I hope that I can begin to experience longer periods between these episodes of pain, and finally become pain free. I feel more hopeful today than I have in several days.

Date:   4/16/2006 3:42:54 PM ( 18 y ago)

Yesterday was terrible, last night was not good except for a couple things that made me want to continue. When I finally was able to settle into bed, I did a meditation/visualization of me lying on a beautiful chaise in a darkened room. In the distance was a single candle which slowly flickered and died. From above a globe of white light started to grow and expand. As it grew it began to rain down pure white light energy on me. I allowed it to wash over my entire body, then saw it starting to fill me up. As I became filled with the white light pain was pushed out and washed away. I fell asleep during this meditation.

Three times last night I dreamed I was walking. The first time was so simple, I dreamed I was walking to the bathroom and was amazed I didn't need a cane. It was disappointing when I did get up and nothing had changed. In the second dream I once again walked to the bathroom, in the dream I remember asking myself if I was dreaming again or was it real. As I looked out the bathroom window I could see town down the hill, the little Walmart was across the street. I realized this was yet another dream, because I live so far out in the country that I cannot see another house from mine, and town and Walmart is over nine miles away. The third dream involved people and followed a story of sorts. All I really remember was asking people if this was a dream. Three times I dreamed I was walking, three times I was disappointed to find it was only a dream, but it made me realize how much I want to walk normally, no matter what.

I decided to begin fasting. I am starting with juice and some green drinks, but may try some water only days too. I don't have an absolute time frame, I hope to go at least a week, but will go with what works. I wanted to go raw, but I cannot digest raw food right now, I tried gently steamed, but was also having problems. Since I need to avoid foods that contribute to inflammation, I need to avoid grains, dairy and most meats. But that is what I can comfortably eat. A fast or liquid diet seemed a logical way to go. I just hope I can stick with it. I am so prone to emotional eating, and I admit to being stressed, depressed and overly emotional right now.

I did not go to church this morning, and feel bad about that; but I have to avoid the negativity I encounter there. I do not need to hear how bad I look, or that I seem to be getting worse, or get put down for trying to avoid surgery. The people, at least most of them, mean well, but I have been so deeply hurt at that church I wonder if I should continue there.

All in all its not been a bad day. The pain has not been too bad until about an hour ago. I washed my bedding and a few clothes, cleaned out the water distiller, and did a little (very little) cleaning. Its baby steps, but its steps. The low back pain is getting worse now, but it was good having a little respite earlier today. I hope that I can begin to experience longer periods between these episodes of pain, and finally become pain free. I feel more hopeful today than I have in several days. I have therapy tomorrow, I think I'll keep the fasting secret for now.

 

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