a doc, I can have all this." But the notion made me queasy, for reasons unknown. Don't I want to have the high-life so coveted by so many? Don't I want to work in extravagant clinics and drive designer cars? Don't I want to wear designer clothes? Don't I want to feel financially empowered? Don't I want to be regarded as the "top of the game"?

In a way, yes and no. Then, I realized my reference point was wrong. It is not about having all that. Rather, it is about me making the best of me and taking my opportunities; the high-life perks will probably find their way into my life. But I was enveloped by a surge of motivation: focus to be the top of my game. Go into neurosurgery (if that is your final speciailty choice) and nail it. Just keep going and chase a neverending end. Focus. Drive. Chase.

However, there is something about the high-life that I found to admire--their beauty. I do not want much, but it is worth it to save money to buy objects of quality and beauty. Most of all, the eye should be able to appreciate all things on Earth. That is what makes ugly beautiful and beautiful exquisite.

Note 1

My friend Taoye has agreed to loan me $2000 for me to purchase my own laptop during the early August (date yet to be confirmed) matriculation fair. I will return the money by October or November. I am looking at an Acer.

Note 2

To obtain a protection order, 1. write up on the details of the abuse 2. police reports of the abuse, theft, threat mails to me, threat mails to my boyfriend. Appointment at PAVE Wednesday 16th May 1pm. Leave clinics at 1130am

Note 3

To clarify and make arrangements for medical school fees and bond issues, appointment with Prof Koh on Friday 18th May 2pm. How about appointment with Dr George?

 

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