The Early Years....

Date:   6/20/2005 1:25:24 PM ( 19 y ago)

When I look back, it seems to have began very early. Even before I could walk, or so I am told, I would defy my parents, do things repeatedly that I was told not to. My sister was such a sweet child I was told, I was a hellraiser, or that's how they saw it. My will was strong from a young age, no doubt, but there was something more. I didn't feel like the other kids at school, or think like them, my mind's attention was from a very young age, focused inwards.

I can remember sitting atop the slide on the playground in elementary school, watching all the other little boys chase girls around and into the bathroom, as was the running game of the day. I remember thinking to myself how much I liked this girl, or that girl, but never dared I partake in these games, it just wasn't in me.

I was an onlooker, an observer, a questioner of authority, a passive participant at best, always questioning my own participation in what seemed trivial and uneccesary at times. When I was young though, I had no choice, I went to school, I came home did my work, and ate the food I was given. I had not choice but to eat what I was fed, I was force fed what the media force feeds all of us, force fed what the grocery stores provide us. I was not a being with the freedom to choose.
But one might argue that landing in that situation was the sum of many choices made in a long stream of cause and effect. We will not venture into that for now, but just some food for thought.

Needless to say I got caught up. I began forming an idea of who I was, Ego. I formed defense mechanisms to react to the world around me so that I could maintain this sense of self. Layers pile up and on and my ego grew, always adding another defense mechanism to hide something, or cover something that wasn't good enough, strong enough, smart enough, pretty enough, tough enough, cool enough. I just had to keep adding. Pretty soon I had built a formidable I that had a degre of rigidity, it was solidifying, but that self, that awareness from my youth, the observer, it was still watching, listening, reflecting, it still questioned, it still hinted, it was still aware,conscious.

I could not go into detail about the silliness, the pain, the agony, the self-torment, the shame, the guilt, the feeling's of doubt, worthlessness, anxiety that was my childhood. Their was joy too, and love and happiness, freedom and bliss but it was the darker moments that made the ego grow. It was the fear, the doubt, the insecurity, the NEED, the lack, the illusion that was conditioned into me. By parents, by society, by schools, by Media. The creation of this IDEA of life as I was supposed to see it, like they wanted me to see it. This IDEA, this MENTAL PRISON, is where my life began...but the observer was watching, waiting, listening, reflecting, it knew, it was awake....

 

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