Going forward, not back. Mixed feelings this morning.

Date:   4/22/2005 11:10:36 AM ( 19 y ago)

I am feeling the pain this morning of wanting to go back,
not go forward.

Back was slavery, forward is freedom.

This is the theme of the Passover, the Jewish holiday
with many esoteric universal Kabbalistic meanings
if a person looks deeper.

The traditional Passover begins Saturday and runs for eight days.
The journey out of blockages and enslavements is
a path we each are called to take.
What a wonderful moment in time for each of us
in the CureZone to explore this energy of going
from enslavements to freedom.

On the surface, this is a story of slaves leaving Egypt and
leading for the promised land.

They must spend 40 years wandering through the desert to
get themselves purified.

This is similar to many of us, who are drawn
to cleansing regimens in our pursuit of health--

Health is a state of consciousness.
It is living in the Promised Land.
It is living in the Enchanted Garden.
The Promised Land is the Enchanted Garden.

I am looking around the garden here.
I am so lucky.

I have a garden. I am living in paradise.
Paradise here is overgrown.
The plants are in command.
There are messes.

If you came here and loved this land a bit, with me,
if you came here and espressed your beautiful female
spirit, I know the place would shape up.

Am I so out of place imagining I can have paradise right here?

Am I too off, imagining I can have the love I would like at home?

I am all booked up for the next week..

I am geared up and committed to travel up to LA one more time
for the Passover. I have two Seders--the ritualized meal that
remembers the journey.

I am thinking this is the week I will spend some time with my father,
and do some healing work. I want to express the ideas that I wrote about
here:

http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=140

In some sense, it feels like I am leaving paradise to go back into Egypt.
I am going back to pick up some pieces,
and yet I know the Seeds of the Promised Land are right here.
They just need tending and being loved.

I have been having thoughts this week of reaching out
to my former Beloved.

Part of the inspiration for this surrounds events that happened
last weekend at the MEGA Book Marketing University with Mark Victor Hansen.

I was launched in my professional career as a writer,
launched in a very big way.

I have waited my Whole Life for this moment!!!!

And now it has happened, and now I need to settle down and take it in.

(Wow!!! I just heard from Wendy about how it is suppose to rain...
I can feel some chilly air coming through the window,
a shift in the temperature, and as I write this it is starting to rain.

At the MEGA event, I reconnected with Peter Vegso of Health Communications, Inc.
We have been exploring publishing me for more than 12 years or so. HCI published
Chicken Soup for the Soul, 100 million sold. I have long sensed they would be my publisher.
The personal relatiionship is definitely there.

And then, in the evening at MEGA I connected with a fun-loving publisher named Walter
who brings to life some titilating books that are erotic and educational.

There is a side of my writings on the shelf that are definitely this, and Walter
is very much interested.

The interactions with Walter bring my former Lover to mind.
She wrote some incredible erotic poems and sent lots of delicious emails
during our honeymoon phase.

I am also having the most difficult time getting her out of my system.
So, I figured that rather than avoiding, I would contact her and ask if she would
like to enter a "strictly business" relationship where she responds to my thoughts
and writings related to our relationship.

She is a straight shooter. She speaks her truth.
I can imagine getting my power back
in that relationship by further interacting and engaging in it on paper.
This could be very enlightening, and it could produce a very interesting
book. I love to explore a woman's mind and she has one of the most facinating
minds. She has the capacity to really get under my skin.

There are places inside me that are not at peace with her.

It is a gift anytime we allow anyone that close that they can get under our skin.

There is always the chance that when we do we will lose more energy than we gain.
My history as a writer is that every time I have engaged with my own growth material
highly creative things as well as growth comes out.

But then, maybe this is a trap.

And so I call one of my main allies Judy Levy, who gives me support about going through the feelings
of this "divorce" rather than going back.

It feels very painful. I am not sure if it is my style.

I really need to get into this day. I need to open to some fresh energy.

I hear the trash man coming down the street.

I think I am going to load up some cans.

Thanks for listening,
Your Enchanted Gardener
Leslie



 

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