This is a Moment of Awakening. I am 13 days from my first public outing of the year. I have been fretting about xxx for the last 24 hours. I spent the day clearing and cleaning. It is near time to shift gears and let new life in.

Date:   3/4/2005 8:37:28 AM ( 19 y ago)

In the midst of my dark hour,
I awaken to realize there is
nothing wrong with me.
I don't need to be changed from anything.
I don't need to recover from anything.
I need to discover something.
I need to discover I am the form
this beloved universe created for
this moment to evolve itself.

From the Opening stanza of
Moment of Awakening
©, 2005, lesliegoldman.com

It is 6:19 AM Friday morning. I have been up for about
an hour with fresh inspiration. I am amazed how many times you can say goodbye to the same person. All it takes is a little contact and I am right back into the feelings as if I never said goodbye at all. The abandonment issues are deeply ingrained in my body cells and deeper. I had this sensation
of dying, of literally dying, as if something vital was being taken away. All this came from reading the email that xxx
sent...(See Self Inflicted Suffering:

http://curezone.com/blogs/m.asp?f=92&i=8 )

I am amazed how I have gotten acclimatized by this last
relationship to a life of little pleasure, little time over the phone, no time in person. My intimate life has gotten incredibly small, and I know I am the one that did this to me.

I am waking up. I am waking up early getting back to the place where I said goodbye and do not want contact. I am thinking maybe a week before birthdays we can check in,
but I definitely want to get back into the place where I am
welcoming an open space for something new to enter.

I spent the day yesterday gifting myself with clearing
a drawer for office supplies. In order to do this that meant
emptying out a bunch of those pretty design papers. I seldom use many of these anymore. Right now the closet space where a whole box of them was stored for more than a year feels more valuable that keeping them in my room.

I am not yet ready to toss them. In the basement they go.

My closet is really coming along, all the sheets off the floor,
and a box of negatives I will go through today.

I am going to gift myself a whole empty space where the windows to my desk were blocked by notebooks and clutter.

And then, I have to get busy answering some questions
about a photography assignment I will do for the Organic
Trade Association at the Natural Products Expo West. in Anaheim March 17-20.

I am amazed that in the midst of my dark hour yesterday,
I went out into the front garden to be met my a Pink Rock Rose flower, the first of the season.

When I have time, I am going to show some photos of that flower here, and write up some research on how to make a flower essence that heals terror and shock.

More later...time to get some more rest, and then
thoroughly enjoy this day.

Your Enchanted Gardener

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