Crisis in my head,

Date:   1/16/2006 5:09:13 PM ( 18 y ago)

it is 2:45 PM
Monday,
January 16, 06

Martin Luther Kings
Birthday Celebration

I thought I might be down in Balboa Park.
I am near completing the Carolyn Dean photos
that I began this morning.

Lots of interruptions.

I am listening to a favorite Buddhist meditative
peace by Jonathan Goldman,
while completing these photos.

I could have gone down there to the Park
and felt a bit ashamed that I am allowing feelings
to keep be from being comfortable at a celebration.

I am not sure that listening and viewing young people
dancing would pull me farther out of the grounding that I
need now.

I am feeling in crisis.

I once had a fire here, about four years ago.
Is it that long?

A young woman, who started the blaze with a candle
came running into my room frantic that the house
was about to burn down.

There were major flames in the backyard over to the side,
unbelievable.

Only a stand of lumber bamboo saved the house.
My bedroom and office were right on the other side
of that stand of bamboo.

I grabbed my laptop and left my room,
only to realize the house has not endangered.

Right this minute, the house feels endangered
again.

I am feeling the pressure right now
of the appraisal being down here on Wendesday morning.
I have not talked to the co-owner.
I really need to settle this but right now I am
tired and feeling pressure
and wondering where would I go and what would I do?

There is a deeper sense of failure I am feeling,
like I have been given so many talents and done so much
work, and yet the results of my labors feel twarted by my style of creation,
--doing too much--and sense of perfectionism and not good enuf
have kept my work from widely being in the world.

Just yesterday a friend was telling how she could not understand
why one artists work was in Hallmark and not mine.

She sized the situation up--I needed a business partner.
Someone who could take the creative work and get it out.

This unsettledness with the foundation of the house
is weighting heavy on me
as well as the awareness that I have invested much
of my heart into a relationship that matters so very much to me.

She will likely be moving out of the area within a period of years,
God bless her in what she really wants. It gives me a sense
of separation right now, as if I will not be seeing someone
who really matters to me, and above this, look at these emotions
that I have invested.

It is all theory right now and not grounded as far as her move,
but I am feeling the underlying issue right now of my deep feelings
about where I have invested these feelings.

Where would I go if I did not live here?
What an ordeal that would be to uproot.

I know my dharma this life is to learn from being
a writer and gettting my work out. How well have I succeeded?

The house alone takes so much vital force, just to maintain.

I cannot summon the energy right now to imagine
what I would do.

I am handling my crisis feelings my
completing something that seems manageable.
I have photoshopped two photos long owed,
and getting a completion on that.
Well, at least, I am a good photographer.
That is something I can do well.

I am tired. I am fearful.
My face is cold, and the sun is shining.

I cut some job's tear plants before as I was standing
in the sunshine.

There was a stock of bananas growing nearby that spot.

What have I done with my life?
Should I be happy with what I have done,
and just go Home where people go when they give up
the body?

I am wonderful if this life is worth fighting for to maintain?
Thoreau, one of my heros, was gone before 58, I believe.

Where should I go with these feelings.
Call a counselor friend?

I am thinking, well at least I have grown a stock of
banana's.


6:41 PM

Feeling more at peace.
Did some gardening with a couple housemates.
Got a good complete with Dr Carolyn Dean,
who liked the photos I sent.




 

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