Some new revelations have inspired me to try something new...

Date:   12/25/2006 6:57:15 PM ( 18 y ago)

This Christmas bingeing has made me feel like a failure, but I've recovered a bit and gotten my 'mojo' back, so to speak. Calling myself a 'failure' is just an overreaction to a perceived 5 pounds I gained back post-fast - and my cynicism prevents me from considering that I lost 18 pounds overall. I should learn to look on the bright side of things. I'm still ahead, and I'm going to win.

I have a theory as to why I feel like I crashed and burned. I put so much effort into the fast and didn't reach my goal weight, or at least close to it. I finished the last fast feeling 'fat' and don't think I had enough self-respect to take care of myself afterwards.

I'm not saying I should have continued the fast indefinetly but I should have modified it somehow in order to continue the weight loss.

So it's back to fasting, but with a difference. I'm aware that going back to the style of fast I just completed would probably be repeating this vicious cycle. I want to lose more weight and I want it to come off fast, but not at the expense of withdrawing myself from social situations, causing insanity. I just can't stop eating all together. In my recent hysteria I was considering starting another long-term fast immediately, but then remembered a few important 'family events' that are always centered around food.

[As a side note - Why is it that it always has to be this way? Food, food, food, always bloody food. Food is so f**king evil, it's the main source of our ills, people don't f**king realise it.]

Ok enough ranting, back to the plan. I think when we suffer from excess weight, we should just eat enough to replenish our vitamin and mineral stores. I wonder what the results would be of having just one meal every few days and doing this indefinitely until all our excess fat drops off. It wouldn't be like an extended fast - that is so hard psychologically sometimes. That one meal should be veg with some protein. Maybe I'm on to something here.

Rather than do an extended fast, I should put that off and eat every few days instead. That makes more sense. My gut feels so overloaded right now, I probably have enough backup to go a few days as is. I'm not eating tommorrow, it's settled. I won't eat the next day either - I probably have enough food sitting in my bowels to go a few days. When I get that 'crazy' feeling I'll have a meal. I want that 'true' sensation of hunger. That's when food tastes really good. And when I eat it's going to be roughage - green leafy veggies to get the bowels moving and all the bad stuff OUT.

I'm thinking this idea is superior to the longterm fast. Certain periods during my 20 day fast made me feel weak - I'd coast nicely for 2-3 days, then have a really bad one, where I'd crave everything in sight. I should have eaten something on that day. I shouldn't allow my digestive system to just shut down, things should keep moving, that way I can keep my metabolism active and push wastes out more efficiently. The types of food are crucial here: fresh veggies, eggs and fish. I already have that stuff stocked in my fridge and will give away the rice to Grandma cause my bod just doesn't do well on carbos.

And any intermittent meal I do eat will be at nightime, like a true warrior. And if I go back to eating daily I plan on following this regimin. It's the BEST diet out there.

So that's the plan. Shorter fasts of 2-3 days, with a long-term focus. I've never tried anything like this before, so I'm willing to give it a shot. Maybe when I reach my goal of 125 pounds, I'll do a long-term fast to really clean things out.

Thank goodness for this blog, it's keeping me focused and sane. By reading and evaluating my past actions I'm able to keep track of my mistakes and keep my goals in focus.

I hope at some time when I'm re-reading this message it's a couple months down the road, when I've reached success and can look back on this day, when I turned a miserable state of mind around by analysing my true thoughts. I've never kept a journal/blog before, so perhaps this has been the missing link.

 

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