Morning insight. In Good Shape after going through the darkeness. Finished Sales Taxes Report around 5:01 PM achieved my goal for the day!

Date:   7/21/2006 3:00:27 PM ( 18 y ago)

12:27 PM
July 21, 06

I would do anything I could do help
my Best Friend. She is experiencing
a living hell, taking her into hours
of anxiety. I do not want to be too specific
of about the circumstances.

There is truly no outward comparison
between our circumstances.
I am filled with compassion for her.
I would go be there now,
now only to help but to get out of the
circumstances of my own torment.

There is some mythic character.
I do not remember who, who received
strength from the Earth. He was weak
when not connected to the Earth.
An opponent lifted him up so that his
feet could not ground. He was vulnerable
in this position.

I, too, am feeling ungrounded,
way off the ground, way out of connection
with both my Soul and the Earth that both
give me strength.

The Essenes say that the Mind is indicated
to be a by-product of the Soul on the Earth plane.

When Mind is taking signals from the Crack,
the narrow place, this is treacherous.
This breeds war and killing.

The Crack contains the Stuff growth material
unprocessed. The Crack is where the Soul
is in hiding. The Crack is the cave, the dark
cave.

We do so many things to cover over the feelings,
the buried feelings. We store baggage here
in the Crack. We fill up the place with debris.
We do anything we can to not feel.

This is where addictions come in.
The addictions give us moments of respite
from the pain that can be felt when we are
in the Crack.

To be in the Crack is to give birth to the Soul,
To be in the Crack is to give birth to one more
missing piece broken off from Consciousness.

The Garden is a metaphor for Consciousness.
We cannot return to the Garden unless we find the
Gardening tools to dig deep into the Crack.

So here I am, witnessing.

My Best Friend cannot witness.
She is too deeply hurting and exhausted from her
own travail. The very thought that my own experience
now could possible be as anxiety producing as
anything on her map irks her. How could I even
compare our experiences?

I cannot. I cannot compare at all.
I do not want to compare at all.

I can only witness to her.
This is not a t ime when she can witness to me.
She is too exhausted to see the depth of what I am feeling
and the intensity of my own anxiety that comes up when
I work wtth Money Numbers.

In this life, some of these feelings I am touching now
go back to childhood.

I am sitting at the kitchen table.
I am already infused with a sense that
there is a direction my Life is going to go in.
IT is a Forced predetermined direction
dictated by the Parental Father Figure.

Every step of the way of my life will be
a breaking of Rules that have stood for eons.

I am the first to break these rules.
I am the first who has turned away from God
in the way that could not fathom.

I cannot pray as he does.
I cannot find solace, how much I would like
in the community structure that goes naturally with
being an Orthodox Jew.

Others of my generation and the generation
that followed also turned away. I am sure that
in part they too have suffered from going against
Authority and choosing a new path.

So here I am sitting at the kitchen table.
It is a Sunday night. My mother is body close.
I am struggling with math. I can't make sense.
It likely does not help that Father is frowning.
I internalize his frown. I take in the sense that
there is something wrong with me.

My mind does not function this way.
My Mind cannot make sense of the Math
or the Money #'s.

I understand the feelings of adults who
have grown up and do not know how to read.
I understand their shame, their sense of
being Not Enuf, not good enough.

Those feelings come up when I deal with
Money numbers. I want to run. I want to
pretend I know what I am doing.

Now I am slowing down.
Mercury Retrograde--it lasts until the 28th
is a t ime when there is an exquisite thinness
between the Veils.

For weeks I have been absent from my Life.
I took this journey wanting tor build confidence.
I took this journey to fill in some gaps
in consciousness.

I had a reading a few months ago.
I was told that my soul is a master number.
I have capacities that can be very soothing
and healing for myself and others when I
am generating energy from my Soul.

The same goes from my Earth Connection.
When I am in touch with strong Earth connection,
as in growing plants in the garden, I feel exhilaration.
I am saved.

For me, the Earth and the Soil our soilmates.

I have been too long absent from my Life.
I have been struggling for too many days now
to make sense of the money numbers.

Now I am feeling the sense of separation,
the sense of isolation from those things
that give me Life

I am working a Sales Tax Report
in Quicken.

How absurd that anything this small
could possibly evoke so much stress.

Between my soul and my earth connection
I feel eons of darkness. Eons of Crack.
Eons of Issues hiding in the dark.

What I am feeling and healing now
goes deeper inside that a little boy
looking up at his Father Authority and
feeling a Frown.

I am in touch with unnamed past lives
and times of torment not only that are alive
in my Crack, but alive in the Darkness that dwells
in all of us.

I just made significant progress.

I have straightened out this report
to the point where I can complete the task
of calling the Board of Equalization and getting
help.

I also see where how I can improve my system.

I am commiting to improve my system.

I am not going to leave this work go to be done
once a year. I am going to get the help I need now
to set up the structures.

I also have some ideas from taking this time this
morning how to work this myself.

I need to see more daylight.
I will finish this, release the pressure
of the immediate deadline for Sales Tax
reporting.

In between working the numbers, I layed on my bed
with an Archangel Card of Michael the Protector on my heart.

This all seems so very absurd on the face of it.
Who could get so worked up about something
seemingly so small?

I was feeling the feelings in the Crack.
I passed through them to the other side.
I survived the terror I can touch
that represent eons of darkness.



4:52 PM
July 21, 06

I did it!
More Intense emotions....
As hard as I try, there will always
be glitches and errors when I do the math.
The Sales Tax Report was going perfectly,
but then, I found one place where the numbers
did not add up to....I go into intense anxiety
when this happens.

I did not want to head into the weekend
with this up in the air.
It triggers self esteeem
and all kinds of feelings.

I was able to find the error...
The district tax number I was using
did was with taxes included, not minus
taxes included. When I found this
I felt a lot of relief.

I was talking to a great friend last night...
she has had two near death experiences
in the last couple years. She is Aries.
She had learned from this that she could not
afford to allow herself the stress.

There is a high cost in having this much stress.

I feel relief now.

I am going to think on the adjustments I can
make to have these glitches and not have the
bottom fall out emotionally.

The intensity is that I have been working
so many hours on Math and Records the last numbers
of weeks.

I am so missing my life.
I was working with calming music throughout the day
and my Archangel connection to Michael.

I am going to shower now, rest a bit,
and enjoy the FM.

I have one fun thing to do tomorrow.
I feel I can enjoy it now.

Best Friend is going to have less
energies in her house next week,
but her priority is being alone.
A part of me would like to have a date
toward the end of the week.
Comfort is called for.

Leslie



 

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