vent and release time!

Date:   12/15/2006 9:44:42 AM ( 18 y ago)

I am convinced that television is poisonous to the female self image. I am disturbed at how television can affect me. Hence I'm going on a television fast. Lately I've been been feeling not too good about myself, even criticising myself and the way I look. I've been stepping on the scale too much too. Maybe it's because the Influencer of the Negative has inserted into my brain that I have a uterine fibroid and now I have a nagging thought that I might have something wrong with me. My husband's mother died from colon cancer and part of me thinks the worst and doesn't even want to discuss my occasional spotting and now the 'thing' hanging out me bumhole. He's paranoid about me dying so I don't want to scare him. He knows about the thing on me bumhole just because I was saying in casual conversation that I didn't workout one week and rolled a patient the wrong way and probably got it that way. Realistically, I might have a fibroid because my mother had them and had to have them removed in an emergency operation. She just thought she was getting fat and the doctors pulled out a huge fibroid that they thought was UTERINE CANCER if you can believe it. Can you imagine the feelings when a doctor tells you that your mom might have uterine cancer that is aggressive and then find out it's a fibroid? Anyway, I do not think it's anything more than a fibroid. At least that's what I'm telling myself and my spirit, Higher Self, agrees with that diagnosis.

I am also tired of beating myself about my ex-internet 'whatever he was'. I don't want to honor him by even calling him a boyfriend. Except that his calling card was an incidence of HPV and so that's where my television fast comes in. I hate those insipid ONE LESS commercials for Gardisil. Do I think it's a good idea? Part of me says YES because men are the carriers. I bought this on myself by hating myself and being desperate for a man to say I love you and think I'm pretty. When I was a virgin, I didn't have to worry about this crap. So every time I see this commercial, it makes me mentally ill over how a man lied and deceived me and gave me a STD. Sometimes I can go long stretches without even thinking about it till now with these commercials. Television will make you imagine that you are sick and I'm proof.

Whenever I begin to feel empowered about myself, negative attacks happen. Why would I bring these problems on myself? Why is it when I'm happy, I can't be happy for long? I'm off to read a book and be happy. No television today.

 

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