Little successes right now could make a difference. I am shaky inside.

Date:   7/19/2007 11:54:46 AM ( 17 y ago)

9:38 AM
July 19, 07

I am feeling really shaky.
It's an emotional earthquake,
part of The Great Earth Cleanup.

Our emotions are tied in with our Stuff.
We have Stuff--material Stuff--as one way
to not deal with our feelings.

Feelings are difficult to feel for most of us.

I have been in avoidance
regarding the Basement for a long time--years.
It has been easier to not take on directly the resistance.
Now, time feels of the essence
because I have set aside time to take on this cleanup.

I have been putting my energy on other Life Giving things.

Thank God, I have made some progress in Spiritual and Soul Growth
while tending these other Life Serving things.

I do not feel stable right now.

We had some lovely weeding in the front yard,
but I was not asked about some of the projects.

Every day, I have been taking Joy looking out
the front window of the kitchen, to see my pot of dried
Barley.

Yes, I needed to harvest it, rather than let it sit.

In the well-meaning cleanup yesterday,
it was cleared. No one who was clearing remembered
weeding this pot.

The energy was rising.

THe weeders were defending that they had not weeded
the Pot where the Barley was. It got tossed. It was lost.

I did my best to express appreciation for all the good work
that showed great initiiate, but things like this happen
if I, as the overseering of the garden, do not have a say
to coordinate the projects in advance.

I named some projects that needed to be done.

Some of those were done, but other projects were taken on
without asking.

Some others that were "safe" to do with the wonderful energy,
were not done.

I feel unnerved that I lost this Barley, unknowingly,
and innocently. Someone--someone--who does not even remember
they cleared the pot--cleared the pot.

I am not sure what I can count on.

The Pots represented dreams of mine.
The seeds were planted with a lot of intention.
The Dreams were pulled up at Harvest time,
but the Harvest did not happen.

This feels like a small thing in comparision to
the Bigger things that are happening around here,
but it is symbolic of the instabilty that I am feeling
regarding the foundation here now.

The clutter is in the way of a strong Life serving foundation.

I am not sure I have the skills or emotional strength
to pull this off, and I cannot see alternatives.

Prayers, maybe that will help.
Communication and understanding that will help.

The Big projects and issues are immense and overwhelming.
I do not even want to name them all at once.

Each will take enormous strength of character to get through
and much time and commitment.

Little things--little successes--
would matter.

I would feel a better if I found that lost barley.


When I look at the Whole Picture it is way too much.



My Take on "Stuff"


http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=1103&i=28


12:52 PM
July 19, 2007

Feeling worse...

Had a good morning with Paris...
I laid in his room on the mattress.
We wrote together some statements for the Next Step
and Basement Cleanup.

I seem to have missed the departure of Angelene's parents.
I am very sad about this. I am feeling unnerved.

There is too much change going on too fast for me.

4:02 PM

Spent time with Michelle Dexter,
a new Professor at Palomar College.

We are looking at her moving into the room Paris has now.

Paris is leaving August 2.

She will let me know by Saturday closing.

I am intensely unnerved right now inside.

She would make a good housemate.

I am unnerved about needed help right now,
the Paris' ally ship right now feels critical to
what is going on. I do not feel secure.

---

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