Contemplation

Date:   8/22/2016 8:11:24 AM ( 8 y ago)

Getting to the close of the 34th day of this journey, not sure I should call it a 'fast' though there are many kinds of fasts and it should fit in there somewhere ;) I have eaten some days, and not others, the last 'meal' I had was a couple days ago when I finished my last little lamb chop by itself, yesterday I had a piece of toast before bed and a few corn chips - a couple pieces of chocolate besides my liquid diet & today much the same minus the toast.
My energy is better and my period is just about finished, hardly anything today, it was probably the lightest one I've ever had but it got going - I guess it shows something about this fasting journey, the culmination of a lot of fasting this 2016 and my first ever winter fast which might be a more extreme time to fast. All said, I've gone very well - its just about time for a big pat on the back and to wind it back a little - transit soon to a bit more food, just a little, simple fruit and cottage cheese I'm thinking, banana and papaya or something soft... I'm not there yet, I'm thinking about it sometime soon...
I really don't want much - I've become quite content existing on little and am in no hurry to go back to consuming much more -- today I had a mexican hot choc when I woke up, then a shower, cleaned the kitchen, cleaned and vac'ed my room and the meditation room upstairs, recorded some music and listened back, drank a 1/2 a lime squeezed into soda water with a spoon and a half of raw sugar, had a big pineapple/coconut banana milk with a little sandalwood syrup I scored at an Indian grocery - amazing stuff... real sandalwood syrup, quite divine.. Then I had an avocado smoothie around dinner time, more water, a big cup of bone broth - my last one, and now it's 10:45 - getting late... rained a little today, still no yoga or bushwalking, its been a few days now, I can't say I'm being lazy - I've just been doing a lot of other things, big spring clean on my room, it hasn't looked this good and been this organized in ages - really nourished my spirit to get the house in order - it gets cluttered as I have a lot of beautiful and useful things... I didn't write my blog yesterday, got busy with a lot of buddhist practice, meditation, some cleaning and tuning in to a webcast of one of my teachers - it has been wonderful having this time to myself, I've turned inwards - achieved a much greater state of calm, peace, tranquility and positivity than I was in prior to this solitary time and have been moving a lot of energy both internally and physically with the spring cleaning.
Have been juicing less - a little, didn't make any today, but still finishing the pineapple coconut banana one... Felt a bit like warmer drinks, still haven't made a fire, just have the little heater in my room, have spent a lot more time in my room as a result but not entirely, was up in the meditation room doing practice and out in the living room recording music as well as kitchen stuff, made the rest of the seed butter filling into coconut oil choc filling today - can't eat them right now, tried a tiny taste and it was nice but just tubbed them up in a tupperware for some future time, they'll keep for ages..
Haven't done much Buddhist practice today but I did heaps the last 2 days - it's ok, I have been busy all day with my cleaning and music and also chatting with important friends. Getting tired now, really been enjoying my morning and eve hypnotic exercises again - so good for shifting my headspace and pulling myself out of that normal morning depression feeling that has plagued me too often ever since I lost my beloved muse. Ah, I think of him still, every day, often, 5 years after... I feel more peaceful just knowing that outcomes and circumstance can never change the beautiful feeling. As the best friend I ever knew once said to me - "True love is unconditional"
It's my bitterness that makes me suffer... my selfish grasping, not love. The world is so full of ignorance and tragedy - these days it seems to be overrun by it, maybe that's been the case for thousands of years while wickedness runs rampant in human beings who make war on one another and the earth and its creatures... One can imagine a world where wisdom held sway, where life unfolded as it should and could were we not so led by darkness. This world is inevitable, for it exists inside all of us - even if yet undiscovered. Then one day, time too will outrun itself.

Letting go.... remembering...
The spiritual path is not about 'getting what you want' but learning to lose gracefully...
as we will all lose everything...
all our loved ones
this precious body
our wealth & fame
reputation
the dust in our eyes

we leave our kindness behind in a million tiny gestures

we can't control how they are received...

But the great tragedy is to die
with our gifts ungiven



 

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