feb 13

Date:   2/14/2006 2:59:21 PM ( 18 y ago)

Today's a crappy day.

I don't know why but sometimes I just can't stick with it. Portion control has been going really well, but I had a crappy day at work from the moment I walked in to work.

Of course, that made me crave whatever - today being Valentine's day, I got myself a three musketeers bar.

Big salad for lunch, and a sliver of cheesecake.

And the fiance wants to make steak for dinner... but I have my colonic tomorrow! I know I'm supposed to clean out today, not eat badly. Well I'll try to keep it cool tonight. I was doing REALLY well for a few days, then today. And man can I feel it - I just ate too much and now I'm all bloaty. The good news - I hate feeling this way. I know it makes me feel miserable, and not feeling that way for a few days made me feel great.

Good news - I'm off to the gym tonight. I'm going to kick my own butt and really work hard, then go home and enjoy myself cleaning the house for our guests this weekend.

Oh yeah, having tons of friends from NYC up this weekend, and I really need a good stragegy.

1) One glass of wine is OK, after that, sparkling water only.
2) One serving of food. Period. We're going to make casserole and some yummy stuff. I'm thinking with so many people there I can just tuck out of the way when it comes to eating small portions at mealtimes.
3) exercise a bit every day.

I've skimped on the exercise for the last week and it doesn't feel good. One day of bad eating also feels not good. Man this is so hard. I felt for a few days like I could really feel my thin self trying to break through and get out. Today I feel nothing like that. I feel like I'm supposed to be this way, like I just naturally suck more than the next person.

I hope it gets better. At this rate I don't want to go near my dress. And I'm supposed to show my mom this weekend - my mom who's super thin and exercis-y and though she's got lots of other issues, is the main reason I have to lose weight - I don't want to be next to her in pictures looking fat. Fat like I know she thinks I am.

f***.

I'm going to stop writing cause this is getting nasty and destructive and I feel like crap.


 

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