Fiercely angry. I feel sadness stopping at Whole Foods and seeing all the products I love on the shelf, and so many heart and soul people I never saw at the show because I was doing too much. Could I have prepared any better? And then there is coming home, having spent so much energy and really achieved so much, where are the nurturing arms to meet me as they might have been here in earlier times of my life? My first day back was a day when doing nothing but feeling the the feminine moving through the garden would have been enough to do--instead I stressed to work, and work, and work....and ended the day with angry eating.

Date:   3/24/2005 9:43:34 AM ( 19 y ago)

I better be careful this morning. I better not endulge in too much writing about emotions and feelings. There is too much too do. I have two deadllines today. One is getting in a revised 1500 word shortened version of the Enchanted Garden Intentional Community--where I live--for the new Fellowship for Community Directory that will be produced this summer. 2. I have to wrap up the new camera I bought, make sure it all looks as good as possible, and go to Fry's electronic to make a return. I wonder if they will keep their word to take it back? I wonder if there is a restocking fee? AND THEN, AND THEN, the tour to Dr. Jensen's ranch is three days away. I am late getting the word out...and last night...when I could have spent time on that...I blew off my time taking an image of the most incredibly deep and beautiful woman--Renee Terese Plasky--and combinging this image with some words from "Because She is a Woman."

I did this deep down to emmerse myself in something creative, to immerse myself is the energy of a woman who at peace. I thought perhaps it might be a greeting card, or a new kind of art for sale, I am not sure from the feedback I received so far.

In any case, what was a doing with my precious time last NIGHT?????

Yikes, xxx was in my energy field, or at least, the sadness of missing some soft, sweet, communication with an dear friend. Thank God, at least, I realize that there is NOT a safe place to go, and rarely was a safe place to go if I needed anything. NEED? NEED? NEED? I need? That was enough to send her Gemini split off in another direction as fast as her legs could run, EVEN, EVEN, EVEN if, if, we had been making love within the last 12 hours. That was the pattern...touch and run. Touch and run...and by all means, whatever, whatever, don't have needs because that means I am needy, and who the F**K wants a man who is feeling need of love???? Something is screwy about this picture, and maybe it is not all about me.

Some people actually imagine the needs are normal, and wanting to share intimacy when you are full as well as empty are part of a relationship. I cannot say fully. All I know is, it makes sense that a woman wants a man when he has something extra to give. There are are times when she is so depleted, she can hardly take care of herself.

Of course, this makes perfect sense. Each person should be responsible for their own energy...it is important not to take...but somewhere there is a balance between giving and taking. For many of us, it is more easier to give...and we generally give to the other before we give to ourselves.


So remember that Winchell's donut shop that I almost stopped at on my way out of xxx's neighborhood, the afternoon I was leaving that country? Guess what showed up on our community shelf late last night at a time when I decided to unload my car with negative minus energy.

Yes, you guessed it. The neighbors wanted to give a little gift for a favor done recently, so a whole box of those glaze donuts I ate only while leaving xxx's neighborhood were on the kitchen counter!!!!!!

I ate three of them...soft, mushy...sweet, glazed, white sugary whole in the middle donuts. What the F**K!!!! Who cares?

So today...I get up and attempt to remember some of the other reasons I am alive.

I clear some desk. I sweep water off the back porch from the rain. I find a beautiful squash on the back porch that is not completely composting. I scoop it up into a bucket and take time to feed it to the earthworms.

Then I go down to the lower garden, and pick one of the sniffer roses--an old fashioned fragrant rose that is about to bud. I put in in a vase for my desk.

And how about the nectarine tree????? I am so pissed...the slugs age my ritual!!!! They ate the five buds that I was recording from day to day. It reminds me of the time
I came home from a trip, and my dog had run away!!! OR did they give it away?

So I cut the top of a Pavich yellow raisin lid, and attach it to one of the few remaining flower buds, and fill the top with salt. Hopefully, this will protect this one bud...

Is nothing safe in this world?


breathe, Goldman, breathe.

The bi-annual Angelica is looking really good and is going to give seeds in late May, and the guava tree is full of chi and will give a tremendous crop...(but wasn't that the tree where I took photos of xxx? yuck!)

Where is the beauty in the world.

Or there is a picture of Kat James:

http://www.Informedbeauty.com

Wow! What an incredible energy she is!
Unbelievably beautiful...I took her photo
at the Teeccino Anivesary party. Stunning.
Lovely. Take that in, Goldman.

I have to go to the bathroom.


Go read a nice poem, Leslie.
Times are really getting good,
so appreciate and smell the roses.

Your Enchanted Gardener

 

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