As we move along the path to increased coherency, the mirroring aspect of relationships is invaluable.

Date:   3/26/2006 8:39:46 PM ( 18 y ago)

Are Relationships Our Mirrors?

Are Relationships
Our Mirrors?
by Shakti Gawain

If we learn to see our relationships as the wonderfully accurate
mirrors they are, revealing to us where we need to go with our own inner
process, we can see much about ourselves that we would otherwise have a
great deal of difficulty learning.

One of the biggest differences between the path of the material world,
the path of transcendence, and the path of transformation is in how we
view our relationships.

On the material path we see relationships as an end in themselves. We
form relationships of various kinds in order to satisfy our needs for
love, companionship, security, stimulation, sexua| fulfillment, financial
stability, and so on. Our focus tends to be on the external form of the
relationship and on what is being exchanged, be it friendship, work,
affection, respect, money, or security. Because we view relationships
primarily in the light of getting needs met, we tend to try to control
them, to try to make them the way we want them. Consciously or
unconsciously, we try to manipulate other people in order to get what we want from
them. The control we assert limits how we experience our relationships.

On the path of transcendence, relationships are often viewed as
impediments that keep us from evolving beyond the physical form. Because our
relationships bring out all of our human feelings, needs, and emotional
attachments, they are seen as distractions and thus detrimental to our
spiritual journey. People who are seriously committed to the
transcendent path try to stay as unattached as possible. Since sexuality is such
a strong force physically and emotionally, involving our animal
instincts and human feelings, it is often looked upon as the opposite of
spirituality. Therefore, many devotees of the transcendent path either take
a vow of celibacy and try to avoid sex altogether, or they try to
transmute it into a "higher" energy, following sacred disciplines that keep
the experience focused on its spiritual aspects.

Embracing Our Humanness
On the path of transformation we embrace both our humanness and our
spirituality. Instead of attempting to escape or ignore them, we honor our
human needs for relationship, and we learn to be more conscious of how
to communicate those needs and how to take good care of ourselves and
each other in the process. We also recognize that we are spiritual
beings, not limited to our human form and emotions, but connected to the
unlimited oneness of the universe. Rather than denying our sexuality, we
embrace it as one of the most important expressions of our life force.

On the path of transformation there is a further vital step we must
take, one that allows us to have a different perspective on relationships
than we would if we followed a material or spiritual path. On the
transformational path we need to recognize that our relationships can be
powerful mirrors, reflecting back to us what we need to learn. When we
learn how to use these reflections, our relationships can become one of
the most powerful avenues we have for becoming conscious.

Our primary relationship is really with ourselves. Each of us is
involved in developing all aspects of our being and bringing them into
relationship with one another -- becoming whole. Our relationships with other
people continually reflect exactly where we are in that process. For
example, for many years I yearned to find the right man to be my life
partner. I created many relationships with men who were unavailable or
inappropriate in certain ways. Eventually, I realized they were reflecting
my own inner ambivalence about committed relationship and the ways that
I didn't truly love myself. It was only after I did some deep emotional
healing work, learning to truly love and be committed to myself, that I
met a wonderful man who is now my husband.

If we learn to see our relationships as the wonderfully accurate
mirrors they are, revealing to us where we need to go with our own inner
process, we can see much about ourselves that we would otherwise have a
great deal of difficulty learning. Any and every relationship in our lives
-- with our friends, co-workers, neighbors, our children and other
family members as well as our primary partners -- can be a reflection to us
in this way. Even an encounter with a stranger can sometimes be an
important learning experience.

It's very difficult to look inside ourselves and see what's going on in
there -- particularly to see what we're unaware o£ That's why it's
important to look at our relationships as mirrors of our inner processes.
Used in this way, relationships become one of the most valuable sources
of healing and teaching in our lives. To understand how this works, we
need to remind ourselves that we each, through our individual
consciousness, create and shape how we experience external reality. This is as
true in our relationships as in every other area of our lives -- the
relationships we create and shape reflect back to us what we are holding
within our consciousness. We draw to us and are drawn to people who
match and reflect some aspect of ourselves.

Generally, we find that the easiest people to get along with are those
who reflect aspects of ourselves that we feel comfortable with and
accept -- reflections of our primary selves, or complementary energies that
we appreciate. These are usually people who we consciously seek out or
are drawn to in everyday friendship. If you are primarily a physically
active person who loves sports, you may feel most comfortable with
people who are similarly athletic. On the other hand, you may also enjoy a
relationship with a friend who is somewhat more intellectual and less
physical than you because it stretches your mind in a way that you
accept and enjoy -- it stimulates a less-developed aspect of you in a way
that is comfortable and non-confrontational. Your friend is reflecting
your intellectual self, and you may be reflecting his or her physical or
athletic self. In this case, you are both comfortable with the
reflections you are receiving, so the relationship is a harmonious one.

Do Opposites Repel or Attract?

The people in our lives who make us uncomfortable, who annoy us, who we
feel judgmental or even combative toward, reflect parts of ourselves
that we reject -- usually aspects of our disowned selves, the shadow side
of our personality. If you are a gentle, soft-spoken person, you may be
very irritated by a person who seems loud and pushy. Or if you are a
direct, outspoken person you may feel uncomfortable with those who hold
back and seem overly timid. The fact is that in both cases you are
mirroring each other's disowned energies. The quiet person is being shown
their undeveloped assertive side, and the aggressive person is being
shown their undeveloped reflective side.

Oftentimes we find ourselves attracted to our opposites -- people who
have developed opposite qualities from the ones we most identify with.
In these relationships, we are unconsciously seeking to become whole,
and drawn to people who express those energies that are undeveloped in
our own personalities. On some level, we recognize that they have the
potential to help us become more balanced.

People who express our opposite aspects can be our most powerful
teachers if we allow them to be. But first we must acknowledge that they
express what we need to develop in ourselves. Early in a relationship, we
often sense that the other person is bringing us exactly what we need.
It is, in fact, their differentness that is so attractive to us.
However, unless we are able to acknowledge that this person is offering us a
reflection of something we need to see in ourselves, the differentness
that drew us to them can become a major source of conflict. After a
while, we may begin to resent them for the ways they are different and
begin trying to change them to be more like us!

Of course, it's important in any relationship to learn constructive
ways to communicate honestly about our needs, our likes and dislikes, and
so forth. However, along with letting the other person know our
feelings, including ways we might wish they would change, we need to remind
ourselves that we brought them into our lives to teach and inspire us to
develop new aspects of ourselves. Our challenge, then, is to be open to
discovering the parts of ourselves that they mirror for us, and to
learn how we can express those parts of ourselves more in our own lives.

Difficulties we are having in our relationships often mirror parts of
ourselves that we need to heal. Such difficulties may involve a family
member, a close friend, a coworker, or even people with whom we have
only a brief encounter, such as a clerk in a store.

If you are having difficulty with a present relationship, or if you
frequently encounter certain kinds of difficult people -- for example, a
needy person or a person who doesn't respect your boundaries -- take a
moment to look closely at what they are reflecting.

Begin by closing your eyes and relaxing for a few moments. Then bring
to mind a difficult relationship. Think about what, exactly, bothers you
about this person. What quality or trait does this person have that
makes you uncomfortable or that you judge?

Once you have identified the quality or qualities that bother you, ask
yourself what the positive aspect or essence of that quality might be.
For example, if you see them as lazy, what could be the positive aspect
of laziness? It could be the ability to relax.

Ask yourself how it might benefit you to develop a bit more of that
quality in yourself. Could it help you find more balance in your life? If
you are judging someone as lazy, for example, chances are you are a
very active, driven type of person who could benefit from developing a
greater ability to relax. This person is a mirror, reflecting the disowned
quality of relaxation to you, so that you can become more aware of what
you need to develop.

Here are some other examples: If you find someone too needy, they may
be reflecting the disowned part of you that has emotional needs. You may
be too identified with strength and self-sufficiency and need to get
more in touch with your vulnerability. If you find someone too
domineering, perhaps you are overly timid and need to develop more assertiveness.
If you judge someone as selfish, it's possible that you are too giving.

Remember that you don't need to become like this person. They may be
too far to the extreme or expressing themselves in a distorted way.
However, you can use the discomfort of this relationship to help you
discover the essential qualities you need to develop in order to feel more
whole and fulfilled.

Once you have identified what quality this person is reflecting to you,
imagine yourself having integrated more of that quality in yourself.
Imagine yourself more able to relax, for example, or more able to show
your vulnerability in close relationships, or more assertive, or more
able to receive.

 

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