week/weekend wrap up (long post!)

Date:   4/17/2006 5:31:16 PM ( 18 y ago)

I had a very stressful week and weekend. Lots of shouting, arguing and depression relating to my mother and sister. My room is the cleanest it's ever been. That was my whole weekend, cleaning and then out in the garden. Lot of the shouting and arguing was over my mother urgency for everything to be done. She works during the week and isn't home. The shower is in two weeks and she's nervous. Also, my fiance had a bout of depression and that had me upset as well. I'm surprised I didn't get sick. I did eat more than I should and I didn't exercise.

Today is a calm day here and very warm. I'm going to lay down and read. When my sister leaves for yoga, I'm going to do a meditation. Last time I did one I had very good results. I used an old Dick Sutphen tape called 'higher self'. It's time to cleanse myself once again. I'm off the rails so to speak and am wondering what got me off the track. I suppose it is dealing with my mother's frustations and me eating and losing control. I wish I wasn't such a food addict that every time I have an emotional confrontation I run to food.

I do believe I am manifesting a deepseated denial about getting married. It doesn't seem real. I never thought it would happen to me. I was getting fitted for my wedding dress and it fit perfectly! Yet, I wasn't happy. I was moaning and groaning to my fiance that all the fighting with my mom and sister wasn't making me happy to be getting married. I told him that I look forward to Paris. I should be looking forward to standing at the altar and thanking GOD for sending me a halfway decent man who has a J-O-B, no baby drama and isn't a sex pervert.

Given the fact that I am a food addict and a glutton for self abuse/punishment, caustic emotions, I should take an approach to this the way heroine, alcoholics and other addicts do. I don't know what I am afraid of but maybe I should be patient with myself. I've made a lot of progress in a year, more than I ever made in MANY years. I'm feeling a great struggle within, between the old Ren and my real and true self, the spiritual self. Yes I named this blog perfect because when I found my childhood photographs this weekend, a starchild came to mind. That is, the perfect me filled with all the innocence of childhood. Yet, I also know that as a result of the abuse I suffered and the alienation, I received some very gifts and knowledge about the God of the universe, the Universe itself AND my unique psychic gift of a quantum imagination.

Stay tuned because this adventure is going to get interesting! I have found my camera cord, I'm planting Leslie's seeds, my decision to go raw all the way,etc.

 

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