Winter Solstice feelings....12:03 PM and more...

Date:   12/21/2005 2:11:15 PM ( 19 y ago)

Feeling like I am in the birth canal right now.
it is 12:03 PM right after noon.
I am feeling very vulnerable.
There are not too many people I want to see right now.

I am feeling a loss of power.
How do I get my power back?
I am feeling vulnerable and needy.

Will I be abandoned for saying this?

I am going into the canyon now, literally to clear
the path to the White Sage that grows there.
The canyon is the birth canal, and I want to open the
space.

back later...
going to look for a really good saw I have not seen
in a couple months.

12:51 PM
finished hanging some laundry.
I have been spending lots and lots of time alone
at home. This brings us stuff.
I spent my childhood runnng away from home,
it was a horrific place of yelling and screaming
and abandonment, and never having a chance
to be myself without father pushing me to be
something more, something else, something older,
more this, more that. Then things got worse when
my mother died when I was 12.

Pulled the Death Card this morning from the Tarot Deck.

"It says to fear death is not to live.
You cannot live unless you are willing to die.
Only by letting go can you let life in.
Otherwise you are stiff, rigid, and uptight--
really dead."

James Wanless

I am ashamed of all these feelings coming up.
I am feeling like I am dying.
It is a very warm and sunny day in San Diego
and I found the saw I was looking for.

I am going to cut some branches overhanging
the trail to the canyon.

Please be with me.
I feel like I am the only one in the world,
except for a few close friends. it is very scary
'to imagine they will leave me if I expose the way
I am feeling right now.

I have not gotten over the death of my mother.
1:00 PM

1:08 PM

Run, run, run from feelings.
Don't feel that...too scary.
Off to the Canyon.

3;11 PM
Aware I am working on foundation.
Good communications today.
Cut some branches. More to do.


12/24/05
12:32 PM

more here Saturday done...
side of shelves with Kathy's help.

eg





 

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