Questions I hope I find answers to at the end of this journey: Who I want to be? vs What I want to have? What is this lesson in my life? What am I missing?

Date:   10/3/2006 9:58:11 PM ( 18 y ago)

"A lot of women are getting sucked into this illusion of the [celebrity] lifestyle," says Oprah. "But I'm telling you, nothing is what it seems to be." Hollywood image everyone is buying into isn't what it seems. "It's all about creating this whole world, this magical fairy-tale land to create this great illusion," says Bloch. "It's the 'Kodak moment' when you're on the red carpet. … It's the hype. It's the publicity. It's the glamour."

I confess I have been living a lie for a good number of years in my adolescence, because of paradox of presenting a flawless image and a desire to to feel special. Quite amazingly, I embody all the characteristics that fit the profile of a professional: academic success, socially adept, multi-talented, artistically-inclined, unqiue and witty--the good girl. What more could one want? I am still searching the reason for my nagging emptiness, but I believe, for now, that I was worried to hurt others if I broke out of the conventional formula of success and do something crazy for myself every once in a while. Perhaps it began from this needy feeling that precipitated from a lousy growing up environment that I began to resort to measures to mask my pain and needs , killing myself softly."When people make the assumptions on my life, they see what appears to be a happy life. I think when you portray the happiness for so long, you forget that you're living a lie."


"We wonder why we're miserable, why things aren't working out, because you cannot create joy—you cannot create internal security—based on the foundation of a lie." It has to end, because it is exhausting and cruel to everyone, espcially myself. Yes, I want to feel special, but nobody or no thing can truly gratify me enough. Yes, I am lucky to be where I am, but obviously some sorely missing things in my life need addressing and attention. It is not just important, it is critical to my life.

People try to create the perfect picture or "Kodak moments," but it's what happens before and after the camera clicks that really counts. I want the real thing, me, myself and my life. Don't wanna waste anymore energy and time living a lie, creating an illusion and believing the fantasy. Be real. Be crazy. Be healthy. Be happy. I have to show up in my life, not put on a costume and play actress.

"It's about learning the lesson, asking yourself, 'What is this lesson in my life? What am I missing?'

 

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