MAY 1,2016
1:32 pm Sunday may 1, 2016.
Thank you!!! I made it!!!❤️❤️🍋
i'm filled with expansive vistas from the Angeles crest Highway and very very deep inner plateaus and valleys that have been touched by my Passover village family.
I'd like to pull over into a quiet park and reflect under a tree before proceeding. I can see from text messages the world at home would like to grab me up. The kind of profound human meeting I had this morning in our closing circle deserves it's due .
Coming down the mountain I am awestruck and want to share this with you.
Thank you friends for holding my hand for days before the journey up this mountain. I made it up and down!
I am parked in the shade of a gas station overhang about to fill up.
I wish I did not have to be home by 10:45 am may 2.
There's so much to be said. There was so much I felt. There was so much others expressed toward me.
I heard things spoken that I needed to be hear to begin a journey back toward feeling alive.
I have been so disheartened. I've been walking this path for months. I Have not been able to turn around the depths of despondency that have been overwhelming me. It truly took getting out of my house and bearing my trauma to acknowledge the trauma or get underneath it to the place of feeling my broken heart.
My profuse tears today were met in our closing circle by the tears of another. She wanted to do everything in her power to uplift me.
There were 20 of us speaking each having our peace in the final circle.
One affirmed that he saw me having many more adventures on earth. He shared a reflection that he had seen the high regard others felt when he witnessed me speaking at another gathering.
More gave heartfelt reflections I needed to hear,
One man spoke about the evolution of our relationship over the years. He acknowledged the immensity of the shadow work I had done.
Another met me through her own tears, reflecting on the difficulty of my journey and how I continued to show up.
Oh my God! I haven't been showing up for myself!
I haven't been writing about my journey! I haven't been able to get through the emotions or name them.
No poetry. No overcoming.
It's been very difficult getting out of bed for months. I've had no will.
My friends have been been unable to lift me up, the trauma has been so intense. It took a whole Village to begin to lift me and four or five in our closing circle bringing me center.
I had been feeling I was taking too much from the group. I did not want to impose my healing need on the group. My need was not an imposition.
My vulnerability did not take away from their own healing experience, but seemed to stimulate deep self healing reflection.
It's all I can say for right now. I need to pump gas. I need to decide where I'm going next. There are numbers of thank you's I want to make.
Sending love. Thank you so much. There are times when we simply feel we need others to take care of us.
I said that. I was met by a group of deeply feeling compassionate souls.
I wish the same for you. Thank you for loving me.
There's more to be said
2:07 pm
May 1. 2016
Sent from my iPhone
REMEMBERING
All my friends were trying to uplift me, but I was still depressed. It took the a whole Village to alter my headspace.
4:10 am
May 2, 2016
Dreams during the night
Pep talking:
First I was doing things I haven't had the energy to do.
Nightmare!
Three I knew that were involved in something I was involved in were arrested! Highly disturbing!
Later...
ON NO
One of my favorite groups was at the worldbeat Center last night and I did not know it.
I would have shifted the way I arrived home in Town.
Why did I not know about this?
Chanting in my head
Remember the love
There was so much there for me yesterday at the pass a village .
Someone said when I had hard times to remember the love ,
It's truly overwhelming at home here he just gets more and more overwhelming .
Supposed to be in court on Wednesday and I'm not in touch with the attorneys .
4:56 am
PREPPING FOR COURT
5:49 am
May 2, 2016
I am scheduled to be in court Wednesday.
Time? Imagine 8:30 am
Attorneys: need to be in touch with them.
Write emails.
Organize notebook
I feel like throwing up a bit.
Restraining order?
Original strategy did not work.
Stresses my kidneys.
Remember the love.
MAY 3, 2016
FB
Could be a turnaround day. Had a positive dream. I was with one of my old junior college football coaches and we were sealing an agreement for me to use my supportive abilities--my cheerleading skills--to uplift the team.
Team! Team! How incredible to feel part of the team, to be surrounded by others who consider you precious and valued.
I am just returned from my annual Passover Village retreat off the Angeles Crest Highway National Forest.
I was highly valued and held as precious. I received deep listening.
I went from feeling outside myself and somewhat outside the group of 20 to once again letting the group into me,
I was safe enough to cry, to profusely sob and see I have been suppressing extreme trauma for months to the point where I have questioned my willingness to further endure.
I have been disconnected from my foundation, unable to move along my
Prophet motives because I made some bad choices about who I was willing to live with. I could not get them to move.
Trapped. have you ever felt trapped by circumstances of your own creation?
More here on this
#PlantYourDreamBlog
http://www.curezone.org/blogs/fm.asp?i=2316506
Take Clutter as an example.
My room is filled with notebooks from bygone projects. I have tons of supplements. I have computer drives on my desk disconnected from cords holding years of photographs and once meaningful projects I can no longer access. How devastating to not be able to summon the will to clean up.
GETTING THERE WAS A CINFIRMATION
Just getting there was a confirmation of my spirit and will to live!
THE COUNCIL PROCESS
NEXT...
PRAYER
Oh dear God, return to me the will to feel in control of my destiny to clean up!
7:45 am
FB
9:58 am
Sharing our darkness as well as our light.
Some call it the shadow. It's the unseen part of us that will always be there. Light can be reflected on the shadow as we interact with others.
This is one of the benefits that come from living with others.
I'm writing about my shadow today.
I'm reflecting on the will that it took to make a very difficult recent journey to an annual gathering that covets its privacy very much, in part to protect the sacred space as well as protect the privacy of those who attend.
The group that gathers meets in natural settings. We weather the elements that for many of us can be harsh. It's not so easy to go camping on the mountaintop where there can be high winds or rain or harsh cold as well in the desert where there can be as temperature extremes.
The group, that has been meeting for 21 years annually, aspires to come close to the earth. We practice sacred rituals in the context of Jewish indigenous teachings. Bring Jewish is not a pre-requisite to attend. The gathering is called the Passover village and we me toward the end of the holiday that commemorates the passage from slavery to freedom.
Our rituals are steeped in Jewish tradition yet are open enough to create a meaningful experience without knowing Hebrew.
The group is obviously not closed.
They have a public website.
My wish is that all my friends on Facebook can have such an intimate experience with others in whatever universal expressions they choose.
In years past when I had difficult interpersonal relations I often ended up writing, sometimes books.
As my own home community called the enchanted Garden reinvent itself now in San Diego and begins to seek a new housemate, I hope I can rise to the occasion to continue being one of the humanity's storytellers, Sharing my own experience of the difficulties that could come from finding the courage to truly meet others, both in living together or providing opportunities for those who visit to interact with a natural environment and an old house in constant need of a friend.
I have failed as much as I have succeeded in learning to be myself while living with others; yet I truly believe the unfolding world asks us to learn to live together more closely.
Perhaps it is you and I that are intended to meet more closely through the sharing of the journey.
From Rekindling of Faith, my book.
I've made a decision not to hold back anything. I've decided to tell everything I'm feeling, not just the good stuff I'm feeling. I've decided to share myself, all of myself, because that truly is everything I am. What I become doesn't belong just to me because I belong to everyone. We can't hold back our self from giving until what we have to give is all sweet and clean. It's that very act of giving that sweetens and cleans us--Leslie Goldman
MAY 4, 2016
2:08 pm
THIS IS ABOUT THE COUNCIL CIRCLE THAT WAS SO POWERFUL AS A TOOL AT THE PASSOVER VILLAGE
http://www.contemplativemind.org/practices/tree/council-circle
I hoped to resolve the issue with the EG Mobile this morning.
It was conking out repeatedly on my trip to the Passover Village. I took it in to see Mike today this morning Imagining it could be fixed while I waited. He put it on a small ramp and took apart the idle jet and found some dirt.. He worked with The carburetor that and then asked me to get back to see if that fix the problem. The EEG mobile is a bit better but it's still stalled out,
I thought maybe to bring it right back but I started to feel nauseous.
I came home and arrange to ride to have it dropped off but then felt uncomfortable not having it with me.
It's clear I have to go to court to stand before the judge and put the eviction notice in place on Friday at 1:15 Pm.
I paid a lot of time yesterday being involved interacting with people about Bernie Sanders primary in Indiana.
That was very exciting to be involved on Facebook with others who were also very involved.
I'm feeling some kind of a pain on the left side. I went to the kidney stone doctor yesterday and he said there was no kidney stone on the left side, however I've had much stress since the sonogram was taken a couple weeks ago. There is a kidney stone 9 mm on the right. It appears stable.
I'm not feeling stable again. I'm hungry but the full amount of cut vegetables that were prepared for me and my container does not feel appealing .
What do I do with myself between now and 1:15 PM on Friday?
It's so sad to be wasting life without my inspiration or will. It feels like kind of changes that are needed at the house or beyond me in this moment.
The cause of the nausea as well as the cleari indication of what's going on with the e.g. mobile are in the same question mark Category.
When I think of getting up and doing some laundry going to deposit some money in the bank the words that come to mind are what's the use ?
It feels like there is a never ending series of things that are stressing me here at home .
I don't know who to talk to you about this. It was so nice having such deep supported the Passover Village. I'm not sure how to replicate that supported home.
When use of my time could be to go through some papers. I could call one of my alllies from the Passover Village. I could get up and do some of the laundry I had in mind to do and push forward. What's the source of this left side got straws? Is it coming from the kidneys?
Very sad to feel that I am not among the living.
2:41 PM May 4, 2016
FREEDOM IS NOT THE ABSENCE OF SLAVERY;
IT IS THE MEMORY
"Look carefully and you will see we are all orchards hiding in seeds. You will see inside each of us is the Pharaoh. And inside every Pharaoh is a slave. And inside every slave is a Moses."
"We must lead ourselves out of the enslavements we have constructed and called Pharaoh."
"We must be the Moses in our Egypt. We must be the mountain in our desert. And..."
"we are the border we must cross over to enter the Promised Land."
Noah Ben Shea
in Jacob the Baker