What brought me to the decision to have a baby

Date:   9/5/2006 7:40:29 PM ( 18 y ago)

I have decided to have a baby.

Not in just the ephemeral way that all women decide the motherhood is in their future somehow. But clearly stating that a child will be forthcoming in the near future. I had a distinct, sure feeling this morning and every time I think on this decision that I haven’t had in a long time that let’s me know this is the correct decision. A strong internal indictment that this is something that should and will be done. OK, now what? Do I go on a sperm hunt? Since I’m not married, do I launch a gold-digging search for my Baby’s Fauva (I’m from Jersey)? What?

My child spoke to me once before. It’s like she was giving me a once over. I guess she has finally deemed me worthy. I’m nearly giddy.

Now here are the pseudo-problems… How do I reconcile this with the external?

(A) I’m a Christian. I know a baby is not a sin, but the fornicating might be. I’ve fornicated before without the slightest feeling of guilt. I’ve done a bit of the freaky on Sundays and before in an old church, during a Sunday School Convention. Teeheehee. Actually the Bible makes no clear mention of fornicating (sex without marriage). It alludes to sexua| immorality, but leaves you alone to draw your own conclusions. That’s the strange part. It is clear about many things. I have often asked myself, “Do people actually have to be told to not have sex with their relatives?” But fornicating is vague. All the mention of sinful fornication is found on in the New Testament. I have issues with the NT. But that’s another blog entry. For two, consensual, unmarried, unrelated, opposite-sexed individuals it does not say explicitly “Don’t have sex unless you’re married”. The catholic schools I’ve attended stated that a sin is anything that goes against your conscience. My decision doesn’t bother me. I bet the people who insist that I read the Bible are mad now.

(B) What will my family say? My family has a talent for laying into everyone’s business. I for the most part have learned to stay out of their sticky clutches. I already find them crazy and off balance (Lord, please don’t let that trait be passed on to my child!). I’m not interested in anything they might think or say about my decision. I just don’t want to hear it. I’m a 35 y.o. widow who pays her own way and takes care of her own business without asking for any money, and without being offered any either. I just don’t want to have to leave my child with someone while I spend time in jail for killing or stabbing a family member who has decided to call my child a bastard or a bad decision. You know?

I have made a personal decision to not stalk the sperm donor for any money (unless we are married then the following comments are germane as is this whole posting). I mean, he would be welcome to participate in the child’s life, but that can only come through financial support and co-parenting. It’s not like I’m planning to lease out the child, but if I have to pay, he has to pay. Dr’s visits cost money. Furniture and clothes cost money. Food cost money. The hospital stay for the C-section (I already know this) cost money. Private school cost money. Are you getting my point? These things cost money; therefore, you get nothing unless you prime the pump. NaImean? (Again, Jersey) Why is all the responsibility for day to day stuff a mother’s job alone? Anywho….

Wish me luck! I’m excited!!!!!!


 

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