For everyone looking for their soulmate, looking to find their true love, and also for those already married. Long but easy to read.

Date:   7/30/2006 9:48:05 PM ( 18 y ago)

http://www.warmwisdompress.com/dating/gtr/green1.aspx
From Rabbi Green's presentation

The issues here are actually pretty simple and they’re fundamental. If you turn on the radio and you listen, you’ll always find the same subject again and again. 99.9% of all the songs in the whole world are about one thing. They’re about love. And the reason is because every single creature in the world is looking for it. It’s a feeling. You can run away, you can try and escape, you can use other language. But those are the facts. When was the last time you heard a song about a duck on the radio, or about a horse? Once in a while, a little comedy song etc. But every single thing in the world is seeking that. That’s fundamental quality in a human being. Human beings don’t like to be alone, Human beings like to share. Human beings like to love and be loved.

So the first question that people want to know is, are they’re ready to get married? The question really is silly. If you’re a mature human being, you’re ready to get married in terms of your needs. Are you prepared to get married? That’s a different story. And our society doesn’t necessarily prepare us for marriage these days, and that’s because it’s just gotten weird, that’s all. Most of the heroes in today’s society are single. They have no responsibilities, and they get places without having earned them. That’s the wishful thinking. But you know, it doesn’t really satisfy.

But if you’re a grown human being, you should be ready to get married. The reasons why people aren’t ready to get married are the following.

If you ever take a look and see what things have been the most wonderful things in your life and what things are the worst, you’ll find that the worst things in your life are being selfish. And the most wonderful things in your life are being kind and generous and unselfish. Everybody knows that. The loftier you are the better you feel. Everybody feels that way. When you’re busy taking care of yourself all the time, you get sick of yourself and you hate yourself. When I look around my house I get sick all the time because I have whole drawers full of things just for myself. I have drawers full of things to put on my face, in my mouth, on my body. I’ve got paste and lotion and I’ve got clothes and shirts, and all these things. More things about me, me, me, me… The more I look, I feel like I'm going to puke and say I want get the heck out of there. It’s not really that interesting. Americans are particularly full of themselves. I’m one so I can say it. I’m no friend of Europeans either, but Europeans like to make fun of Americans. One famous European writer said, Americans believe that if they just dig deep enough they’ll probably find something interesting about themselves. Americans are quite self-focused. But you’ll see that the more that you’re focused on yourself, the less satisfied that you are. And you’ll find that the more you’re focused outwards, the more satisfied that you are.

And when a person wants to get married, ironically… and this you’ll see the reason why people are so dissatisfied, why people have such difficulty in starting a relationship, or making a relationship, or maintaining a relationship, because they’re so intent upon getting something for themselves.

You know the expression: “the honeymoon is over”? Isn’t that amazing? When you see a repeating pattern it tells you something. What’s this? The honeymoon is over? What can that be? Why would it be that again and again people say they are in love and then it will disappear. What is this? Well, you know, you get used to it. What is that human nature? What is going on with that exactly -- again and again the same thing. I mentioned the other night, and it’s really true, I grew up in the era of sitcoms, and many of them were marital sitcoms, and I hate them. [Imitation of a sitcom – a man speaking about his wife in a degrading manner.] They’re not funny, not one drop. Do you realize that? They’re not funny at all. They’re sick. They’re painful. They’re about as funny as the Three Stooges beating each other up. It's the same sadism. Isn’t that horrible? It’s amazing.

What is all that? If you take a look and you’ll see that… the reason why the honeymoon is over, you’ll see a pattern why that happens, because what happens is that when a man and woman for some reason want to attract each other, what they start to do subconsciously, they don’t realize it, is that they start to be nice. They start to do something and show a good side and care for another person. And what they don’t realize is, that what felt so good about the courting time was not that they were receiving something from someone else. You’re going to flip. You know what’s so great about the courting time? They were giving something to someone else because they were busy trying to be beautiful, they were busy trying to be really nice. I hope I’m communicating. So they’re confused. They think that what happened during the courting time of their honeymoon was, they were getting something really good and then it disappeared. "The honeymoon is over." And the flip out is it’s exactly the opposite. What happened was, for once in their life they were a little bit unselfish. They felt great because they were doing something actually nice for somebody else. Isn’t that a freak out? And then they forget what it is. Then the honeymoon is over. They keep pushing the button — how come nobody’s giving me anything? You’re making a mistake. That wasn’t why you felt good. You felt good because you were giving something to somebody else. There you were, you know, courteous, sending gifts, open the door. Whatever their story was. Now it’s exactly the opposite. And that’s why all these poor wretches get miserable after a little while. All they had to do was keep it going. They just had to keep on doing exactly what they were doing before.

So here’s the story. If you want to get married and you want to know what to look for, the real truth is… I said I’ve been married most of my life. So what I’m speaking is not really theory, it’s also experience. Some person went to college, and got a degree in psychology or sociology, something to do with child rearing. So the guy puts out this book – "the six rules of child raising". You know, the guy never had a kid. A little later he gets married, he has a kid, and now he says – "the six theories of child raising", then "the guidelines of child raising". Then he says – "six possible ideas about child raising". You have to be in the field.

I’ve been in the field. I’ve been married almost all my life. And I can tell you this, that all the greatness and all the satisfaction of marriage is only about one thing. And that’s what you have to know when you want to know what to do and what to look for. That’s about being nice to someone else. And the greatest thing about marriage is being kind to another person and then that other decent person will be kind to you.

I’m going to explain you the theory and then it will all hold together. Like I mentioned before, you’ll see that whenever you’re embarrassed, whenever you feel bad or down or low, it’s because you confront your own shortcomings. No one wants to feel imperfect. When you feel you’re not pretty enough, you’re not handsome enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not strong enough, you’re not rich enough, you’re not fast enough. That was the story. That’s when people feel bad and they need. Whenever we feel needy we feel bad. And whenever we feel not needy, when we feel that we possess things, that we have what to give out to others, that’s when we feel good. That’s when everybody feels great. You always feel wonderful in that situation. And you know what’s the nicest thing in the world that you can do? The worst thing in the world is when a person has to feel selfish. The most wonderful is when a person feels the opposite of selfish: generous and giving. You know what the nicest thing in the world you can do for somebody else is? You’re going to freak. What you can do is, you can save a person from being selfish. If you can give somebody what they need before they have to take it, you’re a real hero. And believe me, a person will love you more than anything in the world if you do that. I’m telling you the deepest secret. We should make a Dale Carnegie course on this because I’m telling you this is what does it. You preempt people from being selfish. How do you do that? By answering their needs before they have to take them, and then you’re going to be a hero for anybody. That’s anybody. Man, woman, dog, anything. Anything you do in the world. I’m telling you. Anybody whose needs you take care of before they have to take them is going to love you to pieces. And therefore… that’s why I say the nicest thing a person can do for anybody is to preempt them, and to be kind to them and to give them their needs before they have to be selfish and take them.

Now what do a husband and wife do for each other ideally if they can? What they do is, they get in there and they do that role. They save each other from being selfish by preempting and being kind to each other before the other one has to take anything. Good friends do the same thing, by the way. By husband and wife that’s the pinnacle. That’s the greatest thing of all. What do you think marriage is about? I meet, people, they make me laugh. They want to discuss relationship philosophy. I guarantee you that the fundamental quality of marriage is only one thing. It’s just taking care of another person. It comes down to the garbage and diapers and shopping and somebody saying — just get me a cup of tea. You know, when you have a lousy day… I hope you never have any… but you know, one of those days. You know sometimes when one of those days feels like it’s been two of those days? You come home and you’re like — Oh my goodness. I don’t know how I can go forward. The one you love says — How was it today? And you say — I’m not talking about it. And they say — "hey, look, it’s okay." And it really is okay. That’s worth everything. That’s what it’s all about. That’s the whole story.

So the finest thing that a person could have in life, in a marriage, is to have a partner who will save them from being selfish; a partner who will do for them before they have to do for themselves. And the nicest thing you can do for someone else is the same. So I think about what I would do… and that’s bliss by the way. That’s a marriage. It never stops being beautiful. You’re insane for the person you love. You’d kill for them, there’s no question about it. Because the person gives you everything. I’m telling you, you can see it. Watch couples. I do. You can see it in the eyes whether it’s there or not. When it’s there, o my goodness gracious. I wouldn’t fight them with a Howitzer. When I see couples like that, if I had an army I wouldn’t go up against them. I’m afraid of the couples like that. I’m telling you why. Because it’s like blood.

It’s not like those people who degrade their spouse — "My Bessie. My wife…" Forget that stuff. That’s sick, That’s not happiness.

The person with true love would kill for his wife. He'd take a butter knife to do it if he had to. He would do anything for a person like that. Because that’s somebody who’s giving you the most precious thing in life.

So now when you want to think about a partner, and this is a story. I go round the world, I meet people all the time. That’s my business. I feel bad when people are stuck. And I see people give up the love of their life again and again. I’ve seen it so many times. They give up the love of their life. I’ve seen guys and girls give up the person who would have given them the most sweetest and most beautiful life, because that person didn’t look, or sound, or act like… and this is the worst part… forget about that they didn’t look, or sound, or act like what this person thought would be good. A lot of the time it’s that the person didn’t look, or sound, or act like what this person thought the people that they wanted to please thought would be good for them. That happens a lot. I’ve seen that like a billion times. I’ve seen it in the guys’ eyes, I’ve seen it in the girls’ eyes. I’ve seen them meeting… but they said goodbye to the love of their life. I see it all the time. I try not to cry on the spot, but I see consistently, they say goodbye to the love of their life. And why is that? Because they said goodbye to the person that was going to hold their hand when they were down, the person who would be there for them, the person who would just be nice to them. And that’s what it’s all about. When we want to think about our partner… and this is what I’d do… I mean, thank God I’m married, but this is what I’d do. I look at a person that I want to marry. I’m looking to see one thing. You’re going to flip. What do most people do? Well, they’re going to say — What is this person going to provide for me? No. What I would do is this — When I look at a person to see if I want to marry them, I would look and say — Is this a person I want to be nice to? Is this a person I get the feeling: Wow, when I see this person I just want to get them things, I just want to do something for this person. That is what you’re looking for. If you see a person and you just want to go and get them something, you want to go bring them something, you want to make them smile. All you want to do is please that person. That is the person that you’re getting close… you’re getting close. I’ll tell you how to know if you want to get married, but that is basically what you’re looking for. You’re looking for a person, where you can’t hold yourself back. Did you ever see a little baby and you want to hug them? Do you know what I’m talking about? It’s like a physical… you have a physical desire… it’s like eating. If you also get a physical desire to do something nice for this person, that is a very strong potential candidate for getting married. That is what you’re looking for. I really want to be nice to this person. That’s the person that you’re looking for and don’t look at the outside… they might be fat, skinny, they might be dumb. What do you think you’re marrying? You think you’re marrying a computer?

Let me tell you a story. Listen to this. You’re going to freak. One of my favorite stories in the world is a story by John Steinbeck. I read all his books when I was a kid. I think this one’s Sweet Thursday but if it’s not it’s one of the ones on the same thing. A lot of his books take place up in Salinas and Monterey. The hero in all these books is a guy named Doc. He’s a marine biologist. Everybody loves him. He’s a kind person. The people of town are all real characters. And one guy in the town he’s basically a dimwit. He’s a dimwit and he loves Doc more than anybody. He’s crazy about him. At one point Doc’s got a problem and nobody really knows what it is. I mean if anybody that reads and knows people, then he knows that Doc’s down, he’s depressed and he can’t figure it out, but this dimwit is going around and asking the smart people. What to do? And this one’s blabbing off. You do this… You do that… This guy is not too bright but he loves Doc and he finishes the interviews of all the smart people in town. He’s so dumb he sits down under a tree to try and collate all the material, and the effort of just analyzing what he said was so great, what all the people said, he actually faints.


He sits under the tree and then he faints. And then he gets up after he makes his decision. And he gets a baseball bat and he goes to where Doc is sleeping. And he breaks his arm with a baseball bat because he figures out that Doc is lonely. Doc needs to be married. Doc is about to go on a trip to gather specimens and the girl that he’s supposed to marry is going to leave if Doc leaves on the trip without her. So after he breaks Doc's arm, Doc can’t go himself and she has to go along with him. And she does. Now, who was the smartest person in town? Him or the other people? He was the smartest person. There’s no question about that. And there’s no question that goodness and kindness is the smartest thing that anybody can do.

What do you care if somebody has got a big brain? Loads of the worst people you know have big brains. Most of the worst people you know have big brains. Stupid bad people can’t do too much damage. It’s rare. Most of the bad people you know are smart. They are the ones that come to your mind, because they manage to be successful at it. What good are brains? They’re as good as what you make of them. The best thing in any person is their kindness, their morality, their sweetness.

What do you want? Somebody you can show off? Or, do you want somebody who is going to make you feel like a million dollars. I know what I want. I want to feel like 10 million. I want to feel like a billion or a trillion.

So how do you get there? So I’m telling you, the paradox is that normally you try and look, well what’s a person going to give me? But I’m telling you, that’s not the answer. The answer is — What am I going to give this person? Because I guarantee you, if you’re dedicated to making another person happy, they’re going to make you happy. You know what my wife says? My wife talks to all these guys who want to get married and do you know what she tells them? She says — You know, if you make your wife happy, she’s going to make you very happy. And that’s the truth. Everybody is like that. Everybody wants to see that if you do those things then you make it.

What do you do on a date? I’ll tell you what you do. Have a really good time. Just forget about everything. Have a good time. Come on, just discover somebody. Either they’re for you or they’re not. The worst thing that’s going to happen is that you’re going to discover another human being. Just enjoy yourself and see what’s cooking. You’ll know. You’ll feel that urge, like, get something for this person, something’s happening. When I met my wife we became very good friends very quickly. We just watched other people all the time, trying to decide if they were going to get married. We used to say — Oh no. You dummy, you’re sitting there 30 minutes. Buy her a drink. What are you doing? You’re never going to make it. You could tell by the body language. We used to watch everybody and we used to give them blessings.

So when you date, what you want to do is you want to have a good time. You want to see if you like hanging around this person. You don’t have to do much. When I want to see if couples are good, I see if they can do nothing together. That’s the most important thing of all. Doing nothing. Just hanging out doing nothing. If you like doing nothing with a person, that’s a good person to marry. Because you just like being with each other if you know what I mean. You don’t need a lot of props. You don’t need a lot of things from outside. You just feel good being around each other. And I’m telling you why. You’ll always feel good about a person who’s kind to you, but you’ll feel best about a person that you’re kind to. So if you feel like being around the person, that’s what you do. Date, have a good time just doing things. What’s the difference? Go any place that you like but enjoy yourself and see if it’s good. That’s all. Check out. See what a human being he is, let him know who you are. You’ll know for better for worse. You have nothing to lose.

What do you do for a successful marriage? You make it holy. That’s what everybody knows. You sanctify it. You make a person special. What’s sanctity? What’s holiness? It’s when you separate something from a mass. Everything in the world looks the same. Americans think Chinese and Japanese look all the same, but I’ll tell you a secret — you know Japanese and Chinese? They think Americans look all the same. Because when another person is different from you, you don’t pay attention, because things aren’t holy and you can’t separate them from the mass. When you’re an expert in something, you recognize what it is. I hope I’m communicating. Pearl Buck… you know Pearl Buck? She writes when she first went to China… you know how when people from the Orient come to America, the American kids make fun. They make their eyes slanty. She went to China and all the kids were making fun of her. They were making their eyes straight. You see nothing in the world is really the same but when you don’t pay attention and when you’re dead to life, when you don’t grasp it… there’s no human being in the world that’s not precious.

This is a true story. Listen to this. A bunch of years ago I had to record a song. You know, I love music and I love to record music. And it was a ballad we were going to record. A recording studio costs a lot of money so we try to rehearse. So I went with a couple of my buddies during lunch time, we were busy. We went during lunchtime to rehearse this ballad. It was my ballad. We didn’t have a lot of time. So we got together, everybody’s there, drums, bass, guitars, amplifiers, lots of noise. About four bars into this sweet ballad, the drummer lost his mind and he started playing the craziest jazz rhythm that had nothing to do with the song. We were playing like that and he goes vroom ta ta, vroom ta ta. It was so insane it was funny. It was actually funny. We all started laughing. It was really funny like a musical joke. You know, we all laughed, it was good, it loosened us up and you need that when you’re playing. You know, crank it up again, a one and a two, four bars in, the guy looses his mind. Vroom ta ta, vroom ta ta. Hey mate, I’m sure that’s funny. It wasn’t as funny as the first time but it’s certainly… cool it, we don’t have much time. He said — okay, okay. We started up again, four bars in — vroom ta ta. People were getting a little fed up. In fact they got so fed up they looked at the guy and said — hey man, you’re in a weird mood. We’re going to go to lunch. We’ll be back later. Maybe you’ll be feeling better. And everybody laughed. I was just sitting there with the guy by myself. I didn’t know what to do. What am I going to do with the guy? All of sudden everybody goes, he looks up at me quietly and he says — Hey, play it again. I couldn’t follow what he was doing. I said, okay. I started to play. Four bars in he does the same thing but maybe because nobody else was there I kept going. And all of a sudden I realized this guy was coming out of another dimension. I mean, he really was. And it was so beautiful I was transported. And I went through the whole thing. I couldn’t believe what had just happened. And he just looked up quietly and he said — play it again. I said, okay, and I did. I played it again and when I’d finished I was really in another world, it was so beautiful. And I looked at this guy and saw there is a person that I sat next to every single day, 9-5 every single day. When I sat next to him, I mean literally next to him. I looked up at this guy and his face was shining. There was a glow. He was shining. And all of a sudden I said to myself — my goodness, I never saw this person before. But that’s nothing, because after that, I realized that I’d never seen another person in my life before that moment. That was the first time I ever really saw another human being. And it’s never been the same since then.

Now what does it mean when you sacrifice something? It means that you take it out of the mass of things that you don’t pay attention to and you see it for what it is. And I guarantee you that not only is there no person in the world, there’s no thing in this universe, that if you pay attention to it, will not become exquisitely beautiful to you. I’m talking about handles and buttons, will become beautiful to you. And all the more so human beings. So what you do in marriage is to sanctify it. You sanctify another human being by making them special. Why is marital fidelity so important? You know why? Because if you know anything about love, there’s nothing else. Most people in the world, they say it but they wouldn’t know love if it hit them on the elbow. And that’s the truth.

Do you know what love’s about? Have you ever been in love? You call up somebody and say — Hey, how are you doing? I’m doing good. You called the one you love. You say — What are you doing? Oh, I’m doing my work. You’re doing your work! Wait a minute, you mean you can think about somebody besides me? Wait a minute. You can actually think about something else besides me.

No. No, I’ll tell you the truth. I can’t. I’m doing a really lousy job. Every two minutes I stop. You're all I can think of. I’m so happy you called. Now that you called, maybe I can get back to work a little bit. That’s what love’s about. There’s nothing else happening.

And that’s what happens, I guarantee you. You think I’m just talking out of the top of my head? I’m not. What people dream of, that’s what it’s about. But people are too lazy and too selfish to get it. They stop themselves. That’s the truth. It’s not the other person, it’s never the other person. People don’t get along because they don’t want to give it. That’s the truth. When you’re there, there’s nothing else happening.

So what do you do in marriage? You pull the person out and you realize how unique they are. You recognize every little nuance. The way they walk, the way they talk, the way they move their eyes, their sense of humor. And you make it holy and you make it beautiful and there’s nothing like it. You know why fidelity is so important? Because if you don’t dedicate yourself heart and soul to another person, you will never see what’s truly beautiful about them. And you’ll never rise to the occasion of giving everything you have to the other person. That’s what it’s all about. I guarantee you. That’s what’s happening.

Do you know why marriages fail today? Because people are lazy. They’ve got no energy to put into it. It’s terrible to say. You don’t want to hear me say that stuff do you? But that’s the truth. You know why we have an epidemic of people being single and divorced and people not married, because people are lazy and selfish. I know, I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to say it, but that’s the truth. That’s all that’s happening. There’s nothing else happening. People don’t want to deal with it. They just want someone to sit there all day and push their button. They’re stupid. Do you know why? Because you’ll never enjoy yourself. There’s no fun. Take a look. I visit single people. They’ve got everything in the house that married people should have. They’ve got the toaster, they’ve got the drier, they’ve got the oven, they’ve got the skates, they’ve got the bicycle, they’ve got everything but the person they love. Dummy.

When you get married and you sleep on the floor and you’re happy. When I first got married we didn’t have anything. Nothing. We had mattresses on the floor. That was the couch, forget about the bed. One day we bought a table. We went out and told our family. We said — Hey, we bought a table. They said — Really? Did you buy the whole thing? One turned to the other. It’s true. They thought we couldn’t hear. And do you know what they said? They said — You know, they’re so in love, they don’t even know that they’re miserable. We weren’t miserable at all. And that’s what it’s really about. I’m telling you the truth. It’s really true.

"I don’t care 'bout the money, Money can't buy me love."

That’s right. It doesn’t. Do you know what buys love? Love buys love. You can have it for free. It is true. The best things in life are free and money will not buy you love, but love will definitely buy you love if you’re a lover. But most people aren’t there. People watch things all day and then don’t do it. Everybody does. People are wimps. You know, forget people who go to the movies, what do they want to see? They want to see swashbuckling heroes. "Let’s go save her, lets do and go and do…" and then they go back to this stupid office. They’re just waiting for something to happen because they’re miserable all their lives. That’s what’s happening. People aren’t there. The second you get out there and do something, that’s what everybody wishes for. That’s what everybody hopes for. Take a look. Did you ever see the difference between a hero and a wimp? Heroes do things. You ever saw when the ship gets hit with a torpedo — and someone panics and says, "Oh my God, what are we going to do…" Then the real person just jumps up and takes control, "Let’s get this boat. Come on everybody. Give me that plank. Get on this plank. Etc.." And he saves the day.

Those are the greatest moments of your life when you’re doing. You get out there and you do something. That’s what it’s all about. You get up and you give all that you’ve got and you’ll be the happiest person in the world. Then you don’t need the toaster. You don’t need anything. That’s real, believe me. When you meet the couple and you see in their eyes, and I’ll tell you, don’t start a fight with those people. Don’t say anything. Don’t look sideways at them or they’ll kill you. And not the one you insulted. The other one will kill you. That’s what it’s about. And I assure you that what I’m saying is backed up by experience, and it’s backed up by statistics. Try it. If you’re married already, try it. If you’re not married, try it. You know what’s really the worst thing? I believe in soul mates. And I believe people find them. I’m going to say something you’re going to consider modern heresy. For most people, there’s a couple hundred people they can marry, within a few mile radius. Most people have got a couple hundred people they could marry within a few mile radius. That’s really the truth. We know on a deeper soul level it doesn’t work out exactly that way. But practically all you need is somebody to be nice to and you’ll have the greatest thing in the world.

To summarize
Are you ready to get married? If you’re a grown man or woman, you’re ready to get married. You’re wasting your life until you do.

What do you look for? Look for somebody you want to be nice to.

What do you do on a date? Have a really good time. See if you like hanging out with the person.

What’s a successful marriage about? About getting yourself to love a human being. About getting yourself defining what’s special about another human being and cherishing that special ness. That’s called holiness. That’s sanctity. That’s fidelity. After that just keep it up.

And I’ll tell you one more thing for a successful marriage which is really important. And this is easy to say and hard to do and is worth a million bucks. Make a date with your husband or wife every single week and don’t cancel it for any thing in the world. Make a date with your husband or wife every single week and don’t cancel it for any thing in the world. You’ll be very happy.

Thank you very much for listening to me. I hope everyone should find somebody that they can love with all their heart and soul.

 

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