As much as We Love People/Family Members it doesn't always manifest peace, or harmony during visits. This One is my achilles heel- in fact, personal/possesive Love is my achilles heel

Date:   4/29/2005 1:36:06 AM ( 19 y ago)

And I gotta tell you as much as I love that Kid, she drains me and throws me off balance. I am so vulnerable and affected by her that I actually feel drained after 5-8 hours in her presence.

I have GOT to GET her interested in some mind calming practice. She is all over the place. I feel 1. that I need to take a bath in Epsom salts after I see her, and 2. that I need to be alone or nap after her visits.

I don't get it. I look so forward to her visits, I enjoy the time we spend together in one place -like at Pizza Nova over lunch- of course there is the cell phone call to Jen her buddy whose wedding she has shown up for.

And there is the 'maid of honor's (her!) bridesmaid's' dress that has spots on it and alcohol on it since it appears to have been packed with perfume or hairspray. And then there is the emergency trip to Fashion Valley to get a back up bridesmaid dress -that will be returned- IF the original dress can be cleaned and colored in time for the wedding on Saturday ($250.00 worth of maid of honor dress)

The dress was dropped off at Martinizing Cleaners on Shelter Island within a half hour of her landing. The fellow felt that if he washed it and then cleaned it -It should be in better shape than it was when we brought in. I bring her to the mall at 3pm and she looks for dresses-I hate to shop with her-It reminds me of a manic episode-and the energy is not my frequency-I do not like to shop AT ALL-
even for me. But she has no car and needs a ride-UGH!

Too Many Cars, Too Many People, Too much Mindless Consumption, - my energy is messed with. I have enough to deal with lately-I don't need trips to the Mall with unconscious nonsense.

Jen the bride to be, meets us at the mall to approve the "new" maid of honor's dress loses her keys. We find them at Nordy's customer service desk -UGH! then 3 hours later I leave my checkbook on a Nordstrom's coffee shop table (outside on the first floor in the mall) while looking for MY keys. No telling who has that baby now- although I feel that it is coming back to me in a safe way. I put a stop payment on the numbers or the check's affected. What a pain in the ass. UGH!

I must've left it on the table-then I can't find the car-which is not one of my normal M.O.'s-I'm pretty good with factual stuff and great with directions. The bride to be and the maid of honor's excited, manic, "do", "do", "do" emergency energy is catching up with me. I love both of them but they are a mess, unconscious, hyped up, and dress shopping. Enough said. UGH!

I am so sorry that I cannot calm her or get close enough to her to entrain with her as I did when she was a child. Now when she is "home" (San Diego) she is continually running around to complete plans that were made while she was still in San Francisco-which never quite jibe when here.

I am saddened by her kinetic mania, and her mindless planning and doing- not much "being" here. The dress freaked her out, and I admit that it was not a good thing. I told her I sensed that the cleaner will do a good enough job, and all she needs to do is wait. No Go. Back ups and many plans for tomorrow. Jimmy Hendricks "Manic depressive- a frustrated mess" Exit stage Left-UGH!

I miss the 'connection' with her, but if I am honest -this phenomena has been occurring for some time now-I feel it in my solar plexus, and my chest is tight. I wish I was stronger but I took my leave and wished them well- I am scheduled to be at SOM tomorrow- most of the day- so I will get a quickie treatment and I will step into love with power and intention. Breathe, Breathe, time to do some breath work- I am not helpless with my love of her. I might as well settle into acceptance and love her for who she is and "exhale the constriction out of myself"

Better Now, but I have enough on my plate- On Sunday I have church, quote from the movers, and packers, and over to the bride's house for a gathering with the brideand grooms family and close friends. Oh dear! I will not think into the future, I will take it one moment at a time. Ah, this feels better.

Wedding's are overrated, and divorce sucks. :-) Positive relationship outlook , eh? This is actually an improvement ver the past(I am laughing at myself now). I'm Ok, everything is perfect as it is. But just to be on the safe side I think I will do some breathwork! And I will get a treatment Sunday. The rest is out of my hands. Any time I want things to be other than they are (even with good intentions) I get sucked i to old behaviors! UGH!

Namaste-Sat Nam
Quantum Yogin


 

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