Whoa, we are in for a ride yesterday... such a beautiful example of the connecting, observing, then creating and loving the moment. Whew! I am touched by her absolute ability to focus her observer!

Date:   9/8/2005 10:01:01 AM ( 19 y ago)

We all need to face our habits that are not satisfying. When I fall into
habits I know are not the best for me, I watch myself go through that
experience yet one more time. I am kind of curious. Why am I doing this
this time? I let myself experience it fully instead of feeling guilty
about it. It is what I have chosen to do this time once again, but this
time I'll also bring awareness to it. And I have gifts coming from this
awareness. I too love playing games on the computer by myself or with
others. So I watch if I am connecting with the experience or am I aloof. I
am usually playing terrible if I am not connected.

Yesterday was such a day for me. I felt like crying and I felt like
screaming. I played some poker (fake money!) on the computer and I was
losing and losing. Then I decided to bring awareness to my game and my
life. What was I missing? I found myself beconing more aggressive. I had
nothing in my hand but I found myself being gutsy. Everyone that was
playing dropped out one at a time. I won that hand. I had a surge of life
flow through me. The point was there are things I was not doing in my life
that playing the game brought out. I call it poker yoga. (You know Hatha
yoga, Kundalini Yoga and now whatever I do with awareness becomes "that
which I do" yoga). I did not even have to know the solution. Just asking
myself the question: What I am not doing, what can I do? And I watch how
my body-mind wanted to play and I learned what I wanted to learn.

Whatever you are doing, do it without guilt, and start doing it
consciously (unless someone is going to get hurt). See how your experience
changes.

This morning I realized as I sat down for yoga that something else was
calling me. Instead of doing yoga, I wanted to connect more deeply, more
directly with God. I sat in silence for 30 minutes just watching what
happened in me as I intended to connect with God more deeply. I realized
something new: I have gone through life alone, building myself up by the
bootstraps, rarely finding anyone to truly support me or help me. Yes I
had some help and support in my life and more so recently than ever
before, but more often than not the people around me did not know how to
help, so I found myself alone and trying to figure it out alone. I learned
a lot that way. But this morning I realized why Yogi Bhajan himself had a
teacher in Guru Ram Das. I realized I did not have to be alone anymore.
Yes the yoga always helped. My aura is stronger and more stable than
before, my concentration and focus are more stable... lots of good things.
Meeting with yogi Bhajan was incredible but I still met him with a strange
sense of being an outcast.

This morning I discovered I wanted to learn and study something new: How
to be in God space all the time and I felt worthy (where did the
unworthiness come from? this sense of being an outcast from God's world? I
don't know I just experienced that I was welcome back. It was up to me.) I
don't know yet who the teacher I want to connect with is: Jesus? Guru Ram
Das? Yogi Bhajan? Buddha? I just feel a smile inside of me knowing that I
want to search and seek him/her out. I find myself in the same space as
someone who just discovered that they deserve to be loved truly, kindly,
with all the gentleness and support they need and all the beautiful
respectful divine sex, and it is toward finding some divine teacher out
there that I would feel the deep connection I had been craving for
thinking it was denied of me.

I suspect we each have to find out what we really crave every moment. And
most of us go about our day pushing away the craving until one day it
becomes too strong and we finally listen and then we find the gold... or
perhaps it takes several attempts to find the gold, but we have started to
ask our self: what is this craving? And we follow the inner guide dance...
And it is joyful.

Blessings!


 

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