Pushing through today. Making Phone calls. Asking for things I need,and gaining self confidence.

Date:   10/11/2006 3:44:38 PM ( 18 y ago)

1:20 PM
October 11, 06

I'm pushing through!
Going to the Pioneers in Recovery
Annual Symposium last week sponsored
by the Meadows Center
was like looking myself in the mirror.
Some of what I have been seeing is scary.

I have been spending time in recent days with
Pia Mellody's book, "Facing Love Addiction."

I see myself, or some of myself, in the mirror
of these words.

In all gratitude, I repeat one of the lines
from "Moment of Awakening,"
One of my healing poems

"In the Midst of my Dark Hour,
I awaken to realize there is nothing wrong with me."

The Key word here is WRONG.

We are a nation of Addicts.
This is just what is.

We are a generation or two now of people who
are living the by-products of the loss of the Family.

We sent mothers off to work, as if having a mother
at home, or a parent at home, was not crucial to health--
of of the family, health of the nation, health of peace in the world.

It is the a collective need now that the family be restored.
It is a collective need that local economy be restored.
The Family Farmers and local foods are again seen as
true Homeland Security.

We are a nation that is now driven by fear.
We move out of fear.
We are terrorized by fear.

Most of us turn to addictions of one kind or another
to cover over the pain.

I write about pain.
I write about outgrowing the suffering
from the pain that is natural to feel.

I come from a generation that was just beginning
to realize that going in for therapy did not mean
you were a lunatic.

My brother-in-law never went to a therapist.
IT was a stigma.

He got up to about somewhere between 300-400 pounds.
He has been in a convalescent home the last six months
with a colostomy. His gut finally exploded from all the drugs
the medics were giving to get away from the pain.

His kidneys blew out and out parts of the gut.

He now is definitely feeling the pain.
We will all eventually feel the pain,
and might as well take preventive measures
to get the stuck stuff out of our Cracks before
it inflames into one kind of War or another.

I would rather tell the truth.
I know the kind of childhood I came out of.

I learned at the Pioneers conference that at a certain
age, it becomes harder and harder to compartmentalize,
harder and harder to fragment.

Do you feel pain from the length of time
it has taken you to heal?

Are you ashamed that you are still feeling wounds
that in all likelihood are from Childhood traumas?

Do you imagine that you simple outgrow these frozen
feelings that your ran from, or attempted to cover over
with things, or baggage of one kind or another?

I got a lot out of the film "Ray,"
that I watched last night on HBO on Demand.

His mother told him, "You may be blind,
but you do not have to be crippled!"

OF course, he feel into heroin, a really great
feel good high that will kill you. He finally
went cold turkey.

Luckily, there are more and more solutions now
a days that can help us get through our additions.

There is now a whole language of understanding
mapping out the territory.

They call this Recovery.
I call it Discovery.

I am in shock at 58 to feel so much buried stuff
that comes up now a days.

Some comes up because I have been in relationship.
Relationship is can be both addictive as well
as therapeutic. Relationship uncovers what
is buried, and hidden.

So this morning, in spite of the mirror
I am seeing in the pages, and the feelings
of discomfort that are not far from the surface,
and the sensations of lack of self-esteem
and confidence, I find myself pushing through.

I am getting some calls made.
IT is scary to ask for things for a conference
when you are feeling shaky.

I am doing it.

Lots of blogs today about what I am working on.

Got some feelers out to Whole Foods for a flower arrangement.

Got some feelers out for Comp Passes to some upcoming events
rather than pay for entry.

Having some conversations about doing more than giving away
my photo gifts, as a volunteer.

Got some lovely medicinal herb seeds coming
to support the work I want to do at the upcoming
Pacific Symposium, November 2-5, 06.

Each call I make is pushing through in spite
of the uncomfortable feelings.

How about your uncomfortable feelings?
How about your bouts of lack of this or that?
Is it stopping you?
Do you feel discouraged with the speed
of your healing process?

Are the tools you are using equal
to what it will take to clean out
and clear out the frozen feelings
that come up when you fast or attempt
raw food regimens?

3:50 PM
10/11/06

Bingo!

I have been working all day long.
I am tired, but more than tired
wanted to receive some energy.
I have been putting out a lot today.

In the book, "Facing Love Addiction"
it speaks to this pattern.

A person who has not received enuf
from childhood does not know how to give
to themselves. I notice that when I exhaust,
rather than rest or self-care, I am wanting
someone else to rescue me.

Oh my God! I can see this so clearly!
Thank you Pia Mellody for pointing this out
in your really great book.

"Facing Love Addiction"
Giving Yourself the Power
to Change the Way You Love
http://www.piamellody.com/






 

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