tough time today emotionally

Date:   12/7/2006 6:26:22 PM ( 18 y ago)

Envy: A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.

Jealousy: Jealousy typically refers to the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that occur when a person believes a valued relationship is being threatened by a rival. The word jealousy stems from the French jalousie, formed from jaloux (jealous), and further from Low Latin zelosus (full of zeal), and from the Greek word for "ardour, zeal" (with a root connoting "to boil, ferment"; or "yeast").

Today I was home getting full of cabin fever. It is snowing and my husband and i were watching television. Well we were watching Baby Story and Bringing Home Baby. I know what I want when I have children. That is to be in shape and in the best of health. So far, I've seen very few women who are that way on this show. Most are out of shapand feed their families unhealthy food. then I go to Walmart and see the women and get further depressed. Through the whole show I was saying out loud that I hope I don't gt fat and ugly after I start having children. I was saying downright mean things about the women on the show. I think my husband felt a little uncomfortable and it certainly didn't make any of us feel good. I just think I was expressing my envy of these women who aren't leading a healthy lifestyle who are having children. Today I realised that it's too close to ovulation and I got a little testy becuase I was super horny and couldn't have sex. I suppose this is where natural family planning gets serious. It was a whole host of things. The day ended with my husband asking me if I was feeling homesick. I guess I am. I did manage to entertain by showing him what I consider junkfood/retail therapy which is storebrand honeynut cheerios, a cup of Folgers coffee and a magazine purchase.

I do not know WHAT God has in store for me. I may not be able to even conceive a child or my husband could be shooting blanks or I might not make a good mother after all. I do get intimidated by younger children esp. girls which is why I want boys. Knowing my luck I'll have all girls. Anyway, envy is poison to the body system and certainly doesn't build up my psychic bodies and carries down my HIGHER SELF. I have to work a double tomorrow night and I can't have these negative thoughts when encountering the spirit entities. I think angry, unsettled spirits pick up on such vibes so why leave myself open? I could get sick or get my cold back and run myself down before I go into work tomorrow.

I do not know what my life would be like if I had a baby. I have to believe that this is due in part to my biological clock. I feel younger and look younger. It may or may not be the biological clock. If it is, I just wonder how I can turn it off or ignore the times when the issue presents itself. Part of me wants to believe in ageless living and that I can have children when I'm older, that age doesn't matter,etc. Yet, the other part says you are 33 and starting a family at 38 or so may not be wise. I'm just full of self doubt this evening and also regret, regret that I didn't save money, regret that I didn't get an education,etc.etc.etc.

Yet, these days I've been feeling younger than ever, happier than ever,etc. I just got a full time position at the nursing home so I should be happy. Is this just negativity dragging me down? Maybe I just need to get outside and walk and run.



 

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