How I would love to jump out of bed and walk, that is my dream, my vision and greatest desire for now, simply walking upright and unaided.

Date:   4/23/2006 4:07:29 PM ( 18 y ago)

Today has been a sad day. A young friend was found murdered in her bed this morning, her throat slashed. I have been in shock since hearing the news. I had not seen much of her lately, mostly just to say hello and go our separate way. The last time we spent any time together was at the funeral of a mutual friend who died last summer. When I first heard of B...."s death, my first thought was why couldn't it have been me? She was so young with her whole life just beginning, sometimes I feel like my life is pretty much over. Its so hard to find hope, joy, or any other good thing when you're in constant pain. I try to tell myself there is a reason for everything, but all I see is total illogic and injustice.

The pain wasn't too bad this morning as long as I stayed quiet and did not try to move. However, I had to wash some clothes, everything I own seems to be dirty. I managed one mixed load that will hopefully get me through the week. In addition I am preparing some more distilled water, filled the puppies' food bowls and inside water. Its such a pitifully small amount of effort, yet, I feel like I've worked all day. The pain is getting worse as the day goes on.

Thankfully, I can stand up and walk with support today. I may be bent in half, but at least I can move. I've been studying Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life". Her theories are fascinating, but its hard to be positive when the pain and weakness is so bad. Still, I am trying.

Tomorrow is another day of therapy, then back home to....whatever the day may bring. How I would love to jump out of bed and walk, that is my dream, my vision and greatest desire for now, simply walking upright and unaided.

Edit-A bit of good news. I know this may not seem like much, but it made my day. Twice, I was able to stand without support. It was only for a few seconds and I was hunched over, but I stood alone. A little later I walked about four feet standing upright, I used a cane on one side and held on to the bookcase on the other, but I was almost upright instead of bent in half. Such small things I know, but to me its a sign of hope. Tomorrow and Tuesday may be stormy, and that usually means increased pain. Now I have something to hold on to.



 

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