I feel like a round circle attempting to fit in a square hole. What is normal for the "Soul?" What does the Soul need to Thrive here on Earth?

Date:   6/15/2005 9:52:00 PM ( 19 y ago)

I am sitting in the Library
at the Pacific College of Oriental Medicine
San Diego. I am having one of those "bingo" moments
when it is Aha time and if I do not get this inspiration down
it will be lost.

So in spite of the bank of computers all putting out
radiations I can feel and this computer screen
that feels like it is subtly blinking into my kidneys
I want to capture these insights.

The Dare (Dar-ay) that I attempted Sunday was a mind blower.
It was a Council type gathering up at a house
in nature in Toganga Canyon. The Dare' was
inspired by the poet Deena Metzner,
a major figure in the history of woman
expressing themselves.

There is a well known poster of Deena
taken years ago, were she is bare breasted.
She had one of her breasts removed from Cancer
and in the photo has her hands up in the air
in praise to life. She wanted the world to know
she was not ashamed of her body, even after
this surgery. Now she is an elder, and still
very much on the cutting edge.

There is a quality of listening,
a quality of exposing what is deep,
a quality of being and sharing at the Dare'
that I wish you would all have the chance to experience.

I was toying with the idea that perhaps we could have a virtual dare'
here, something that equalled the sense I had of a quality of human
interaction that for me I would have to define as "normal."

I mean "normal" not in the sense of what I experience every day.
I mean "normal" as the norm for what my beingness-- and I imagine
the beingness-- of many really healthy people would need
as a "norm" to be healthy.

Anything less that Dare' mind I would call "abnormal"
from the standpoint of the Soul. The Soul demands Dare' mind to be fully functional on this earth plane.

Without the Soul function here, this is what we get...
War, Selfishness, fear, lack of health.

When I really tell the truth
the truth I am feeling now
I am aware that I eat to attempt to make sense of an incredible world
out of balance, out of balance with its soul and my soul.

IT is illness producing for me to shop at Whole Foods,
especially after being exposed to Dare' Mind again and knowing
that this consciousness is possible as a "norm.:"

IT is illness to shop and not say hello to the person who is also shopping.
IT is tragic to shop and not be called by your name by the person who
is taking your money. It is "normal" to shop and give money to places
where you know that the money you are giving is actually helping the person
on the other end thrive. You know this. They know this.
Every time the cash register opens they appreciate that you came into the store.
Their livelihood depends on you; your wellness depends on the full quality
of the interaction.

You know, now that I think about it,
I have been coming into here--to the Pacific College Clinic,
to this school for more than ten years/
I cannot say for a fact I have gotten that much improvement
from the clinic of interns who are basically trying out their skills.
I come in for the break from the lack of "normalcy" at home.
I come in for the potential of relationship of Dare' Mind.

I come here because it is fundamentally a norm for me to Love and be Loved,
and to love entire communities of people and be loved by entire communities of people.

I have had days when others have said so as well about me.
I can recall giving my all to create community as specific conferences
and expos during my life where I provided Soul and Spirit and things
that the owners had difficulty charging for...such as Closing Ceremonies.

Such Ceremonies evoked the Spirit of the event,
and brought present the Soul of the people at the event.
This is a Gift. This is something that flows naturally out of me
and I imagine out of many of you.

A story comes to mind from the Essene archives.
IT is a story about Jesus. It is said he was born in the
Essene community. This was a community that was based on
"normal," normal for the Soul.

The Soul expects this from birth. The Soul demands
this. Anything else is a bandaid. The Soul of Jesus
knew He needed such a community, so his Soul chose this Essene
community that was based on whole, pure, and natural ways of being.
Jesus had work to do and only 33 years to do it.
He could not spend his first 33 years outgrowing the fragmented
stuff he picked up from being born into a broken world.
So he had a childhood born into a community that understood the rules
of Soul "Normalcy."

Why am I capable of binging on food?

This is why I can binge on food:
I am attempting to fulfill some unmet need.
Sometimes I have lost hope.
I am attempting to kill myself out of this world
and get to another place where Love flows freely.
I am angry.

I am wanting to go beyond the insanity of how beautiful
this world can be and how seldom so many of us allow this beauty.

Check your own self out.
Why do you overeat?
What are you attempting to suppress,
depress, cover over?

What are you real needs and unmet needs?

This is absurd to live the way I am living,
but I keep doing it, as best I can, feeling in moments
how the possibility of how things can be,
and doing what I can--as some kind of Don Quixote--
to make carry Dare' mind wherever I can.

What stands between the flow of love?
It is the baggage most of us carry.
Only through developing our "gardening tools,"
tools to connect this world and inner worlds
will this world ever show up as "normal" for the Soul.

This morning I had an interesting experience
in the garden. I was walking around watering,
and seeing the utter possibility of this land
and how the land itself asks a community.

At least, I have land where a community can form.
a community what would love this land and love
the process of the earth becoming fruitful from the ground up.

Some imagine there is something wrong with the overgrowth
that is all over this place.
They imagine it is merely a question of cutting things back.

I think more in terms of the flow.

I would like nothing that grows here to leave this place
and go into a landfill.

I would like it to return to the earth.
I would like worms and systems in place
how labor intensive, to create compost heaps
that build up paradise from the ground up.

I have been away alot.
I have been thinking of Matt, one of my housemates.

He came home for lunch.
I said, "I realize how I have traveling a lot,
and that I realized I had been isolating a lot doing writing.
I was thinking it would be good to spend some quality time."

His response was, "I am busy too. Going to classes,
working...."

IT wasn't a response like, "yes that would be good.
Let's find time to do that in spite of how busy we both are."

I image in Dare' mind that is the kind of response
I would get.

He mentioned, he was attending classes on enzymes
and raw foods.

Vegetarianism goes with a lifestyle, I said.
I am not sure he understood what I meant.
So I said, "Dr. Jensen would say that the way to know
a person well suited to vegetarianism is that they no longer
have fight in them."

He said, "I don't agree with that!"

I thought that was funny.

He didn't really take time to understand what I was attempting to say.
He just took it in, and spit it back out, ready to argue because it
did not fit with something he had in mind.

Jensen meant that if we have fight in us, we will never be a good
vegetarian. We will burn ourselves out fighting about what we believe.
A peaceful attitude goes hand in hand with being a vegetarian, in
Jensen's book, and a vegetarian lifestyle does not give a person
to kind of fire that is used up when a person fights.

I tried to explain a little more, but was dippy toeing.

"Yes, it is all about vibration, " he said.
I agreed, but deeper down, I walked outside and wondered
if his generation--between 20-30 would ever come to know
what Earth asked from each of us.

Earth is not a thing. Earth is a Way of Living
that goes with Soul. Earth living goes with many hands
working together.

I imagine I am a round hole attempting to fit in a square
and my edges are being cut off.

We need a few housmate soon.
It will be interesting to see the kind of writing
that comes out about this. I having not given up hoping
that I can live with others in a "normal" way that feeds
both our Souls.

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