An email to an old friend... Check in with myself.

Date:   4/27/2007 9:31:53 AM ( 17 y ago)

7:32 AM
April 27, 07

This is an email to an old friend,
a former housemate:


Yes, D, there is a lot to respond to here.
I definitely can relate to isolation and getting
stuck inside.

I am in a fortunate time.

this does not mean that there are not constant and daily opportunities
to grow. The Tennis match with life is consistent, and I approach it
knowing that it, and most relationships I do, are basically about that
the Game of LIfe. The "win' is personal growth, soul growth.

Being in a fortunate time, also does not mean that there may
not be other times when I will go blind again, or
get knocked out by the ball hitting me on the head.

I want to be humble enough to know that is possible,
but being the Scorpio I rise up again.

on 4/27/07 12:46 AM, D wrote:

Hi Leslie,

Thanks for asking. It is late in the evening, early in the morning, but I will try to tell a little bit of my story for now, just to share something with you. I don't know about you, but my email box is impossible to keep up with,

I have had literally thousands of emails this week to delete!

Someone was wanting to help me "improve" things on the old P.C.
that i use to build my websites.

They opened up the Outlook Express on that machine.

The Symantec Company no longer supports Windows 98,
and the computer is infested with Virus that are near impossible
with my knowledge and existing programs to curtain.

About four days before a major EarthFair, I stopped getting emails
on my main public account.

I had no time to stop and figure it out.

A few days following Earth Day, my entire internet connection was
shut down by Cox, my provider.

I had a Security Breech.

One of those Viruses stole my email.
My email was being forwarded to them.

They used my email to scam and spam.

Not that I have it back, for a number of days I was getting at least
1000 returns from others who have Spam protectors.

I finally learned yesterday now to do bulk deletes.

It is training me in a good way to get use to the idea of
deleting.

This will be a summer of major "deleting" around here.

It is the Summer when I am going to stay home as much
as possible and work full time to Clear the Space. Amen.

I am willing to take on what needs to be taken on.

I now have the strength to do this.

This was a Winter when I had diarrhea most days,
severe diarrhea that began on December 25.

I am starting to get a sense of this.

Some time in Fall, my meridians reverse for Winter,
just like the plants. I cannot eat as i do in Spring and Summer.
I sense that how I eat in Spring in Summer also influences
how I will be feeling in Winter.



I prefer to Blog, and Blog out most of my life.
I have been emailing with one particular new friend a lot for about ten days,
but this may be a cycle that has ended. I learned a great deal from that
relating, so the investment of time was worth it.

i'm sure, yours must be overflowing, but it often is a good thing and it seems to nourish you.

I have the same pattern as you do.
We both can feel isolated.

I will do almost anything to get out of that.

I was made to Blog. It gives me a sense that there is one person out there
who I am writing to, a witness. Blogging helps me feel not so much alone.

I can't be sure if one person who have time to respond.
It is like putting too much pressure on a personal relationship when I do that
because my energy is intended to express.

When a person gets in touch with their Soul Purpose and finds a way to
express that soul purpose, then things fall in place.

Dr. Jensen would say that if a person studied the heart for 15 minutes a
day, he would become an expert on the heart within five days.

I have finally seen that if I stick to one thing, and in this case blogging
as my main outlet for communication, other things that were needed to
come into form are finding a way.

I was meant to be a columist for a newspaper.
I am meant to write and teach through writing.

I am a natural journal keeper.

I also am ADD oriented by I have enough skills to understand how to focus,
when I can get on top of my emotions.

I am constantly capable of being distracted, and email can be a distraction,
but it general I know I am doing service no matter what I write.

I am becoming less hard on myself.

I am here basically to record a history of peace on earth,
and that history begins with you, literally, and me, or who ever
the person is.

It is possible to improve our lives.
My life has shown me that.

It is also possible to waste years in trapped energy with another person because
we deep down are so desperate for something, that can come to us if we stop
holding on so tightly to what we have or imagine can fulfill our needs.

I blog in my sleep. I am blogging right now.

I will blog this.



I do that too.

I feel more inspired to do my work with more purpose and energy. It is a kind of awakening to my soul, in ways that I was not conscious of before and in some ways it is wonderful,


Yes!



I would like to hear more about this. What insensitivities
and overreactions?




It is a gift, if we take on an attitude that it is something can be used
for soul growth. Soul growth is not just for us. It helps the Whole world.

< Thank you for your forgiving nature and for all the love you've been giving.>

Jensen, spoke about that too.

There is a story on one of my pages about that.

Basically, we love for ourselves. We forgive because it is good for us.

< There are times that I feel a deep hole in my life, and a deep need to find a way to give something back for all the love I have received, >

Me too!




This is critical. I have been overflowing with Love this week.

I was attempting to give it to one person mainly for many years,
and she could not take it in, and yet, she took so much in!
So very wonderful, my Twin Soul/Best Friend. I will never
really abandon her. I could not possible not love her! She is
part of me. To not love her, would be like cutting off my love
for myself, but I am learning boundaries for the good of both of us.

No relationship is easy...really... because it is all about
what I have to Re-mem-ber. I am re-mem-ber-ing.

<...he computer has become my most consistent friend...>

Yes, I have to say that the computer has become my most consistent
Tool for growth. This Winter and Spring, I am also now keeping in sycn
with the garden. There is great power in the garden and metaphor
for growth.

The Earth and the Soul are Soilmates.



Yes, you had a high time when you service a conference once,
but that will bring up all the emotional baggage.

It is suppose to come up.

< I go to ____on for Shabbat sometimes, to Rabbi _____and it is great but it doesn't translate to connections with people during the week. >

I find that it is too small for me...conventional Judaism.

You life is waiting.



That is very painful. I know that pain.

I also have witnessed because of my blog focus, people from the past finding me.

I have an internet presence. That satisfies a deep need for me to have books written
and be in circulation. You are a community person by your nature, I sense.
Community is natural, but it again asks growth.



I make the most of what I have, and accept what I have had as marvelous,
until I have a revelation that how I did it was not good for me. I toy with the
idea of letting the Other know, I can't do it the old way anymore, and inviting
them to join me in a new way. I will likely do that with that person.

I basically have given up on the old behavoir.

Yesterday I was seeing how wonderful life can be.
I am stepping into a new arena of expression.
I will blog on that this morning.

What do you live for?
I live to share Life. I am a teacher and writing,
and have the talents to do things.

You are a team player. You make things happen when you play with others
and they play with you. You can be difficult. So can I. You will be forever dead
until you find a place to play with others. That is my take on it.

I also have my boundaries. I need them.

No Drugs, no smoking, no Drinking. Those are my rules for here.

Others I know have different rules. I enjoy stepping into their space
just ot see how that it, but I would not want to live there.

I also have a tremendous counselor who is helping me on a consistent
basis. I cannot thank her enough. She is a rare gift, Dr. Judith Larkin Reno.
I am indebted to her, as I am indepted to Dr. Jensen.



That sounds good.

I like the idea of not doing it all alone.
That is one of my biggest Achilles heels, doing it alone.

< I'm excited about that in ways that I haven't been in a long time, altho it also is going to take a lot of research and development, and needs a lot of attention but that's what i am here for,>

Absolutely.

< right? well, it's about 12:45, so i'll continue this maybe tomorrow afternoon. your blogging seems to really be giving you an outlet for your writing.>

Yes.

< there is so much going on, on-line. you could write a book from blogging. >

I will create partners, who will do that with me, so I do not get bogged down.



Yes. Send him my best regards, and his contact info, please.

< and i know you are probably going to be with joe r next weekend, >

I will be with Joe on Sunday.

I will be on a Farm Tour bus with Whole Foods Market Hillcrest on Saturday,
and I believe there is a great party in La Costa I will attend Saturday night.

I would like to see you....You are welcome to stay here, if you like for a night.

Please let me know your ETA and Departure time.

I like to hang with the folks in Escondido where you are going.

It seems you need to decide where you want to be.

I am feeling an energy to have some of my old allies here around me
now that I am willing to make the shift here. I was stuck before.
Now I am freeing.



Absolutely.

I know your love.
I have felt your love.
I have throughly enjoyed your love.

You are a master wordsmith.

You are the man who created the idea of "Getting Hip"

You are the man who did all that wonderful video for me
on "Getting Hip."

I had to get go because you scared me.

I am willing to be activate our friendship.

I am not into asking you to change. I am not into asking you to eat a certain way,
but I have my boundaries, and if you want to play with me here at times,
I will do my best to let you know what my boundaries are.

I do not mind you living your life as you need to live it,
and using the tools you find useful.

There is a price in doing that.

There is a price for everything we hold on to.

I know that.

I am adult about paying the price,
and finally realizing there is a Price in Being with me.

My Self Esteem is coming up.

I see the Value in Valuing myself.

< i'll be celebrating my 50th on sunday 5/6, G-d willing. >

Yes, you Sweet, Sweet Man. You precious Soul. I love you.
I would love to honor your Special Day. You let me know the details.
I will see what I can do to celebrate that with you.

I will forever honor the investment you made in me,
your unbelievable purity of heart.

I will never forget the night when I was "Getting HIp" and
The Dancer bailed out on me and did not show up.
You spent the night. Do you remember that?

I do let go for the painful times, and I want to let go of the times
that you scared me, because I want to keep growing.

I believe in redemption.

< and i know you will be celebrating your 60th (diamond) in november.>

Oh my God! You are the first person to tell me that!



Absolutel, Dear Friend!



Absolutely!


D>

Your Enchanted Gardener wrote:
Re: Thanks D! Thanks, D! Looking forward to hearing how you are doing.

Your EG
Leslie


on 4/26/07 1:06 PM, D wrote:


Thank you Leslie. It goes on so long I didn't have time to read it all today,
maybe tonight. Very beautiful as always. I don't think I can get away to
do clean up work, I have two jobs here, and I am recovering my sense and
sensation, energy and aliveness.

Will write more later, have to go to work.


:o) D






 

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