Each person has inside a basic decency and goodness. If he listens to it and acts on it, he is giving a great deal of what it is the world needs most. It is not complicated but it takes courage. It takes courage for a person to listen to his own good Pablo Casals quotes (Spanish Cellist and Conductor, known for his virtuosic technique, skilled interpretation and consummate musicianship. 1876-1973)

Date:   4/3/2007 12:22:34 PM ( 17 y ago)

I wished I had my lost blog to write this, but alas, a quiet time to reflect on the road behind and the road ahead is also healthy for the soul.

I have come a long way these 2 years and my, what a rocky journey it has been. Every faculty--mental, physical, emotional, spiritual--was challenged and now, I am just a stone's throw away from success. I am ready to step out into my own, to appreciate, memorise and live each step from now onwards, to breathe and see all life has to offer and to get set for an uphill journey of life after now that I have hit abyss.

There is inevitably much to fear(after all, my life has been in a limbo for 2 years) but because there is so much to fear, that is why it is frivolous to waste time on fear but time life by its hand and hold on. Live fully.

Mental challenge

I was a girl with a wildly laudable resume during my teens and when I applied for medical school, especially after 2 successful interviews and a challenging entrance essay exam, I was guaranteed a seat in the prestigious medical school in Singapore. Was I happy? Indeed. I was on my way to living my dream to becoming a doctor.

"I want to heal, to use my hands and words, to save those that can be saved, because each life is fragile, precious and very beautiful." (medical essay entrance exam)

As a freshman, I started out a little lost like a boat in a vast ocean but quickly began to find my way around. However, what was enjoyable and easy for me began to spiral downwards when the stress from my illness began to overpower me. I was so sick I was "coping" on a daily basis, no longer studying but laying in bed and crying quietly in my hostel everyday. My grades slipped like a landslide and I did not clear my first year finals. Physiology.

When the results came out, I was not surprised, but sad, disappointed and stunned. This was my first failure ever in my life. I knew I had succumbed to my chronic atopic dermatitis condition, which was fluctuating like an out-of-control yo-yo, and the result was expected. I did lose some tears but the blow was absorbed quite well. I resolved to make it to the dean's list for the remaining years in medical school.

I am repeating Physiology. The previous semester I was still ill-stricken and the compounding family stress put me on the precarious list once-again with a high C for my 1st Continual Assessment (CA). However, the second semester I mustered up all my energy, detached myself from my family problems as best as I could and scored a wonderful A1 for my 2nd CA. I was among the top scorers. My final is on April 18 and I am preparing for the exams. Even though A is a dream to so many, suddenly it seems attainable to me. I hope to duplicate the score and obtain an overall A for finals. My academics is on an uphill track. How excellent it would be if I managed a fabulous A for finals! It would be like fireworks on New Year's Eve. Grand and worthwhile way to end a difficult phase of life.

I am doing a gastroenterology project with Prof Gwee, where we will study the effects of probiotics and irritable bowel syndrome. The project is set to run till the end of 2007. During summer vacation, I hope to undertake 2 more research projects, preferably in Physiology and Anatomy because I am interested in becoming a clinical research in the future. A good resume does not hurt too. If the projects progress well, I could even send them for competition. To showcase one's work would be a highlight for any medical student.

Physical challenge

I was an asthmatic when I was below 5. Then, I had a leaky nose problem till I was 12. The earliest signs of eczema surfaced when I was 8, but were mild and unnoticeable.

During my teens, driven by low self-esteem as a result of parental neglect, I began to go on various diets and consume and abuse slimming drugs. I suffered from anorexia, bulimia and food addiction. The tendencies are still existant and sometimes evident. The combination of a poor lifestyle and drug use led to a deteriorating overall health. One of the reactions as a result of an alarmingly toxic body was chronic atopic dematitis at 14. It worsened slowly and then took a yo-yo path which resembled a Ritcher graph. From 14, I have been taking corticosteroids for my condition. This played a severely damaging role.

When I was 19, after my A levels, I made a life-changing decision to get off all drugs. This was when I began to turn my life around 180 degrees, but this was also when the intense trials began. Without suppression, my body flared up uncontrollably and it was worsening day by day. I sought a cure on my own, trying various treatments, firstly chinese herbal and acupuncture methods, then japanese meditation and probiotics, next colon and blood cleanse supplements, finally discovering fasting early 2006.

However, the journey of fasting was especially difficult. Firstly, I did not have the discipline to do prolonged fasts. Secondly, my condition was dire. I was suffering from unquenchable inflammation, dryness, severe pain and itch. This was affecting my concentration and sleeping and eating patterns. Thirdly, I had dropping grades to worry about. At that time, being the perfectionist I am, I took everything, even the minutia, extremely seriously. I was dropping off the wagon repeatedly. By my finals, my health had slipped to a worser plane than the beginning of 2006 and hence the poor grades.

When I returned home from my hostel during the start of the repeat year, I was abused by my parents verbally, physically and psychologically (explained later) multiple times each month and this worsened my dematitis and made fasting fiendish because of the constantly high stress and disruption. My whole world was upside down.

I pushed on, in spite of everything that was happening and managed to do short and long fasts throughout the last semester of my repeat year and the beginning of this semester. All the hard work paid off. I no longer suffer from inflammation (only low level behind the knees), pain or itch. My complexion is better compared to a lot of people. I actually can look very normal. In fact, I have shed so many layers of epithelia my olive complexion has become ivory. I only have dry skin to deal with now. What this requires is tenacity, confidence and hard work. Patience, patience, patience.

That is why I developed the triple fast program for summer vacation.

Emotional challenge

I matured a lot these two years. I created a mantra "La Bella Vita" which I strive to live by. La Bella Vita means living with VERVE, where what counts is the number of moments that take my breath away rather than the number of breaths I take;living with PANACHE,where I can say "I'm glad I did" rather than "I wished I did";living with WHOLESOMENESS,where I understand the synergistic coupling of working hard and playing hard;living with CHILDLIKE WONDER,where at every turn, life puts a "wow" on my lips;living with FAITH,where by believing, the magic begins.

Lessons I have learnt are deepened appreciation for life's simple pleasures(the natural things), love, forgiveness, how to handle stress, understand myself, courage, preseverence, wisdom, how to slow down, be happy and believe that "all things are possible with God". I am an emancipated girl, a free light-hearted soul now, not like the girl I used to be.

I fell in love at 19, when I was still well. My boyfriend is Turkish and is much older than me. He graduated in linguistics and decided to become a tour guide because he loved history. We met while I was on spring vacation. He fell hard for me and what was scandalous at first (we were not sure an age-gap, long-distance, inter-cultural, cross-border; we have no religious differences) turned out to be something quite sexy as we stood the test of time and just celebrated our 2nd anniversary in March. He has been a huge motivating and supporting figure in my life. While afar, he always kept encouraging me in spite of my sickness and stress at school. We have spent many nights chatting away and sending each other presents.

Due to the controversial nature of our relationship, my parents were not able to accept. They started to beat me up and curse me. This went on since I returned home last semester and the police were notified and utterly worried about me. 3 weeks ago, they hit me again and the police were called for. They sent me to a hospital for a checkup and I admitted myself into a ward for 10 days. On top of that, my father sent threat mails to my boyfriend, causing him disruption in his life. My boyfriend and the Turkish police grew so irate, they threatened to arrest my father, but I have been able to put the situation under control behind the scenes. The case is going to be closed.

During those 10 days, I read Psalms and out of nowhere, felt God's presence and as if he was talking to me, I resolved to end my suffering. I asked for reconciliation before my hospital discharge and my parents were immediately agreeable. Things at home are quite peaceful now, though it is very hard at times to tolerate my fathers' misgivings. He has a hardcore Type A personality. Basically, a nut case.

My boyfriend and I are still very much in love and we plan to go ahead with our relationship. My parents are learning to accept this and they have reluctantly told me to welcome him here. We will see about that. In late summer, I will taking a one-month summer vacation with my boyfriend and his family in Turkey. We will be BBQing at his summer house and travelling the country. We want to create a humongous photo album and video clips of our adventures. It is high time we build memories of time spent together. Our 2006 travel plans were postponed till 2007 because of my sickness and he was very understanding and patient. I cannot wait to see him.

Why do I love him so much? Because he has a fresh mind, a big heart and a rich soul. We share passions for history and travelling. He studied linguistics, did drama and script-writing and aspired to be a professional soccer player or actor. He gave up the latter so that he could join the workforce sooner. He loves the simple pleasures of life. An animal-lover. Hard-worker. Loves children. Adores soccer like nothing. Honest. Intense. Mysterious. Very handsome. Affectionate. Naughty. Gentlemanly. Mature. Intelligent. Kind. Patient. Faithful. Supportive. He may be a regular guy, but he is an immensely beautiful human being.

His faults: trying to quit smoking, distant sometimes (characteristic of scorpio), quick-tempered when stressed.

I love him. He may be the one.

Spiritual challenge

I learnt to love and trust God more than I ever did. He teaches me big things slowly and allows me ample time to assimilate, ruminate and rectify mistakes while improving myself. One of the biggest lessons was forgiveness. For what my parents have inflicted on me, I am angry at their outrageous behaviour but I am not angry at them. If I were the gal I used to be 2 years back, I would never forgive them. I would stand up and fight for myself, culminating in running away. I learnt--albeit the hard way--that forgiving someone is possible, no matter how incredibly hard it is.

What is true triumph? True Triumph is triumphing over them in it. (Colossians 2:15), meaning liberated from the shackles but untouched by the flames. This is the real triumph--triumphing over sickness in it, triumphing over death in dying, and triumphing over other adverse circumstances in them. Believe me, there is a power that can make us victors in the conflict.

There are heights we can reach where we can look back over the path we have come and sing our song of triumph on this side of heaven. We can cause others to regard us as rich, while we are poor and make many rich in our poverty. We are to triumph in it.

Christ's triumph was in His humiliation. And perhaps our triumph will also be revealed through what others see as humiliation.

Isn't there something captivating about the sight of a person burdened with many trials, yet who is as lighthearted as the sound of a bell? Isn't there something contagious and valiant in seeing others who are greated with temptation but are "more than conquerors? (Romans 8:37) Isn't it heartening to see a fellow traveler whose body is broken, yet who retains the splendor of unbroken patience?

To go through some fires will take great faith, for little faith will fail. We must win the victory in the furnacel;it is during such times of trouble that the faith shown by a person pivots success .

In retrospect, I have come a long way and the road ahead is one which end I cannot yet see. But I know what I have to do right now. I have to take care of me. Now, I have to learn to visualize these dreams and plans. Now, I have to focus on my April fast to get my body revved up for summer. Now, I have to concentrate on my Physiology finals so that I can obtain my coveted A. April will be the finale to the last 2 tumultuous years.

GO FOR IT ISABELLA!!!!!

 

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