Healing Relationship History through Blogging, This is a record of the growth I gleened from being with Lover during the past eight days.

Date:   5/2/2005 2:41:11 PM ( 19 y ago)

This is May 2, 2005
I have been writing for
a number of hours.
It is close to 7 AM now.

I am gratefully at my computer
at my own desk at home.

The Journey's of April are ended.

I have a respite now--
a respite to be here.

My thoughts are on Lover.

She has left messages
for me not to be in touch
NOT by email,
NOT by phone;
She is Adamant about NOT seeing me face to face.

My half sleeping mind has been mulling
over this for a number of hours as I sleep.

Part of me went to bed disturbed.

Now in my mind's eye,
I see a Clearing...
a clearing, a place in a forest.
The sun is shining
and the thick underbrush
is hacked away.

I know through writing now,
I will come more into that Clearing.

I reflect here on the amazing
experiences of this most recent
encounter with the body, mind, and emotions
of a woman who is very likely my soul mate
or one of them.

My spiritual insight this early morning
is that two people yearn to connect physically.

Lovers are destined to do that.
When they connect, one enters a box...
a cut off place of limitation
where all life lessons--
core life lessons--await RE MEMBER ING.

If two people have the courage to keep in the game--
to keep in the real game--
to be Big enough to continue to listen to each other,
the Box--the Pandora's Box--
has the potential to turn into a Birth Canal--
a true vestibule of connection between Heaven and Earth--
between the Highest and Lowest Chakras.

Through sex, we can do chakra clearing.

All relationship--all sexua| connection
between two people--has the potential to be
a Journey of Awakening,

Those who can sustain successful sex
and successful relationship
are willing to take this journey--
or they make some other agreement
not to push each other's buttons....
they make deals.

This journey of Awakening thorugh Sex
can be a terrifying journey. Is touches
some of our deepest core issues of childhood trauma
and other trauma we have taken on as adults.
This energy of this trauma come up
when we are intimate with
others and our selves.

The journey of intimacy
asks great courage.
The benny is pleasure,
and being loved and being loving,
but with the pleasure
comes the potential of pain.

In this Clearing,
It is here where I choose to stand now.

Felice Dunas, an excellent acupuncturist
and master teacher of sexuality,
in her book Passion Play,
describes the anatomy of the vagina
and penis.

When two people connect,
they literally touch various organs--
such as kidneys, liver, heart and more.
Each of these organs have specific locations.
The Chinese--in their ancient mastership
of sex--detailed these locations.

The male penis and the vagina are
anatomically opposite energetically.

To touch the heart of the man,
a woman need only spend time on the head of the penis.

For a man to touch the heart of a woman,
he must go deep, for the heart is enclosed
within the deepest reaches of a woman.
He must pass through Trust Issues.
he must pass through giving her Space issues.
He must pass through and have breakthroughs
with all the issues that are in her box.

Many of these issues are poetically expressed in
The Seven Love Cures.

http://www.lesliegoldman.com/Worlds_Greatest_Lovers/id33.htm

When a woman has sex but does not'
allow her vulnerable heart to be touched,
this causes heart disease.

The Seven Love Cures
can prove so very valuable in preventing this heart condition.

A woman by nature wants to connect,
but if she does not receive the words that
she needs to hear, her heart is not touched fully.
Sex without allowing her self to have her heart
touched fully, leads to dis ease in a woman.

In between touching her heart and the entrance
to the vagina
are many organs that will be stimulated
and many "Boxed' up energies,
long buried, long contained will be stimulated
and giving expression.

As in any healing crisis,
these energies will be released
and they will travel through the mind
where the feelings will be felt.
and "thrown" up and out.

Most of these issues are stimulated
by the relationship, but their source
goes way back in time and is buried
in the cellular memory.

The potential exists that
these apparent breakdowns
in communications and understanding
can turn to breathroughts into more
and more life.

The pandora's box of unheard feelings
and suppressed emotions
can truly turn into a birth canal.

These buried feelings must be felt..

If the couple can open up communication.
They can create the space for both to heal.

in the case of a woman and man
who are fragmented and split--
in others words full of contradictions--
--and who among us is not in the day--
the Prize from Love Making
is the GIft of a tremendous transformation.

In order to reach that transformation,
the Couple will go through lots of
growth processes.

For now,
Lover--is not willing to do that with me.

Who knows if she will ever do that with me at all.

I only sense that I am in a space
where I know I could be there
for all of her to express.

I am grateful for her allowing
her self to feel her heart---
for having a change of heart that allowed
this in our relationship that has had a
lot of distancing this past year.
We connected physically
on the Second night of Passover
this year, Sunday a week ago, just
as we connected last year at this same time.
We did not have sex in between.

In our lovemaking this year, as
usual, I experienced both sides of her--
both sides of The Gemini Twins
that she is.

This year, she expressed more awareness
that she has these two sides-

One side YES to Love.
The other says NO

NO is a critical
lesson for a woman--and a man-- to learn,
as much as saying YES.

I experienced her most lovely nature.
I experienced our intimacy "rubbing against"
--triggering--a sense of deep neediness in her.

She ranted and berated herself for feeling
this neediness. She wanted no part of it,
but it was in her box.

The next day we made Love,
Love-- the Great Healer---
gave me deep healing.

By morning, she was again ready to bolt.
The other Gemini Twin was out.

She spoke truthfully.
I told her how my experience of her connecting
and then disconnecting made me feel
as if I were being allowed in the garden
and then being kicked out again.

She heard me.
Her response was:
Should not hold back what I am feeling,
even if I feel like bolting?

I told her NO, do not hold back.
Let me hear it.

The abandonment stutt,
I know this is my Box.

This is my
abandonment stuff that is being transformed.
Within hours, I saw this as my opportunity--
to go beyond this abandonment pattern
that stems from the death of my mother when
I was 12.

For her, She spoke of not wanting to be trapped.

I told her she did not have to be trapped.
she could speak her truth. She could ask for
what she wanted. I knew that within our revised
relationship, she could get her needs for space
met, and we could still be physically intimate.

I was not willing to settle for less.

She spoke of not wanting to hurt me.

Being hurt is a choice of the "Other."

All a person can do, is tell their truth
and be grateful they have a partner who is BIG
enough to listen without activating their own
grown stuff.

I was so grateful that she was telling her truth.

I felt we made an amazing breakthough by the time
I left to continue my Passover Journey from Egypt
into the Promised land--

(See my Blog on Passover
if you want more info on these metaphors:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=192

I heard her.
I knew that if we called whatever came up
GOOD, we would both have amazing transformations.

I left imaging that she heard me.
I let imagining that she also would also call it GOOD.

Over the next week, I did not hear from her.
For a number of those days, I had consciously
decided not to call her.

I knew that of stuff would be coming up.
I imagined--that true to form--the woman who said
YES--would be in her saying NO mode.

As days passed, I was still in the miracle that we had
physically connected after almost a year of physical
and emotional distancing.

Toward the end of the week, I could not read my
emails--gratefully-- in retrospect.

If I had, I sense my energies would have been
clouded during the incredible healing
I did at Judy Levy's
at Eva's
with my Dad,
and at the Passover Retreat this last weekend.

These are all writing up in Blogs....

http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=194

http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=201

http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=202


I did write some Blogs about her, and I emailed these
to her through CureZone. At the same time,
I could not read anything she might have written
on my regular email server.

Yesterday, Sunday, I called her.
A week at passed.
There was an opportunity to visit.
I had no expectations.

I wanted to continue our healing,
our Awakening.

Then, I was able to read emails.
I discovered an email from her.
She felt violated. She was enraged.

When she was in her YES mode,
I has asked her to co write with me
about our relationship. She was in agreement
to do this. She went so far as to sign up
for CureZone. She choose the name Lover.
She wrote me two comments.

At the same time,
On her Blog, she had written a two page
relationahip history about us.

Her Blog includes
her photo and real name.

I copied her writings about us into my Blog.
I wanted to give her perspective.

I felt sqeemish about reprinted her words on my Blog
for a number of reasons.

I felt revealed and somewhat exposed.

I did not wanted to link to her site because
I wanted to protect her name.

In hindsight, patience would have been more
appropropriate.

Asking permission has been an issue for us
right along. Being more sensitive would have been
appropriate.

It was a Big Issue.

It brought up all her feelings of distrust.
"I do not Trust you.
I do not Trust you.
I do not Trust you."
She left in a message on my phone.

In truth, I imagine any man given the gift
of being intimate with Lover
with have to pass over and through
and through this issue of
Trust.

Trust is an issued trapped in the Box.

She asked that I take her Blog of my site.
I have done that.

I am so grateful for the experiences
with Lover this past week.

The issue of Trust is in my box too,
and I know we are Mirrors for each other.

Right now that Mirror is broken.

I know that one of the easiest ways for Lover
to do her avoidance with me or anyone is through
Anger and Rage. Even she has admitted to this.
If she can summon enough Anger, she is justified
in cutting off intimacy.

Through Anger and Rage she does not have
to deal with the issues in her Box.

For the past month, I have been going back into my past.

I have been retracing my steps.

I have been picking up pieces.

I expressed, from my point of view,
elements of the relationship I wanted with Lover.
I told her I had taken my stand that I would not
go back relating where we were friends, but not
intimate.

I felt we were in agreement that we would go slow
and allow the relationship to set up its own agreements.

If felt we had made significant progress.
I see where I went too fast.

For her, she is a private person.
She does not want to be reading every step about us on
the internet. I understand what she is saying.

At the same time,
She is writing about us on her Blog.

Go figure. It is The Gemini Twins.

At the same time, I see a great capacity to doing
healing--through each of us Blogging and writing
about what we are experiencing with each other.

I am also stunned by the things she has written
on her recent blogs about our last hours together.
Her experience and my experience were really quite different.

It is good to hear her honest feelings even though
it brings up distrust in me as well.
I mean, do I really want to be with a woman
who feels this way?

It sounds in part as if she were really using me;
but then I am using her as well as a catalyst for my spiritual growth.

I hope she continues to do clearing on her Blog about us.
I am not sure if I will read them,
but I know this is good for her to do.

I believe that expressing our feelings
is critical to good health,
and our feelings are not all pretty.

For now, Lover has had her request
for me to not be in touch.

Some day
this most incredible woman
with incredible gifts of writing,speaking,
and above all, Loving,
will find her way into the clearing.
For all I know she is there now.

I bless this woman that
her Boxed in issues and her sexual
channel turns into a birth canal
for her self and her partner.

I am grateful for all I have received from
her in the past week.

There was a time when I was so ridden
with adandonment issues that at times when
Lover cut off communications--
as she did last night--
that I would find it hard to breathe.
I would feel panicy.

This all comes from the abandonment I felt when
my mother died when I was 12.

I am so grateful to Lover
for being intimate with me this past week.

I can see how much growth I have done.
I am not feeling panicy.
I am truly healing my childhood trauma issues.

Through the gift of knowing Lover,
I am becoming free.

I am most grateful I have taken time to Blog
about this. I hope she does the same.

It feels so good to be writing, rather than
stuffing. I am grateful I feel no need to be in
touch with her.

I Bless this very special woman.
and move on to enjoy my week.

###


For free Love Poems and the opportunity
to learn The Seven Love Cures,
please see:

http://www.lesliegoldman.com/Worlds_Greatest_Lovers/id74.htm


This Blog is part of a Thread:


See related Blog thread here:

Sex Side Effects:

http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=190

I am Open and Receptive:

http://curezone.com/blogs/c/c.asp?d=150

Our Relationship History
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=198

Letting Go...Saying Goodbye:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=189

taking in the Good:

http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=184

Looking Forward, Not Back!
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=183

Self Inflicted Pain:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=8


To see more photos from the Coming Out Party
for The Seven Love Cures
and to join the campaign to create
more enlightened Lovers in the world,
join Mother Earth's World Greatest Lovers Program
here:

http://www.lesliegoldman.com/Worlds_Greatest_Lovers/id74.htm


The image below is from Judy
Levy's web site:

The image below is featured on Judy
Levy's Vision Page;

http://www.loveboutique.biz/21st_century_goddess.php


#54 5:30 PM 5/2/05
#77 2:40 PM 5/3/05



 

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