Moments of Revelation about the pain I am causing myself. I have to slow down and shift the pattern more.
Date: 5/4/2006 5:51:34 AM ( 18 y ago)
3:41 AM
May 4, 06
I just got up to Blog some revelations
this early morning, and included them
in a response to a dear old friend and ally,
Jeff. I am including our communication
here and my response that I would have
written as a Blog.
Your EG
__
on 5/3/06 11:48 PM, jeff wrote:
Thank, you, I thought the same thing, Jeff, about this photo.
That it is very special. There were some others that were very special
too, capturing him in some archetypal ways--such as with the jackel
ears on, but this one is extraordinary.
I consistenty hear that--
that I have captured the best picture
that a person has ever had of themselves.
That is because I see the Soul in things
and live there with the essence as often
as I can.
What is amazing is that my intuitive gift
is way beyond the technical
know how--the earth plane expertise.
I do not wear eye glasses when I do
my photography. I cannot see well.
I read the energy.
The actual technology of the digital camera allows me
to often get the focus I need.
I would be better off if I slowed down tremendously
and learned the physical technology.
This is a typical M.O. for me.
I am vibrating at a higher frequency and happy there,
but when I come down into the physical world,
I create a lot of mess.
The worlds are not integrated for me.
I am coaxed into the physical world by pleasure,
and the pleasure of human interactions, and intimacy
of all kinds,
and stimulated to further avoid the physical world when
the issues stimulated by relationship are getting me in touch with pain.
I avoid the pain through hanging out in the other dimensions,
and this causes me more and more pain.
I just got up in a moment of revelation...
I have been feeling a deep discomfort but could not
put my finger on it, other that realizing I have been screaming
for the last 24 hours for my Best Friend,
on again-off again lover,
Earth Plane Grounding Influence.
This May I have been focused on more fun.
I have realized that the way I work is hurting me,
but I do not know how to stop the pattern.
I just work up seeing the pattern--the M.O. even more clearly
from "signs" and "feedback" the physical world is showing me.
This feedback is not pleasant.
Last night, Angel, one of my new housemates,
reported that there is a smell of mold coming from the closet
in her upstairs room. Why?
The Why is that last Fall, I had a nest of bees under the roof
by that closet. I called in a pro. He wanted a couple thousand
to fix the situaltion, to meticulously and professional tear open the
roof and clear the bee hive and then fix the roof. I did not want
to pay the price.
I called in a friend, based on relationship.
HJs an extraordinary roofer--the equivalent of me being
an extraordinary inutuitive Soul inspired photographer.
He is a Master of Roofing, as I am a Master of Intuitive Soul Inspired photographer.
But he was not a Master Bee remover, as I do not have mastery of this Earth Plane
integration of my Soul and Soil.
As a favorite quote I made up says:
"The Earth and the Soul are Soilmates."
My Earth and Soul are barely soilmates.
I am not of One connection, especially when I am not
getting the deep human feedback that comes from being in deep;
intimate male-female interaction.
Some part of me knows this, and therefore is squirming.
That roof, I got a report last night that it is being haunted by mold.
The solution deep down, is likely to tear open the roof and do the job right.
I am not sure if any other solution will really get the job done.
I have been avoiding the home issues.
I have a sensual recall of Best Friend in my bed sharing pleasure.
That is symbolic of me of a time when I felt at home here.
Generally, this place haunts me. I am not at home here.
My room is a mess. The boxes keep piling up.
In your other email, you mention the evolution you see in yourself,
the results of all the hard work that is paying off.
I have to say, the same goes for me.
I went to visit my father a few weeks ago.
I will go back there in about three weeks and make a major
effort to help this sweet man who is becoming frail.
He is an extreme packrat. I mean extreme. There is no place
to walk from the open door of the apartment to the bedroom,
other than a thin trail. Everything else is covered over by
papers and trash and bags.
I have evolved the generations a bit beyond that.
My room is filled yes with a lot of things that need to be tossed
out, and I have difficulty determining which because I have pain
when I slow down to the Earth vibration to stop and look.
I have bills piled up. I have imcompletes.
I also have stunning beauty and completed or near completed projects
that hover at high frequencies in the rubble of the room, wanting
to see the light of day and be freed to give to the world this beauty,
but it is my own self limits and mental places, and emotional blocks
that keep this world in place.
I have progressed. I keep breaking out at times and moving the energy.
I have some unbelievable opportunities to move the entire organic
movement. One national group wants my photos on their web site.
They ask, and ask, and I keep them waiting. I have been working
on other projects and got a complete on one of those--but it was
of a lesser impact, or maybe not. I am not sure.
My spirit does not help.
I keep getting more and more inspirations.
Sometimes, I move with these inspirations and this only causes
more work. Each time I take on a project, there are thousands of hours
I do not see involved to get a complete and tons of growth experiences.
I spent five and one half years in one growth opportunity with
this one relationship I call Best Friend. I know it well. It takes
me into ecstacy and then the issues come up between us that
cause distancing and trigger my own issues and hers when
I sense the next growth is needed.
Often we have breakthroughs--but we are both into controling
our pain, and do not have a technology such as Marshall Rosenberg's
in place as you, my friend, likely know it by now. So we end up
separating or distancing, and this triggers more of my abandonment
or other issues.
I have been doing a conscious fast the last five weeks or so.
Consciously not wanting to go and drink from the well of the friendship.
When I drink there, without both of us steeped in the Rosenberg non-violent
technology, I end up in self-abuse.
I have difficulty saying no. I am in what they call a love addiction.
I was having discomfort after so many days of her absense, where I felt
I needed her, that she was my air. I wanted to take my own breathing support
back, and so I have been doing a fast from her.
Yesterday, was a hard day because I was feeling this yearning very strongly
to be in the contact of her earth support. She is truly a great friend, but I
still am wanting of her in other ways that tell me she has power to trigger me.
Maybe this is a gift, but it keeps me preoccupied.
So I have been spending time exploring other opportunities and seeming growth
opportunties. I just woke up seeing again the pain I am causing myself.
This is the scenario....I already had three major imcompletes--three Lovers so to speak
wanting my full attention. The fathest away, the most difficult, the one I am avoiding
is the house.
Then there are two others. The closest being the opportunity with the web site and photos
that would take me to a whole new plateau of national recognition.
What have I been doing the last week?????
I got the inspiriation to move Joe the Farmer's ripe organic fresh picked
strawberries into our local Whole Foods. This has importance, and the relationships
it is taking to make a success of this, are again...a full time job....
Oh my God. I have been spending most of my precious morning writing time,
writing out about the Strawberry thing, and blogging about it. Blogging
is another of my addictions, and my safest relationship right now.
So I just woke up and saw what I am doing.
There are more hours to make a success of this strawberry project,
and the main thing that is stimulating me I realize is running away from
the pain of the Best Friend separation, but I do not want to make that
contact now, although I am thinking about it for her birthday in a few weeks.
But look at me!!
Good God, not I am being haunted by the mold,
I went to an Aurevedic master yesterday and he gave me some
herbs to work on all this.
I will start the regimen in the morning.
I need to work a different kind of weaving.
I am building some new friendships that are helping
me again create alliances betweeen my Soul and my Soil, my Body.
I am seeing what I am doing right now.
Each earth activity takes so many hours
and each involves so many relationship moves.
Thank God, we have Time, if we can squell the anxieties
and breathe into the pain as well as the pleasure.
I do believe in the work of Marshall Rosenberg
and what he is saying about Love not being an emotional feeling
but a doing that leads us to our aliveness.
I realize that even in my pain, I am more alive than
most here on this Earth, and thanks to God,
I will always Rise UP.
In friendship,
Leslie
on 5/3/06 11:48 PM, jeff wrote:
P.S. the photo of Marshall is amazing - I've never seen one like it...not even close :-) To catch him in a moment of joy like that is indeed rarity, because he is frequently in another expressional mode.
Warmly, Jeff
___________________________________
Jeff Brown, Certified Trainer
Center for Nonviolent Communication ~ http://www.cnvc.org
Do not ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive.
- Howard Thurman
-------- Original Message --------
Subject: Re: Jeff and marshall's photo sale=Thank you! You are
Amazing, Jeff!
From: Your Enchanted Gardener
Date: Wed, May 03, 2006 7:06 pm
To: Jeff
Jeff, thank you for this information.
Sending you the photo below.
You amaze me the way you get around!
I was in San Luis Obispo for a Feng Shui Conference in 04.
I like that city very much.
What drew you there?
I like the direction of Marriage and Family Therapist
for you.
I am having a good time with The Seven Love Cures...
All Seven Laminated Poems are less than the price of a single
Therapy session. They are words men need to know and women want to hear...
The words our fathers never taught us as men.
I am having a really great time with these poems...seven of my favorites.
Behind the eight ball right now anchoring at a new level with lots
of photo opportunities with two national organizations intensely involved
with the organic agenda. A run into time crunches and beat myself up
with taking on more things without completing some very imporant
projects in the wings.
So, tell me Jeff, how did you transition to San Luis Obispo?
How often to do trek to LA for the schooling? I believe I know
another man in that school, Greg Echols.
Love to hear more.
I find the Rosenberg info on relationship extremly valuable
and want to study what I have. Have been at a stuck place today
with remembering a relationship that I am fasting from.
So let me know about you.
Leslie
Hi Leslie,
Glad to hear you spent some time with Marshall Rosenberg recently. I saw in in Santa Barbara just a day or two prior to him going to San Diego. I'm happy to tell you everything I know that would give you the best chance of selling your photo.
http://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/contact_us.htm
What's new for you?
Warmly, Jeff
An Enchanted Gardener
at Your Service!
Leslie Goldman, Your Enchanted Gardener,
SEES and plants SEEDS of success
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"Each time we increase understanding between one man
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This is to live in Organic Celebration!
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Mother Earth is aksing that we each be her
World's Greatest Lover now.
Are you open to love?"
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