I am feeling discouraged, and checking in with myself and you, dear Spirit.

Date:   10/18/2005 11:05:36 AM ( 19 y ago)

A little ray of hope showed up yesterday.
I sent in a sweet photo of a flower--
that is where it is at--I can't even remember the name of it--
to the Feng Shui Quarterly.

I am deeply unhappen with the results I received
from all the followup from the Feng Shui Conference.
The FINAL thank you note went out many, many weeks
after poeple had forgotten this event.

About 53 people may have visited the site.
I was offering a CD of photos.

I put up some of the photos and a price.
There were no purchasers.

I feel like a big failure.
I feel I never got my energy out of the Conference.

I have the Pacific Symposium in 15 days.
The Set up is November 2.

I am not feeling in a space to put good energy into this yearly
event. I am feeling dramatically influenced by the results and what
feels like ineffectiveness of my ability to get results.

I felt highly effective at the conference itself.
The financial results were pretty good. I went out on a limb.
putting in all kinds of energy, and counting on getting sponsors
for time spent.

The Resuits at the event--were exciting enough for as many people
as i could ask to write checks and join the Enchanted Garden Club.
A number of checks came in for $180.00 each, plus there were some
nice gifts.

The gifts including a Cure that I have been wearing around the loophole
of my belt that draws important alliances to me.

It has been working. i feel empowered wearing it.
but all the followup energy feels for naught.

Tell me what to do? i am not sure.
It is dangerous for me to be feeling like this,
with such little resolved and confidence.

My relationship with the world feels goulish right now,
a few weeks before Halloween.

i should be grateful for my improved health.
At least, if I eat right, that is manageable.

But what do I do about Pacific Symposium?
I just do not have it. My fires are not lit. I am not lit up.

The marketing, the foundation of how to make effective web sales,
is playing on me. Also the feeling of putting out so much energy
and getting so little results.

Help me, Spirit.

I feel a bit improved. I am at least dealing with a few mundane
chores.

I succeeded in handling the bee hive problem, that to Gunnar
who finished that job on Sunday,

That was a big one.

i am not connecting at the deepest levels that sustain my existence.

I am feeling like Robinson Caruso on an Island and shopping
even at Whole Foods is painful.

i am not meant to live in this kind of world.

Sometimes, just having one close friend helps, but I am not
feeling the connection right now.

I belong in another kind of world human world,
a whole being kind of world.

I don;t feel i can summon the energies to create something
new to any significance. I haven't much to give.

there are two other events that draw me during the
Pacific Symposium weekend.

One is the Mark Victor Hansen Mega Marketing Seminar.

The other is the Fellowship for Intentional Communities
regional meeting in Los Angeles.

I have an appointment at PCOM (Pacfiic College of Oriental Medicine,
the sponsors of Pac Symposium). I have a sweet intern
I am working with. We have been working with emotions the
last couple sessions.

i feel better writing. I need to connect, and find some buffer
from the deep longings i feel when I see Alive Beings Shopping.
The distance between us, that we allow between people,.
that we claim as O.K., I find painful and debillitating.
I cringe from it. I feel so much pain in the distance between people.

I pray to see Your Enchanted Gardener.
He is absent right now, but i know he can return
very fast.

Things could be so much worse, so very much worse.
I am one of the lucky ones in the world.
I know you and I are the lucky ones.
We have so much freedom of choice.
We have so much we can do to make a more
beautiful world.

Maybe if i look at some of the pictures
from the Feng Shui conference.
Maybe I should pay a few more bills
and appreciate this change of weather.

1, Call Al from PCOM, who helped me.
2. Anne Mansfield--
What to do next with photos?
3. OTA friends...for Spring showing???
Something to live for, to inspire me.

I do have Jen Schultz here at the house who will
help me.

Call in the Staff....call Morea. call Mariah...I promised i would.

___
10:52 AM
Feeling much better.
had a good connection with Jen, our new housemate
who is adding so much to the kitchen here.
She is a graduate of the Tree of Life Food Prep School.

She will help with leadeship of the Pac Sym.
That is freeing.

Connected with Mariah...he will help Wednesday...
10-2 PM and Sunday for the teardown...

Talked to Morea...she is coming out from Washington...

I need to see how to make the most of the next give weeks
between here and my birthday, November 19.

Judy is doing an show at the Erotic Museum in Hollywood
and she invited me to be involved.

I need to get more input on the photos...
got to get ready to leave for PCOM.

Relationship space feels more open now...
I had a good conversation in my mind with
Ms #1. "I want you to have whatever freedom you need.
I am your friend. I am not here to limit your experiences
in love or self love--being alon, feeling on your own-- and being with me or others."
I am free to love too. I am not here to burden you life
with attention you do not want. I accept you where you are."

#

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