An upseting incident and realisations.

Date:   2/24/2005 1:01:47 PM ( 19 y ago)

I have realised that I really do not want to live in this world.
I've tried to kill myself many times (mainly between the ages of 13 and 15). But I'd managed to convince myself that I just wasn't thinking clearly then, didn't realise the consequences of what I was doing. But that's not true. At this moment two sharp pulls of a blade seem preferable to continuing this existance.

One of my best friend ran away from home again yesterday. I got a message on my phone of him crying and screaming at me to pick up, to please be in. I couldn't ring him back, he'd rung from a call center in town. I was worried about him but somehow this caused me to get upset about totally unrelated stuff, about the fact that I am living for other people, not me. I want to be free. I want to be happy. I never will be. I think nothingness must be better than this pain.
But I didn't kill myself last night (obviously). My room-mate was there. I couldn't find the energy to take the knife from my pocket. I wanted Mike (my friend) to have someone to ring. I can't leave him to face this world alone. He has gone through hell and I promised myself a long time ago that I would not fail him like everyone else has done. I didn't want to hurt the people who care about me.(Includeing my boyfriend who has nightmares about me dying). I didn't want to tramatize whoever finds me.
So I wanted to. But I didn't.
I still want to. But I wont.

Mike went back home by the way.

 

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