Serial Soap Opera of My Life Part 1

Date:   9/18/2006 8:52:13 PM ( 18 y ago)

I am now blissfully EMPLOYED once again. I find that being a nursing assistant in a nursing home is a good channel for my quietly ticking,sometimes irritating bio clock. You know a soundtrack of Niagra Falls can be quite relaxing but a single drop of water can be torture. I know that God designed a woman to nest and desire babies around ovulation but I'm amazed at how irritated I used to get. I've only been married three months. Oh well anyway, I'm just asking the support of the Blessed Virgin Mary to help me fight any feelings of jealousy or resentment about not having children. I seem to be doing very well except when my mother seemed relieved that my brief bout with a cold wasn't due to pregnancy. I felt a twinge of bitterness that the announcement of a pregancy would not be an immediately happy event. Yes she would be happy eventually but the first response would be... OMG how are you going to be able to afford this baby? I also know that I'm living the secret dream of many women in my mother's family and that is to get married and have a happy, holy home life. I broke the cycle of illegitimacy and extramarital/premarital sex pain that has plagued my family for generations. My mother remarked to me that children should not be brought up poor on purpose. She grew up in grinding poverty and so she has a sensitivity to that issue.

I know that now isn't the time God wants me to bear children. I've prayed about this issue over and over and even gone to church. I get a stone wall of silence from God and a very unsettling feeling so I take that as the almighty 'NOT NOW'. Every so often I need a prayerful recharge that everything will be okay. Right now it's just my husband and I living in a basement apartment and THAT IS JUST FINE. As the days go by, I find out more insightful things about my husband's life that need attention/healing. I think about my own immaturity and everything else. The reality is that we both have debts to pay and also no health insurance. I can get along with no insurance for myself but once children come along...OMG. Instead of being a selfish woman and berating my husband for not having enough money to fulfill my every whim and desire, I'm bringing God into our place with prayer. I think it is better to support and also really give him a push and a kick when he needs it.

BTW, I've conceived and am going to give birth to an amazing visionary fiction novel about my family. I'll talk more about channeling my spiritual woman energy and what I am doing now during abstainenance.

This post will be continued tomorrow...boy it's long *LOL*

 

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