This is the story of the feelings I had when I first began 'to break down when the condition that years later was diagnosed as arthritis. These are the feelings that were in my head. These are feelings I am in touch with now at the time of my 40th High School ReUnion.

Date:   4/12/2005 11:39:52 PM ( 19 y ago)

It is said that for everyone who lived through that day,
we remember where we were.
I remember being on the way to Dr. Greenstadt's
chemistry class. It was greek to me.

I was already suffering with hip pain.
I imagine I was in the 11th grade.

Somehow, because of my natural affinity,
I excelled in biology. Many of the smart kids
were in that class, and they natural progressed
on the chemistry and higher levels of math.

I was good in nature, but I had a learning disability
when it came to math and this applied to chemistry
as well.

I was trying as hard as I could.
Ida, my stepmother, was with us then,
or rather, I was camped out in the living room
of our apartment.

In the morning, I remember being awakened by vacuuming.
Then, I would go to school.
First period I had gym class.

I was never a fast athlete although I had a mentality
that demanded I be the best at everything I did.

I had a difficult time living up to my own expectations.

I had a sense of being pushed my entire life.

I never got to be the age I was.

When I was eight, I remember my father saying
"Don't cry! You are almost nine!"
When I was nine, it was don't cry, you are almost ten!"

I remember sitting around the kitchen table with my mom,
trying to figure out math problems.

I tried and tried, but the only thing that was getting work
up was my anxiety levels.

I could not understand why I was not good enuf.

I could not understand what I could not make sense of these
math problems.

The morning I first felt pain in my hip, the coach
was clocking us around the track.

Ida was vaccuuming me up.
There was no place to study at home,
and no place to sleep I could call my own.

The coach was yelling out the times.
I was running as fast as I could.

I broke down.

I remember the feeling of going as fast as I could.
I remember the feeling of doing as best as I knew
but it was not good enuf.

The day JFK died, we had a chemistry class.
I remember crying in the hall, and limping in with hip pain.

I remember sitting down to take the test and having nothing make sense.

When the semester came close to the ten week mark, I remember getting
a failure notice. Dr. Greenstadt looked at me and wanted me the notice.

I will never forget the feeling.

He said I could have done better.
I remember feeling really bad,
because I was going as fast as I could.

Your Enchanted Gardener

The image below was taken
on the Saturday night of my ReUnion.
I generally can get better copies with my camera.
That was the energy.
This is the man who gave an F in chemistry.
I dropped out. I felt discouraged and blocked
from the future I imagined was mine.
Parts of my body shut down.

____

This is where you will find the story of my 30th High School ReUnion
that begins this series about a Radical Healing surrounding my 40th ReUnion:
http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=120

 

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