Disturbance is very very depressed on Australia Day. To heck with the fast. Feel free to comment!

Date:   7/23/2007 2:41:50 PM ( 17 y ago)

Yep. I'm getting towards the end of the week, and nothing new has appeared. I feel calm and tummy's light, but altogether it seems weird I haven't been eating nearly for a whole week. It's all going nice and easy now, and I actually could imagine going on for longer if the conditions were right, just to see if a months's fast would make a difference. But maybe I've made a point already. I've had a fast, felt a bit better, maybe I just wasn't that toxic.

I feel more depressed today that I thought I would. It's Australia Day, which is traditionally spent with heaps of mates, having a barbie with a few drinks, listening to Triple J and just enjoying a nice summer afternoon. And here I am, ALONE in the house, no mates to go out with, not that I could eat or drink anyway. I'm listening to the radio on webcast, but that's actually making it worse. My boyfriend messaged me asking if I was having a nice Triple J Hottest 100 party, and I pretended to be ok with not having anywhere to go to. In reality I feel as unAustralian as an Icelander in her furs speaking Islenska in the middle of Queen Street Mall in +32 degrees. Especially when my visa and nationality plans are all but quaranteed to go forward with my decision to move to Cairns, I feel extremely isolated, lonely, traitorous and overwhelmed. For you guys, it could be like someone close to you announced they're going to move to Canada on your National Day, waving a Canadian flag and drinking Molson Dry. Oh god. I just feel like I'm in the wrong place at the wrong time, in the worst possible way. I know I'm taking this very seriously, but the Australian identity is ALL about having fun with mates at a barbie with a couple of Bundys, and I'm just not part of it now. How I just want to go back to bed and wake up tomorrow. The whole world's weight is on my shoulders. I'm so down I'm not even hungry, I've had one single bottle of juice today, and it's 1230 already.

It feels like all I've got out of this fast is my angry and sad feelings pouring out - all the things I've kept inside as, like any other, I reckon it's only polite not to be complaining all the time. I don't see what use it is to get it out now. I've made enough people unhappy with it already.

I'm going to go to my room now, lock the door, close the curtains and try to get some sleep.

 

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