Getting coherent and running with harmomny requires one to look at the code that runs our personality. Clarity and true meaningful purpose awaits when we do the work of getting clear.

Date:   3/21/2006 6:49:39 AM ( 18 y ago)

Getting to the Promise of Affirmation
by Larry Ackerman

*excerpted from The Identiy Code


Who am I? is a question that has been asked in various ways
by everyone from great philosophers such as Plato and Aristotle to
decidedly not-so-famous people: that jumble of "regular folk" who make
their lives in the far-flung cities, towns, and villages we call home.
Asking the question Who am I? makes kin of us all.

At times, you may pose the question in calm, contemplative
moments, like when you're strolling along the beach at sunset as waves
lap at your feet. In these moments, arriving at the answer isn't
necessarily the urgent matter; rather, it is a moment of reflection, a
"time-out" from the incessant demands of your daily life. In this sense,
asking the question Who am I? is like a small luxury you bestow upon
yourself, much as you might allow yourself a favorite treat, but only on rare
occasions.

At other times, you might ask the question around the fires
of growing despair. Your job has become meaningless and boring. Your
daily routine seems tedious and empty. The affiliations you've relied
upon to define yourself no longer seem sufficient.

Am I not a Jones, a Stern, a Tanaka, you may ask - the
child of a good family? Am I not a loyal Christian, a pious Jew, a devout
Muslim? Am I not American? Or Turkish? Or Japanese, or Indian? Am I not,
at least, a hardworking employee? Are these things not enough? If not,
who am I then? Not surprisingly, your question begs for an answer. It
never comes.

In fact, you may be any combination of these things; for
instance, a Jones, a Christian, and a hardworking American. But none of
these labels answers the question Who am I? That is because, despite
their importance in how you define yourself, these labels serve to mask
rather than reveal who you are at your core. Apart from being a member of
any of these groups, you are, in the words of Walt Whitman, "a simple,
separate person," independent of the customs, cultures, and conventions
society imposes.

This may be a difficult notion to grasp. It may confound
your view of how the world works. It may even cause you to lose your
balance, if not your way. Still, it is the truth. Embrace it and you will
find fresh footing that is sturdier and more reliable than what you have
experienced in the course of your life so far.

Don't be afraid that once you've stripped away the labels,
there will be nothing there. Such fear is unfounded. You are not your
labels. You simply are. Learn to appreciate yourself in your most
elemental form, free, if only for a moment, of the social markings we all
rely on to delineate where we fit in the world.

Locating this sense of self is like being born anew. At its
fullest, this sensation will make everything around you seem intensely
vibrant and animated - as though you are encountering life for the
first time. What you are sensing, however, aren't the things around you; it
is yourself in a heightened state of awareness. Discovering that you
are here in the spiritual sense connects you to the very roots of
consciousness: I am here. I exist.

As I was working to decipher my own identity code, I would
often repeat to myself, I am Larry Ackerman. Not Larry, son of Jack and
Anne. Not Larry, the American, the Jew, or the consultant, or any one
of a dozen other labels I could claim. Simply Larry Ackerman - the man,
the human being. This rudimentary exercise kept me centered. It kept me
from taking the easy way out and just accepting the stamps society put
on me before I even knew that it had happened. Finding your "I" is the
exhilarating and necessary first step in beginning your identity
journey.

The answer to the question Who am I? brings with it the
promise of affirmation - nothing less than the awakening of your spirit.
It is no great feat to verify that you exist in physical terms. Your
five senses do this for you automatically. It is something else entirely,
however, to experience yourself as aware and awake, separate from the
flesh, bones, and breath we take for granted as standard signs of life.

You are not your labels. You simply are.

Experiencing this confirmation of life is a prelude to
everything else you will learn and do in relation to your identity. Once
you have found this feeling of life, you will be ready to discover your
uniqueness as an individual and the potential it implies for how you
ultimately engage the world.

Define Yourself as Separate from All Others

Within each of us lies the innate if unconscious knowledge
that if we know who we are, we will know why we are here. We will have
found our natural gyroscope, which will guide us to a wonderful place
from which to engage life. On the strength of that gyroscope, all
decisions will be wise decisions, and their outcomes, no matter what
challenges or hardships may follow, will be the right ones.

It isn't surprising that the prospect of achieving such a
keen state of being leads one to ask, How can I discover who I am?

The way to know who you are is by first defining yourself
as separate from all others. Within the context of identity, separation
isn't about being physically or emotionally remote from people -
physical separation isn't especially difficult to achieve, if that is what
you desire, and emotional connections are essential for strong
relationships.

Separation is about putting some healthy distance between
yourself and other people so you can step back and see, really see,
yourself within the context of your relationships. How are you different
from your best friend, your brother, or mother, in terms of your
personality, your values, and your talents? Consider answering these questions
to be an exercise in setting boundaries that mark out turf belonging
just to you, no matter how close you are to others.




Think about separation as finding some space where you can slow down
and look at yourself and others objectively. The aim is to see people -
yourself included - through fresh eyes. The feeling separation evokes is
similar to the feeling you might have when you learn or see something
for the very first time. In that instant, you are exceptionally alert;
all of your senses are operating on edge in an effort to comprehend what
you have just encountered.

How can I discover who I am?

What you seek in separation is independence - the ability to think and
act on your own and in your own best interests, despite what others may
expect of you. Defining yourself as separate from others is about
finding your own integrity as an individual. It gives you a place to live
within relationships that is all your own, even in moments of greatest
intensity: in the sweat of a crowded locker room after a come-from-behind
victory; in heated conversation with your parent or child; or in making
love, when it seems there is only one of you.

Put plainly, before you can know who you are, you need to know who you
are not.

The act or even the prospect of separation, however, can stir strong,
unfamiliar emotions like misgivings and resistance as well as
exhilaration and hope. Each of these is a normal byproduct of the experience.

If you are like most people, the idea of separation will spark fear.
Fear of being alone, of a kind of brutal rending from your daily routine
and lifelines - the relationships you've come to count on as sources of
social oxygen. But for all the apprehension you may at first
experience, you will likely find that being able to "stand alone" strengthens
you. Facing up to the initial discomfort that aloneness may bring is a
sure sign of progress. Stay with it. It is part of your passage to
discovery.

In your efforts to find separate space, you may feel guilty that you
are turning your back on people who need you: family and friends, among
others. This response is a natural result of caring about others. It is
uncalled for, however. In fact, you are developing your powers as an
individual in your own right. Whether it takes you six months or six
years, operating from the special turf that is yours alone will enable you
to contribute to those relationships as a stronger person, with more to
give.

You may also feel you are being selfish by taking time to focus on
separation, especially with the express intent of detaching yourself from
others - parents, children, close friends, and associates - who have
given you so much. Perhaps you are. But taking this time isn't
self-indulgent; it is self-affirming. How can you give to others if you do not
also give to yourself?

What you seek in separateness is independence.

The prospect of stripping yourself, even for a moment, of the various
labels you have come to take for granted in your life, of exposing
yourself to questions rather than answers, is at the very least
anxiety-producing. It can make you feel as though there will be nothing there but
yawning, uncharted space once the quilts and comforters of longstanding
relationships are removed. But this isn't the case at all.

Know that the shivers you feel running down your spine as you consider
entering your separate space are glimmers of life, not the coming of
death. You are simply preparing the way - your way - for discovery. Your
task is to clear the path so that the contours of your identity can
become visible to your eye, unencumbered by the burden of others'
expectations.

Larry Ackerman

 

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